and he goes down.

it's 12.35 am.

so this is what it feels like when you go down.

i don't know what to say. i don't know how to explain it. i space out every now and then in the middle of a crowd - even if the crowd is made out of very good friends of mine. i'm not really thinking about anything. i don't know...

i watched this movie a few weeks ago - called Garden State (good movie btw, you should catch it if you have the chance) - there was a part in the movie (might be a spoiler - this part - so don't read if you're one of those types - though what i'll say next won't really spoil the movie in essence for ya) - so anyway, there was this part in the movie where the main guy reveals something fr his past, like a deep dark secret and a period of silence followed. so the main chick (played by Natalie Portman) then asked him, "You're in it right now aren't you? ..." then she goes on to explain wht she means, "...it's like after you say something that's kinda big and deep, then your mind starts to wander off - thinking about it ... and my Mum used to say that that's when you're in it. And you're in it now aren't you?"

i guess that is one way to describe my state of mind now. i'm in it. and i haven't been able to snap out of it for a while now.

i think i've changed again. i've been permanently altered. my presensce isn't the same anymore. i had a drink with a friend the other day when i was feeling particularly low - and she could tell right off that there was something that was really bothering me.

i don't laugh as hard now. i don't feel as much now. it's numbness. melancholy is perhaps a good word to describe it.

oh well. i guess essentially its that i feel alone. but hey - like my brother says - we're all gonna be alone at some point in our lives. sometimes longer than is necessary - that's why we've gotta be comfortable with ourselves. is that my problem then? i'm not comfortable with myself?

it's hard to think in this state of mind. guess i'll just stop here.

signing off, the melancholy common jack.