happy birthday to me!

advertising one's birthday is something i've always considered shameful and unnecessary.

and i've never done it - till now of course.

what the heck eh?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY (beat) to ME!

WOO HoO!

*clap *clap * clap

fuuuuhhhh... (blows out imaginary candles...)

p/s: click on *HAPPY BIRTHDAY to learn 150 ways to say "happy b'day!"

alone.

this is an extension of 'the trick is...'

the trick is 'not to forget how to be with other people'.

i think i've lost sight of that.

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in lieu of that, it seems i'm getting better at being alone. it wasn't as hard as i thought it'd be. all i had to do was not call people i didn't really want to call. and since all the people i really wanted to hang with are either busy with work most of the time or out of the country or didn't really wanna hang with me - i ended up almost not calling anyone at all.

let's view the *damage:-

it didn't improve my sleeping habits, i still stayed awake till the wee hours in the morning and only waking up at 10am, 11am or 12pm - sometimes even sleeping right through to 1 or 2 pm. which is actually something i wanted to change.

i grew accustomed to locking myself up in my room. cutting contact with people who are in the house even (*that is - when there's anyone at home to cut myself from lah ... which is not a common occurrence a majority of the time). but that being the case, i stopped myself from watching too much tv and got down to do more writing. but even then - the writing seems to be going *slower than i would like.

i really can't think of anything else. i guess the important question would be, "am i a stronger person now?" - which was the primary intention of the whole exercise ie to 'master the art of being alone so that i wouldn't need to depend on anyone else'.

it feels like a loaded question. and the only fair answer i can come up with currently is "i don't know".



my b'day is coming up - this is not a good frame of mind to celebrate in - better snap out of it.

later then.

Fear 2

someone quite important to me has recently brought to life one my own 'fear'.

i was called a 'fake' which is akin to being called a 'fraud' which is the 'fear' i speak of in one of my very 1st blog entries here ...

so - that pretty much f**ks me up for the rest of this month. and probably for a while...but oh well...can't let people know that it's actually f**ked me up. must go on - business as usual style...



'nuff said.

Always something...

you are never perfect. you could be too pretty, too ugly, too nice, too mean, too fat, too thin, too f**king f**ked up to know any better.

so how?

there's always something wrong. always... if you have the ability to step outside yourself just for a moment and take a look at the same f**king situation from a whole other perspective - then you should be down on your knees thanking God for such a talent. and even better if you complement that particular talent with the ability to then appreciate what you have and not get too f**ked up about it. this would just be an added bonus - cause lets face it, its hard enough to practice the former without having to worry about the latter later.

you do something. you f**k up. it's ok - you try again. and if its what you believe you're meant to do - by all means even if you f**k up again - please do try again. it's your right to do it.

that's the way it should work innit? but life of course isn't that simple. there are soooo many things that one has to consider. so we are all made to suffer for life's complications. perhaps life wouldn't be appreciated if it wasn't so hard...

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so i get told every now and again that i'm wasting my time...doing the things that i do. i get told that i can never be good at the things that i do. i am led to believe in nice words that go around the bush ever so slightly that i am not 'forced' to do anything that i don't want to do and that i am essentially free to do anything i want to do.

so how?

on one hand, i think that i am right in doing what i do. on the other hand, i suppose what i'm being told makes a lot of sense and that i am stupid and foolish and 'every other synonym to the words stupid and foolish' for doing the things that i do. so in the end i'm left here not knowing wtf to do...

so how?

things fall apart. things will break. things generally don't work out. and then some things can be put back together. some things could generally fall into place when you least expect it. trudat. some friends come and go and some friends stay - no matter what happens. you are born into the family that you have; there's no choice there. some families are happy and some are not and there are a variety of reasons for everything.

so how?

so...there's always something...



so how?

the acting saga continues.

for those who give a damn lah - this is just an update on what i'm doing...

the acting saga continues ... if you've been keeping in touch with me - you'd probably realise that i've been in and out of 'acting workshops' since i was out of school. but of course - many of you don't know whether i've been in actual plays or mere acting workshop plays...

just to set the record straight:-

2002: i was in an 'acting workshop for beginners' under Christopher Ling in Actors Studio - the end of the workshop culminated in the whole group performing a series of 'Politically Correct bedtime stories'. if you attended this one which was held in Actors Studio when it was still based at Dataran Merdeka - and just to jog your memory - i did the story of "the 3 co-dependent goats gruff".

2003: i did the 'acting workshop for intermediates' under Christopher Ling again in Actors Studio. we did this really 'gila' play called "heart's desire". this was done during the earlier part of the year - before july if i'm not mistaken - heck, even i can't really remember. what i do remember was that it was a chaotic play - and the 'few' of 'my friends' who came to watch it would probably remember that it didn't make much sense.

and if i haven't admitted to you guys already - it didn't make sense because 'we ie the actors' f**ked up. we forgot scenes. and as a result we had to reverse back a few scenes just to play the scenes properly again. we forgot lines. sometimes all the actors forgot which scene we were supposed to be doing and every actor seemed to be doing a different scene all at the same time! which kinda led to even more confusion. you may not have noticed it - but i was getting increasingly frustrated with each passing scene! how we managed to bring it home and end the play in a 'somewhat' legible manner will be a feat i'll never be able to emulate and hope will never have to attempt ever again!

