FEAR.

it's 2.30 am.

time for me to get started with this damn blog again i suppose. :) was pretty bummed out when my last blogging site went bankrupt on me! wanted to charge me USD35 for stuff i wrote! damn.

anyway, i found that when i finally got my computer up and running again (i was having major probs) - i didn't have anything to write. so, being a person who hates blogging for 'nothing'. i decided to wait for inspiration to arrive! haha.

however, i figure i've left this place idle long enough. it is time for me to write something. as such, i've decided to pick up where i left off. prior to my previous blog site crashing - i posted a long ass post about what i FEAR. i shall now try to recreate the magic of that post...here. (don't hold your breath.)

everyone has a fear. this is true. a man/person who is not afraid of anything - really - then doesn't have anything. and it'd be nice to live a life unafraid of anything...but the pay-off doesn't seem worth it to me. to live a life and not have anything at all to show for it at the end...well - that'd be kinda sad. and don't misunderstand - i'm not talking about material things. i'm talking about stuff people want to be remembered for. and i don't know about you - i don't want to be remembered as the guy who had a cool car at one point in my life...do you?

to continue, what is it that i am afraid of then? my fear is not anything in particular - like heights, insects, etc. and i'm not that afraid of death. not really. but what i'm afraid of MOST is being a FRAUD.

i've strived most of my life to be a certain kind of person. that person is a person of high moral stature. and this standard is to be my own standard and not anyone else's. that means, for it to be of any worth at all - it'd have to be pretty high. :) i want to be a person with principles. i'd be a man who's stubborn enough to stand by those principles when necessary but open-minded enough to step aside and accept that change is the only constant. i want to be that guy who fights for the under-dog not for self glorification but because it is the right thing to do. i want to have within me the inherent qualities one normally attaches to Knights like honour, code, loyalty, courage, etc.

basically, i strive to be a good person. i'm not just saying this. i really do try to be, in every sense of the word, a 'good' person. i hate the phrase, "i'm only human". that's an excuse alright but not a strong one - in fact, in my books - it's not even worth saying. we were created imperfect, so when we f*ck up. we can say, "oh well, i'm only human." well...i don't like that shit and think that phrase should be outlawed. if you f*ck up - own up to it - face the heat - and don't do it again. but if you do f*ck up in the same fashion again - well - just don't say, "I'm only human" or any other variation of it for that matter. it annoys me. :)

so yeah. given all of the above. if at any point of my life, i wake up in the morning and look in the mirror and realise that in my attempt to achieve this 'fabled and elusive' standard of goodness - i've actually - in reality - not subscribed to it at all. then i'd feel - essentially - f*cked. in every sense of the word. because then - that would make me a FRAUD.

and that's what scares me. you can try really hard, everyday not to become something and then find that one day - you become exactly what you've been fighting against all your life. it happens all the freakin' time. you know, things like 'history repeating itself'? it happens all the friggin' time.

life is 'realistically depressing' in that sense sometimes.

sometime last year and a little bit of this year, i felt like i was a FRAUD. and it really affected me for a while. then, i realised, i may have strayed a bit. i may be lacking in some departments. but essentially, i'm still on that road. i'm still on that track that i want to be on. i'm heading in the right general direction. besides, if it were that easy to attain - then what's the point of me trying to achieve it.

i think the level of 'goodness' i'm trying to achieve is there for the taking for anyone and everyone. people just lack the dicipline and will power to gun for it. i figured - since i don't have brad pitt's good looks or einstein's brain - i'll gun for this mantle of 'goodness' - it's the only thing worth doing in this world to leave behind (left for me to do that is).

so, that's my fear. that's what i'm afraid of. my fear drives me, thrills me and can also kill me. right now, it's just driving me. so it can't all be bad thing then eh?

signing off - the common jack amongst the kings and queens...