Guilt.

Here are some exerps lifted from Wikipedia:

Guilt is primarily an emotion experienced by people who believe they have done something wrong. From a legal perspective it can also refer to the condition of having done something legally wrong, regardless of how one feels about it.

Some thinkers have theorized that guilt is used as a tool of social control. Since guilty people feel they are undeserving, they are less likely to assert their rights and prerogatives. Thus, those in power seek to cultivate a sense of guilt among the populace, in order to make them more tractable.

Guilt can sometimes be remedied by punishment (a common action and advised or required in many legal and moral codes), by forgiveness (as in transformative justice), or by sincere remorse (as with confession in Catholicism or restorative justice).

Psychopaths typically exhibit a "lack of remorse or guilt" in the face of wrongdoing. This is seen by psychologists as part of a lack of moral reasoning in comparison with the majority of humans, an inability to evaluate situations in a moral framework and an inability to develop emotional bonds with other people.

thats enough from Wikipedia.

i believe guilt can be mirror'd with pain.

if you didn't feel pain (as in physical pain), you wouldn't know when to take your hand out of the fire. and you'll probably just burn to death.

guilt keeps you human. it keeps you grounded. it could even be seen as a tool for survival (you can't just keep fucking people over - eventually, all the shit catches up with you).

it reminds you to think twice before doing something. the evident difference from the reference i make to pain - is that chances are, you'll get burned first - before guilt comes in. as opposed to 'pain' which hits more directly and is more immediate in nature.

bearing that in mind, most of the time, i know guilt will be an inevitable consequence of some of my actions at times. does that necessarily mean i did the wrong thing? haven't you ever been in a situation where doing the right thing will most definitely lead to guilt?

this beckons to mind a phrase i lifted off someplace - "sometimes you win only to lose and sometimes you lose - so that you can win."

it is without a doubt that i carry within me a certain amount of weight that is made up entirely of guilt. to say that i am proud of that baggage would be wrong. however, to say that i regret having made those decisions would be equally, if not even more, wrong.

i've suffered losses (some really big losses - some of which i probably can never be forgiven), so that i can win.

this phrase is lifted from 'THE LIBERTINE' - a freaking awesome movie i have only just watched moments before typing this out, "Any experiment of interest in life will be carried out at your own expense."

i shall now vary that phrase to fit my own little blabber of a post here, "Any lesson worth learning in life can sometimes only be learnt at your own expense."

guilt is a lesson for the soul.

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before i sign off, here is some food for thought: Why and how do good people end up in hell?

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good people end up in hell because they failed to forgive themselves in life.

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Updates on Frankenstein In Love.

rehearsals have been great fun for me. i love being in a play again. and playing a character like Cockatoo is freaking awesome. i get to be play a guy who is completely off the hinges. wild and violent yet having amazing traits like loyalty and wanting to bring down a corrupt government.

i feel like i haven't given myself completely to Cockatoo yet. i have to forget that i'm good natured Michael and just 'lose it' to become Cockatoo.

i'll try that tonight. *grin.

anyway, some of you may know that i am trying to look the part too. other than letting my hair grow again. i'm also growing a goatee of sorts.
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its the first time i've let it grow for so long. feels weird. oh well...

come watch the play then you'll see a REALLY different me on stage - physically and mentally!

16 girls - one night.

Besides my play - there's something else which would most certainly be a good watch too! So what you waiting on? Go get yourselves tickets to watch this ...

Visit "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" for more info.

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Join LiT Performers, KL's all woman A Capella in this fun filled pop musical which celebrates the importance of sisterhood and girlfriends featuring unique arrangements of These Boots are Made for Walking, Don't Cha', hits from the 60's, Elvis, Queen and other surprises. With their special blend of choreography and powerful vocals, let the girls redefine and challenge the way you experience A Capella music.

VENUE: The Actors Studio, Bangsar Shopping Centre

DATE: 11th - 15th Oct 2006

TIME: 8.30 pm

TICKET PRICES: RM 38, RM 48, RM 68

You can call the Box Office: 03-2094 0400 / 1400 or Email: tickets@theactorsstudio.com.my

Life as a Graduate.

hey all - sorry i haven't had much time to blog lately. at least, i haven't been able to blog about anything really interesting lah. most of my creative energy is now being channelled into FiL.

in case you've not visited the FiL blog, here are some exerps i put up there about my character - "Cockatoo":

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Moving along ... the process of finding Cockatoo (or the process of Cockatoo finding me...) has been a freakin' riot. He's a real cool character lah. The first time I read 'him' during the audition with Gavin, I thought to myself ... "Kewl..."

Cockatoo is beyond insane. He's so insane that he knows exactly how insane he is. He knows when he's doing something that seems morally wrong but enjoys himself immensely doing it because he doesn't care. At least, thats how it seems.

