Thursday, March 30, 2006

i'm ashamed.

i'm ashamed to admit it. but the one thing that really scares me now. is my impending final exam. what a foolish thing to be afraid of ... something that i actually have the opportunity to prepare for and face down.

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don't get me wrong. if you're thinking, "hey, everybody is afraid of exams." i'm talking about fear at another level. i've always been afraid of exams. academics - has never been my strong suit. however, that being said - normally i study sufficiently for an exam - the last time i think i was at least properly prepared to give an exam a good go was when i was doing STPM.

every other exam after that - i have to say - i didn't do myself justice.

since getting in law - my results have been significantly short of satisfactory. in fact, if you had to judge me on paper. i'm a dumbass. truly. my grades speak volumes - and nothing positive. you'd be thinking along the lines of..."This guy didn't do well at his course at all. He might as well just not have graduated." or if you were really nice, "This guy didn't study for his exams at all." - and the latter isn't saying much either is it?

i'm so afraid about how i'll do for this exam - that sometimes i feel incapacitated. for days at a time even. they all say that it really doesn't matter how you do. then again - they usually only say that to people who don't do well at all.

i'm ashamed to be afraid of a stupid thing like an exam. that's why i don't let it show. i make like i don't care.

but the truth is - it scares me.
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signing off. the commonjack.

Sunday, March 26, 2006

THE CROW - the Graphic Novel.

finally, i've got my very own copy of The Crow. (Thanks babe!)

just in case you have absolutely no idea what The Crow is about (which is unliikely cause if you know me - you're bound to have heard about it before - but then again why would you care to remember right?) here's a little sypnosis ...

This is the story of a young man named Eric who along with his fiance, Shelly is murdered on an abandoned road, by a gang of junkies, led by T-Bird. Due to the pain suffered by their souls, Eric is sent back to put the wrong things right. It is very dark and violent, it is recommended for mature readers. The movie was based on this comic book. This story was born out of James O'Barr's personal tragedy.


James O'Barr's own words on Eric, the main character of the story, "I don't believe Eric is a hero. He can be absolutely cold-blooded and ruthless at times. When he goes into a room to get one person, everyone else in the room is probably going to die as well. I think what he's doing is terribly romantic, but I wouln't call him a hero."

The Crow dramatises O'Barr's belief that "an absolute, pure love does exist" and that "there are no boundries between good and evil where love is concerned."

The following extracts are from the Boston Phoenix:

O'Barr on the graphic novel;
"Writing The Crow didn't help at all. I thought it would be cathartic, but as I drew each page, it made me more self-destructive, if anything. There is pure anger on each page, little murders. I was more messed up by the time I was done with the book. There was a rumour going around when there was a delay between the third and fourth issues that I had committed suicide. I was annoyed by that, because God's had his elbow on my nech for this long, I feel I can stick it out. I'm not ready to put a period on that sentence yet."

On the death of Brandon Lee, and referring to Brandon's fiancé, Eliza (Lisa Hutton);
"I relived the same pain and anger as before. I wished I had never written the thing, though if I hadn't, I probably wouldn't be here, having been consumed by my very self-destructive behaviour. I was fueled by rage and fury for years and years. My soul felt like a hurrcane. I was raised in orphanages and foster homes, and I felt, like, "When is God gonna give me a break?" When Brandon died, I felt like, "Is God trying to test my limits or what?" Why let me become best friends with the guy and take him senselessly from me? God is a bastard, if there is one."

"Brandon and Eliza helped me make something positive finally come out of this. The helped me a great deal. And I had a lot of guilt associated with the money I made from this movie. It felt like blood money to me, so I've kept nothing for myself. I used the money to help a lot of people; international children's organisations, and hip replacement surgery for a 10 year old Brazilian girl who thinks I'm some big rock star or something over here - some money to my family."

the book is now a permanent fixture on my bedside table. when i can't stand to look at another law related book. i pick it up. i love the art work. i love the words. good example of both Image hosting by Photobucket and Image hosting by Photobucket

like this one for instance - Eric (The Crow) goes into a room to kill "Funboy", one of the guys who killed and raped his fiancee, and it was full of Funboy's men ... and he says...

"Seven Blackbirds in a tree, count them and see what they be. ONE for SORROW, TWO for JOY, THREE for a girl and FOUR for a boy. FIVE for SILVER, SIX for GOLD and SEVEN for a secret that's never been told. - (pause) - You're all going to die."

cool.

i love the way the story is laid out in the book. i love the whole concept. and i think i'm gonna fall head-first into a new hobby to collect graphic novels!

in fact, i know what's next! THE CROW - Shattered Lives & Broken Dreams. (my b'day is in July - HINT HINT!) go look at it! remember it! lol.

i digress...anyway...poring through the pages in this book has reinforced my yearning to pick up art classes! i want to learn how to draw. it'll be another way for me to express myself! and who knows? i might be good at it?

and i was immediately inspired to write my own little 'angry poem' after finishing it the 1st time. :)

it's called, "My Gain."