later part of 2003: i got into my first ever proper production ie it wasn't just a 'workshop' performance. it was called "Harakiri". this was a production by Chakra Works - with whom i will always remember for giving me my first ever break. they took a chance on an entire cast of 'newbies' and for that i will always respect them as well. and they went full-scale by staging at Actors Studio, Bangsar giving us full publicity by holding press-interviews, they lined up radio interviews and some tv interviews as well. they didn't give us a half-assed attitude just 'cause we weren't famous. it was lovely.

even though, they managed to make a small profit - admittedly, the play didn't really make 'it' cause of all sorts of factors lah. it could have been because none of the cast were 'famous', we might not even have been 'that good'. the fact that the play was one that was 'absurd-ish' ie there are scenes where i fall off a building and then get blown back in by a 'strong gust of wind'. it was also bi-lingual and most of my lines were in Malay rather than English and some people thought i didn't play it too well and yet there were others who thought i was Malay! go figure...

end of 2004: i joined VTC - which has now gone defunct. it was nothing short of lots of ups and downs but it was fun. since it isn't necessarily *over yet...i shan't comment further. :)

July 3rd 2005: this is my latest endeavour in my 'acting saga' - i've joined Joe Hasham's acting class - in my attempt to get into the 'closed circles' of theater in Malaysia. it's being held in KLPAC which i think is an amazing place. i never thought there'd be a venue of this magnitude solely dedicated to 'theater' in almost every form from art to dancing to acting and etc so soon. the fact that there is such a place has strengthened my resolve to try harder to get into the 'acting theater' circles. i'll give it a few more years and as i like to say sometimes, "see how lah".

thus far, it's going well - i've only had 2 classes and Joe has said some really promising things about me (which was one of my goals ie to get someone like Joe - who for those of you who are not in the *know - happens to be akin to a mainstream bigtime director in hollywood for the Malaysian theater scene - meaning to say: if i get into his good books and move up the list - i may get more calls for more plays in the future! rather than struggling to get someone to notice me by going for endless auditions!).

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thus - my acting saga continues...

my singing debut.

for those of you who wanna know... here's how my singing debut went. just my guitar and me...



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Doppelganger Open Mic.Open Stage will be presenting 18 artistes in one evening on Sunday, 3 July 2005 at the room upstairs at La Bodega's KL outlet on Tengkat Tong Shin in Bukit Bintang.

The new Doppelganger Open Mic.Open Stage nights are all about showcasing an eclectic range of performers which could include cabaret acts, poets, dancers, performance artists, singers, musicians and other uncategorisable emerging talents looking for an outlet.

Held the first Sunday of every month, the line-up for July's Doppelganger Open Mic.Open Stage main act features vocalist, AD on minus one. Accompanying acts include singer/songwriters Izzy, Jasemaine and *The CommonJack. The July gig will also present readings of original material by author Beth Yahp and 13 other writers. Especially for Doppelganger and Troubadours nights, happy hour prices apply for customers all night long, with a special RM20++ tapas menu for two. The organisers would like to thank La Bodega for their support and encouragement.

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*Insert my Name there.

anyway, so i finally did it. i sang at an open mic session. i was insanely nervous. some people could tell and some couldn't. among some of the comments i received that night were:

"...good strumming dude..."

"...your strumming too aggressive and loud..."

"...next time, you should use a pick..."

"...great singing, you didn't sound nervous at all..."

"...your voice seems quite suitable for some contry/western songs..."

"...etc..."

i did 2 songs - Matchbox 20's 3am and one of my own compositions entitled If I could, I would. i got there relatively early - 6.30 ish pm. the session itself was held on the upper floor of the 2 floors La Bodega establishment. so i went upstairs, as instructed by the organiser, Jasmine Low aka Jas. it was empty - and i tuned my guitar and just sat down by myself sms-ing people and receiving calls - directing people how to get to the said venue.

as the room started filling out - i mingled and chatted with whoever showed up. and when my own friends showed up (THANKS People!) - i mingled with 'em.

singing is just a whole different deal compared to public speaking or acting man...the latter i can handle and have handled many times before. granted i always get slightly jittery with some butterflies in my stomach every time but it's a 'jittery' that i can deal with.

however, the butterflies i had before i had to sing were a whole other species of butterfly. i guess it's just that i've never sung in public before. before Jas introduced me, she actually asked me to tell her a little bit about myself - and when i said there's nothing much to say besides this being my first time ever - singing in a public place to a real 'public' ie a crowd with real strangers...Jas had a shocked expression on her face! i think she thought this was something i generally did. poor woman.

i guess singing is quite personal - its my voice, my words, my song. maybe that's why i was more nervous. with acting - i act as someone else - its an excuse to do anything i want, "...cause i was acting mar...". with public speaking or whatever, "...i have to do this. i'm giving a speech. i have something to say...".

although, she did say she wanted me to come back again if i wanted to. LOL.

i just might. we'll see lah.

there should be another one next month on the 1st Sunday.

till then - ... .

p/s: i got to talking to the writers too - next year i might even join a *writing class. aih, me and my multi-faceted life.