how you get to where i'm at.

it's 2.40 am.

i shall now proceed to tell ya 10 steps of how you get to where i'm at. (brace yourselves, this'll be a long one.)

1. you start off with good intentions. no real BIG ambitions per se. you just want to do good for yourself as well as others. having no real idea how to go about doing this, you decide to use 'doing the right thing' as a guide - striving for some form of idealistic way of life. the utopian ideals being the highest of the standard being strived for.

2. as you go along - fall in love. fall in love truly and inexplicably. i shall call this 'pure blind love' aka PBL. you know how some people can explain why it is they've fallen in love with someone? well, when you're dealing with PBL, there's no explanation. there's no rational explanation to why you would be willing to do absolutely everything for this person you've fallen in PBL for. there is nothing you can say to justify all the feelings you feel for this other person. it's inexplicable. it just 'is'.

this is where when if one person were to ask you why you're in love with this girl - you would say - "i don't know why. i just do." - and then (you might not realise it at the time) - this PBL has actually provided you with an energy that'll continue to flow within you for the rest of your life. it'll continue to inspire you. it'll continue to feed you. it'll be a part of you. anyone who knows you well enough will know that there's this energy in you. that's what PBL does to you - like a permanent aspect of you that has changed you forever.

3. afterwards, you realise that even PBL can be unrequited for whatever reasons. the person you feel PBL for doesn't feel the same. it's ok. life goes on. armed with the energy PBL has given you - you feel that you have an edge on life or at the very least feel that you'll be ok. whatever happens - you'll be ok.

4. so, now you focus on what to do with your life. finding something you enjoy, tryin to identify what makes you tick. you try a few things. look into a few other things. then try to make the most 'rational' and reasonable choice. hoping that if something is rational and totally reasonable - then you can't go wrong right? WRONG. (there's no such thing as something that can't go wrong. everything can go wrong. it's the nature of life. - like i always say - shit happens, deal with it.)

5. but havin made that decision, you stick to your guns and look to it as a means to an end. just do whatever you can and get it over with. but being earnest and filled with good intentions - you make an attempt to do the best you can.

6. however, you then lose the motivation. you lose concentration. you lose the will to stay in it. this is where you realise that something has gone WRONG and you get all f**ked up about it. you totally lose it. and you fail.

a period of 'lostness' follows. but eventually you claw your way back to wanting to just get it over with. and thus, you start all over again.

7. in starting all over again, you fall in love again. but it's different this time. this time, it's not PBL anymore. this time - it makes absolute complete sense. it just hits you like a tonne of bricks and you go, "shit! i cannot believe i didn't realise this earlier!...wow..."

the pieces of the puzzle all fall down in the right place. they form a perfect picture. it's beautiful.

8. then you realise that even something that makes complete sense - can go wrong. so you walk away with all these feelings. but knowing that that's as far as it'll go. that's it. you'll feel f**ked. but that's the way it is. after all - shit happens, tough - deal with it.

9. and then you proceed to watch everything else that you thought was stable and was your base fall and crumble into ruins. and realising that there is nothing you can really do about it but watch.

10. but then again, you find yourself still standing. you're still there. alone. but you're still there. you're not dead (not really). you're not really sure where you are - but you're not that lost either. it could be described as a state of limbo. but that makes it sound very cliched and maybe worse than it really is? i don't know. i'm not really sure.

you're basically left with this basic question, "so...what now?"
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there it is. 10 steps to get to where i'm at. not very hard. it happens quite quickly actually. one day you wake up and it hits you and then you blink your eyes and shake your head and go, "fuck...so - what now?"

signing off, the common jack amongst the kings and queens...