Round and round we go.
Where we stop?
Nobody knows,

Listen to me and listen close,
Pay attention -
It is a rhyme of which you are to be told,

It's time for you to feel the cold,
The chill in the wind and the shiver in the rain,
I present to you the pain, Your death - My Gain.

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signing off, the commonjack.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

My CAR For SALE!

hey people. i'm trying to sell off my car. if you know of anyone looking for a car. pretty decent condition if i may say so myself. or if you know of anyone who can help me sell it. let me know.

thanks.

Citroen ZX (Year of make 1997), 2.0 Litre metallic Green.

Asking price: RM 11,200 - (price negotiable).



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Front View

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Back View

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Driver's Seat


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Side Profile

signing off, commonjack.

I was so nervous.

wow. yesterday, i went for an audition - for a musical. yes folks, i did indeed say 'musical'. and i couldn't have done worse for an audition if i tried!

first of all, i was so nervous - my lips were trembling. my stomache felt empty, light and airy (is this what they mean by 'butterflies in the stomache'?), i was quivering slightly (but just enough to make me feel like i'm not in control of my body and voice) ... it was like food poisoning without the puking!

i've neever been that nervous in my entire life. i've been more scared than that. i've been more excited that that. but i think yesterday was the 1st time i've ever felt truly nervous. either that, or i've achieved a new level of nervousness i never thought i'd ever reach!

basically, i went in - met a panel of about 7 or 8 people. amongst them, some of the most notable people in m'sian theatre (i'm not going to drop names at this point). said my "hello-s' and was told, "Ok, Michael. Just sing for us. I don't even want to know what the song is."

and i sang, "I Could Have Danced All Night". or - i think it'd be more apt to say that i 'attempted' to sing it. it was so bad. i was forgetting the lyrics. my lips were still trembling. i didn't know what to do with my hands. i didn't know where to look (eye contact or close my eyes or look at the ceiling or the floor? what where who how???!!!) and i was told to stop before i could finish it. i must have looked like one of those seriously bad people who try to go for those IDOL try-outs.

then i was asked, "Michael, what were you singing?" the answer stumbled out of my mouth, myself feeling like i was in way over my head feeling quite foolish for even thinking that i could sing that song and then i was asked, "Who told you to sing that?" clearly, he knew it wasn't my idea to sing it. once again, the answer stumbled out and i asked, "Could I maybe sing something I'm more comfortable with?"

the resounding reply was, "YES!"

feeling a lot more relieved that i didn't have to try and sing some musical piece. i sang Bon Jovi's "Bang A Drum". i was still shaking, but my lips weren't trembling this time around. i made it through the 1st verse and finished the 1st chorus before a hand wsa put up to indicate "that's good enough". personally, i felt like i could have delivered the song a lot better than i did - but i suppose i did adequately.

however, i was still a nervous wreck. then came the dreaded 'range testing'. i went next to the piano. and tried desperately to follow the "la La LA la la..." going terribly off key. off the note. off everything! (*i'm admittedly quite tone deaf and am only comfortable hitting notes on my guitar. put me next to a piano - and everything goes to shit for some reason!) the best i could do was that i actually hit ONE note but on a different KEY! sigh... *hangs head in shame.

then came the dancing bit. the choreographer came out and said, "Do you dance?"

"Er, besides what I used to do in school with friends ie looking at MTV clips and following what they did ... and the occassional clubbing ... nope."

nodding her head, she told me to try and follow her. the 1st particular move was simple enough. there was a huge mirror for in front of us. and i just kept looking at her and did the move - even adding my own little 'flavour' to it. then i tried to make myself look more convincing by taking my eyes off her and just look straight forward and she picked up the pace and i almost immediately screwed up of course! - but i focused my eyes on her again and managed to follow.

then music came on. and i was asked to walk like i was walking in the rain - (as in performing wise - the mental picture i got from her demonstrating it was like some ballet thing...hands gracefully moving and elegant steps making use of the space available, eyes up to the imaginary sky moving to the flow of the music...) needless to say, i felt weird doing it. i need to get into a certain frame of mind to pull something like that off, and i believe i was getting into it...kinda...before i was told to stop and center myself again. then she started doing the simple move we started with ... this time with the music. and then she said, "Just do as I do ok?"

and the roller coaster ride began! there was a lot of elegant arm and hand movements ... the graceful twist of the body ... some soft leg movements ... and i had a real tough time following! i'm used to pulling some one handed somersault or the MC Hammer split (ie Hammer Time!) or some simple fancy footwork ... this was more ballet-ish stuff and i felt like a kickboxer in tights. once again feeling like i was way out of my league!

then it finally ended. as i left the floor and went back to the chair to face down the panel ..., "OK Michael. Lets get your schedule sorted out. We start rehearsals May 1st..."

