depression?

it's 8.15 pm. i could write about how my exams are going so far. which is not good. so i've decided not to. instead - here's a little entry i wrote about 'depression' quite a while back.

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someone was once asked to describe how something like 'depression' hits and that person said, "Gradually ... and then suddenly."

What is Depression?:

Depression is a serious medical illness; it’s not something that you have made up in your head. It’s more than just feeling "down in the dumps" or "blue" for a few days. It’s feeling "down" and "low" and "hopeless" for weeks at a time.

http://www.nimh.nih.gov/publicat/depression.cfm#ptdep1

Signs & Symptoms:

Persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" mood. Feelings of hopelessness, pessimism. Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, helplessness. Loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities that were once enjoyed.

http://www.nimh.nih.gov/publicat/depression.cfm#ptdep3

Treatment:

A variety of treatments including medications and short-term psychotherapies have proven effective for depression.

http://www.nimh.nih.gov/publicat/depression.cfm#ptdep5
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when one is depressed - nobody understands. nobody cares. and you feel alone (whether you actually are or not, doesn't really matter because: nobody understands anyway.)

Some people say that depression feels like a black curtain of despair coming down over their lives.

you don't function well. people ask what's wrong and you don't know what to say. heck - they probably don't know what to say either. the most common reply that would be conjured up would be, "Hey, everyone has bad days" or at least some variation of the same shit.

i should know. i'm guilty of saying shit like that all the friggin' time.

some people act out very badly when they're depressed. hurtin' people they care about - hurtin' people who care about them. and they can't help it. they do it - then they realise what they've done and feel even worse about themselves for doing it.

and then they look for someone to understand but then nobody does or even worse - sometimes - they don't even give someone the opportunity to try and understand because they've already reached the conclusion that nobody can understand.

some people then begin to hurt themselves. and i would think that this covers a myriad of things. the instinctive things that first come to mind are people cutting themselves, substance abuse via drugs or alcohol and possibly suicide.

but i think there are many ways people can hurt themselves - and this is obvious although, i think, not necessarily the 1st thing that comes to mind when you hear the statement 'some people then begin to hurt themselves'.

acting out badly and hurting people you care about is one sure fire way to hurt yourself.

not acting out at all - and keeping it all in - that just f**ks you up. then it is like burning a slow fire. like the slow burning of charcoal, the heat is always there. and it keeps going. except in this case, it doesn't eventually die off like normal charcoal - here, it grows stronger and stronger with each passing day. and then it becomes a case of whether you overcome it or not.

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when you're depressed, you don't know what's wrong or why or how even. you could think up a 1000 and 1 reasons as to why you are but none of it seems right. there's no simple truth/answer that makes you go "My God - I think I've got it!"

there's no big epiphany/realisation nor would there be any kind of lightbulb type of a phenomena, lighting up above your head. giving you the "Once I was blind - now I can see" scenario.

you think it could be a culmination of everything and that you've just hit the limit and it's all coming down on you finally. it was bound to happen someday - or so you think.

but then again - that's not quite right either.

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i don't have the answers. and if you're wondering whether i'm the one who is depressed? well - maybe i am. :) but i think i'm just having one of those 'bad days' or some variation of it. *grin.

i have friends i can just act out on and then see again the very next minute sitting at the 'mamak' having a 3 am 'teh tarik'. which is a cool thing - i don't do it much ( i hope ) - but knowing that i can exercise such an option should the need arise - is a huge comfort.

and i think one of the major tell-tale signs that i 'should' be OK is the fact that i don't think i'm hurting myself in any way. well - i am (kinda). but nothin' out of the ordinary. (maybe i'm in denial! - LOL)

i shudder at the thought of putting up this sorta entry. people tend to over-react and shit.

chill. don't panic. this is just me 'living dangerously' - as the top of my blog suggests - 'thinking is a dangerous past time' - so i'm living dangerously.

and besides - if you've been paying attention - i've got all sorts of depressing entries...this is generally a 'moody / depressing' blog ... check out my Nov 2004 archives: 'giving up', 'You', 'when the good go down'. . that wasn't so bad - Jan '05 was worse: 'what can i say? shit happens - deal with it', 'beer tastes like crap' *a classic this one, 'feeling depressed?' and 'YOU win'. followed by Feb '05: 'and he goes down', 'let's all say it together...' and 'how to get where i'm at'. after that - i stated winding down lah - back down to my usual 'unhappy' self. *grin

signing off. the commonjack.