On the other hand, his loyalty to El Coco is unparalled. He believes in the REVOLUTION, he believes that El Coco has a vision and he truly believes in that vision as well. And Cockatoo understands that a revolution is not a pretty thing. People get hurt. Sometimes the innocent. Casualties are imminent. Cockatoo is willing to do all this. He understands that the end may not even justify the means. But it has to be done. And Cockatoo can do it.

I don't know about you, but if I were a leader of whatever, I'd want someone like Cockatoo by my side.

I'm even trying to grow a goatee or something - to look more like the character. I'm a Chinese dude trying to grow a goatee - a big 'no-no' in my books. I scare myself every morning. I'm also letting my hair grow instead of leaving it short as I usually do.

Everyday I read the script, everyday I think about him, the closer Cockatoo is to me. I find myself actually 'being' him when I'm out driving or walking around or lying in bed. Eyes wide and wild, mouth breaking into a huge maniacal grin for no reason every now and then ...

And here's the scary bit - "I like it... muahhahahahahahahhahahaha"

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and here's a post i put up there in character ie as 'Cockatoo'...

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I found myself remembering things from when I was just Juan Thomas Navarro again the other day.

We had just cleared a whole village made up of people who were not with the People Revolutionary Militia. And if they are not with us - then they are against us. And all those who are against us must fall. Nothing can be allowed to stand in the way of our goal - Cesar's, El Coco's vision.

So there I was, at what was left of the village, skinning a corpse - because I had nothing else to do - and I remembered always being good with a knife, even before I became 'Cockatoo'.

I remembered how I would geld a foal. First, I would speak to it as a Priest would speak to a dying man assuring him that death is nothing to be feared. Thats how I would speak to it - fool it into believing that whats going to happen next will be painless ... and then I plunge my knife in ... it would all happen quick. Very quick. Just a blink of an eye, and I would have been finished while they bring in another foal waiting to be lulled into a false sense of security before I send a piece of cold steel into its nether regions.

I remembered thinking - even then - that it would always be over too quickly. I was always good with a knife.
I remembered all these things and I couldn't help myself but smile ... as I took my own sweet time - skinning the corpse I had in front of me ... just because I had nothing else to do ...

*end*

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and here's a little something else which you might find interesting ...

For those of you not 'in the know', Mary George (who plays 'Maria' who probably has the most stage time) is my lecturer. Well, perhaps it would be more apt to say she used to be my lecturer since I have just recently graduated (*phew*). The reason I bring this up is because my character, "Cockatoo" gets quite/very/relatively intimate with her. Cockatoo even calls her a 'whore' and is very blunt when commenting on how good or bad a 'lay' Maria is.

Needless to say, its been awkward namely because - and let me state this for the record - she is one of my favourite lecturers! It's true!

Anyway, because we've only done 'readings' and 'blocking' so far, things haven't really heated up yet. But 'blocking' will be coming to an end soon - so things are gonna get mighty interesting lah (stay tuned for the ongoing saga of the ex-student/ex-lecturer sex scandal ... )

(*in case you don't know what 'blocking' is: it's just a process of 'walking' the play so that we start familiarizing ourselves with what the set is going to be like and we can know where to stand where we say a certain line and such...)

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anyway, besides that, i'm also still teaching at TNT on days i don't have rehearsals for FiL.

i've also just signed on to be a PRODUCTION ASSISTANT with FiL. i'll be Jia Wei's (FiL's Production Designer) assistant. as far as i know, i'll be helping with sourcing for props, co-ordinating stage help maybe ... and anything else she may need me to do.

and, in case you're wondering, (which you probably are not - lol) - i am not abandoning my quest to become a Producer.

recently, i've spoken with Gavin Yap, Rashid Salleh and Douglas Lim a lot - and they've given me a lot to go on about what the industry is like. with the info i've attained from them, i have in my mind a better direction to go. right now, the idea is to jump into the industry of Production. i'll probably join a Production Company and become an intern or something to that effect to learn the ropes from scratch.

bottom line, i'm not going to be making money anytime soon - i'll still be leading a frugal student's life. but hey - as friends and people keep telling me - "At least I'm doing what I want to do."

the tricky bit to that is, i'm not really sure if that's it for me either. but i've made the decision to go into it who heartedly with a goal and vision for myself. if things don't work out - at least then i know that i should try something else and won't be bothered with all the "WHAT IFs"...

so ok lah - that's it for now.

signing off, the commonjack.

p/s: to all of you who are actually visiting my blog ... leave me a line or something - let me know that someone is keeping in touch with me ... this blog has become a way to keep people i don't see everyday in touch with whats going on with my life ... it's not really a self indulgent writing place for me now. so it'd be nice to know people come around here ... holler out YA!