"Er, I've got exams till June 9th."

"Really AH? Well then - (he writes down under comments in my form in big BIG Letters - NOT AVAILABLE) Cannot la Michael. You need to learn the songs and dancing. June 9th is too late."

feeling even more foolish, "Yes, I understand. I was just trying my luck. Didn't mean to waste your time."

"No, no. It's good that you came. At least now you have a lesson learned. Next time sing something you're comfortable with. And since you're more comfortable with your guitar ... bring it along next time...ok?"

so it ended with the shaking of hands and hugs - and i walked out of the audition space feeling like a complete *idiot.

the positive person in me still wonders (if i could have accomodated the rehearsal schedule) whether i would have been casted in this musical...for any role really. but the realist in me steps over my positive side and towers above it and says, "With an audition like that?! Hell no!"

oh well. good thing i'm a stubborn mutha too. i'll try again. the next chance i get.

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on an entirely separate note ... go this site - HOMECOMING - the play. it's about 2 days from opening night. looks like a good one. so go get your tickets quick!

Monday, March 20, 2006

Conversations that don't understand.

people can forget how to talk to each other. it's a scary thought. but it's true. i'm not saying anything particularly earth shattering here. family, friends, girlfriends, boyfriends...no relationship is spared from this. even just people in general.

it's sad especially when i'm trying to talk to these people i see everyday. or when i see them try and talk to each other. they are committing to the act of 'speaking to each other' but little things get in the way and the intended message is lost and all the ugly stuff comes up because of what is lost.

i call this phenomenon "Conversations that don't Understand".

maybe it is best to just shut up sometimes. and stick with my guitar.

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'nuff said.

signing off, the commonjack.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

exam season is nigh...

i've started with my revision course. this is my final year.

i can't afford to dwell on whether it was a *mistake choosing to do law in the 1st place. it's too late for that now. or rather, it's not the time to do that now. i can reflect on it later. although, in my mind and heart - right here and now - i can't help but feel that it was and is.

but - maybe that'll change after proper reflection and with more of my life unfolding without this veil of 'hate' covering my eyes and mind for what i'm *forcing myself to do.

they all tell me, "You don't get to do what you want to in your life. Not usually at least. So get used to it."

so that's what its all about eh? it makes me think of this James O'Barr quote, "Life is an incurable disease, birth and death being the symptoms."

anyway, if that's what its all about, the rational and mature person in me believes that 'How you deal with the things you are forced to do in life shows what you are made of'. and if that's the case, then i'm not very proud of the stuff i'm made of.

i didn't set out to be where i'm at right now. and i did want to do better. but now i'll do what i can - and give it a proper go here on in. and leave it at that. and move on.

this is my little prayer (of sorts) i say to myself most nights before i go to sleep.

"Hey God. What's up? It's me again. And again, I ask for strength, will, patience and wisdom to face down my life's challenges. Right now the biggest hurdle - my exam. (sounds so juvenile doesn't it? biggest hurdle being an exam.) Strength to rise to the occasion. Will to see myself through all the way. Patience to keep the pace. Wisdom to do my best.

Not forgetting, watch over those I love. All of them. No need to worry too much about me. No matter what happens to me - I'm good.

Give a break to those who need it. Not just the deserving - but those who *need it. Everyone deserves a break.

Thanks for listening."


my previous blogs when facing my exam last year below...(some directly related - some not really...)

i'm an idiot.

the really 'real' world.

depression?

signing off, the commonjack.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

James O'Barr quote.

"Things will change. You can do very little with faith. But you can do nothing without it."

this just hit me. i'm not the most religious person around. but i wouldn't call myself a faithless person either.

on another note ...

anyway, people who've known me for a while - you know i've been entertaining the thought of getting a tattoo for the longest time. i've thought of various places to put it...shoulder blade, chest, on the arm...etc. currently, i seem to be leaning towards getting a small little one on my left wrist - just on the underside and making it about the size of a regular watch strap - with the size i'm imagining, you probably wouldn't be able to see it if i wear a watch (that's the size i'm considering at the moment).

i've considered many types of designs - from some tribal designs, to chinese characters, to images i've liked - i've also considered something of "The Crow" - if you've noticed the pictures on this site - i'm somewhat of a *fan.

below are some of the designs i'm thinking about - pitch a comment on what you think would look cool?

the mask at Image hosting by Photobucket

the 'spread out crow' at Image hosting by Photobucket or

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"A crow" at Image hosting by Photobucket

"A tribal Crow" at Image hosting by Photobucket

"Crow Eye" at Image hosting by Photobucket or

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i'm still very much toying with the idea. as such, i might not even end up ever getting one. but really, who knows? so, getting some 2 cents would be very much welcomed.

see ya'all.