Missy Higgins. what can i say?

it's 2.50 am. there isn't a single song on her "Sound of White" album that i do not like. all of them speak to me - from the lyrics to her piano and guitar and of course that sweet, raw voice. lurvely! just a little sample. it'd be nice to have someone say these words to me when i was going through that little rough patch i was going through not too long ago... oh well.





"Nightminds"

Just lay it all down. Put your face into my neck and let it fall out. I know I know I know. I knew before you got home. This world you're in now, It doesn't have to be alone, I'll get there somehow, 'cos I know I know I know When, even springtime feels cold.



But I will learn to breathe this ugliness you see, So we can both be there and we can both share the dark. And in our honesty, together we will rise, Out of our nightminds, and into the light At the end of the fight...



You were blessed by a different kind of inner view: it's all magnified. The highs would make you fly, and the lows make you want to die. And I was once there, hanging from that very ledge where you are standing. So I know I know I know, It's easier to let go.



But I will learn to breathe this ugliness you see, So we can both be there and we can both share the dark. And in our honesty, together we will rise out of our nightminds And into the light at the end of the fight.



...and in our honesty, together we will rise out of our nightminds And into the light... at the end of the fight...

signing off ... the commonjack.

the 4th sign of the zodiac

it's 1.53 pm.

CANCER. 22nd June to 22nd July.

origin: probably came from ancient Babylon.

glyph: the Cancer glyph apparently represents breasts (besides the oh-so-famous Crab) - the other image is that of two female breasts, which Cancer rules, showing that this is a sign that nurtures and protects others as well as itself. In ancient Egypt, Cancer was also represented by the scarab beetle, a symbol of regeneration and eternal life.

ruling planet: the Moon.

groupings: feminine, cardinal & water. (have no idea what this means.)

typical traits: the protective nature of the Cancerian is the overriding aspect of the character, but is tempered by a stubborn and often moody streak. although they tend to be of the worrying type, Cancerians have a remarkably good intuition, and their instinctive reactions and decisions can usually be relied upon. there is, however a changeability about Cancerians that manifests itself in several ways. they can rapidly adapy to pick up info, habits, etc, from others. it also means that they can be touchy and, like the crab, may be hiding a soft, easily hurt person beneath a seemingly hard shell.

family: the caring nature of Cancerians makes them excellent at building a home and good at forming longlasting partnerships. in general, Cancerians like to look back in preference to forwards and commonly stay in the same house for a long period of time(god - i don't really fancy this idea). a slightly negative aspect is that their protective nature can become excessive and turn into clinging, and they be touchy and occasionally snap for no apparent reason.

the sensitive almost retiring aspect of the character can be seen quite early in life, and this may continue to the point that they become very shy at school; they may hide behind a shell. it is commonly the case that Cancerians will eye new social contacts somewhat warily, keeping them at arm's length. however, when they get to know each other better, firm friendships can develop.

Cancerians usually like their extended family within a reasonable short disctance and are keen to help anyone who may need their support.

business: Cancerians can turn their hand to most things and their carefuly, intuitive apporach can make them successful. they tend to work well with people and often adopt the role of mediator, where diplomacy is required. the ecaring professions (for eg medicine) are obviously well matched to the Cancer character, but teaching may also be suitable. although business may prosper under a Cancerian, there is often a tendency, even a fear to change, which may show itself as inflexibility.

wider aspects: Cancerians are extremely sensitive, and while outwardly they appear charming and friendly, they can often be temperamental and subject to wide mood swings. in general, they love change and while travel appeals, home has the greatest attraction.

associations: colour - silver and pastel shades. flowers - white flowers, especially the rose, lily. gemstone - pearl. food - dairy foods and fish.
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Commentary:

i for one would like to 1st state that i am not much of 'zodiac' kind of a person. to me, you are who you are. generalisation of this sort is something that i don't really put too much stock into but i must admit that sometimes - it's interesting to read up a little on things like this.

so this is just for fun.

note: words highlighted in blue are descriptions that that i think are kinda on the ball. the red highlight however, are stuff that i don't really agree or mostly i think are kinda on the ball as well but are descriptions of which i dislike about myself. very general stuff lah on the whole.

in terms of the associations - food not really true (i ain't no fish person). with regards to the flowers (although i do not think of myself as much of a flower person to begin with) - white flowers do indeed sound more appealing me to me than any other flowers especially those specifically mentioned ie white roses or lilies - i can imagine myself liking. :)

anyway - feel free to leave a comment - related or not. i miss reading stuff from other people around here.

i better get back to 'not wasting my time' - later.

signing off - the commonjack.

Self Preservation.

it's 1.15 am.

Self-preservation (Self`-pres`er*va"tion) (?), n.
The preservation of one's self from destruction or injury.

'tis an interesting concept. something i've not been practicing all that much. let's give it a moment here.

in order to preserve one's self - one should go easy. then one would limit one's own 'wear and tear' and therefore last longer.

which reminds me, there's this character in CATCH-22 who says that he knows the secret of how to live longer. as we all know, time seems to go by slower when you're bored as hell right? so, this guy tries his level best to indulge himself in exceptionally boring activities to maximize every minute, every second of the day... (just thought i'd share that with ya.)

in accordance to going easy - one should also avoid shit that can cause harm to one's self. hurt in any kind of way would just wear one down. if you think about it, the only way to do this properly is to steer clear of things/matters that bear a good risk of any such negative occurrence. be safe.

and so on and so forth.

however, i believe that i've been a little careless in that respect. i wouldn't go so far as to call myself a kamikaze sort of person. that'd be someone who'd be described as 'So reckless in behavior or actions as to be suicidal' ... although, admittedly, on certain matters - i suppose i tread a rather fine line.

why i do some of the things i do ... say some of the things i say ... reveal some of the secrets i reveal ... treat some of the people the way i treat them ... feel the way i feel ... sometimes baffles me.

for a moment today, i was seriously considering the idea of Self-Preservation. i actually considered cutting myself off from things/matters/people who bear the risk of causing me any kind of harm in any way shape or form. because, sometimes just thinking about all the ties i have formed over the years with things/matters/people who bear such risk may soon lead me to my own path of self destruction.

all the shit things that have been happenning to me over the past few months, could perhaps be attributed to all these ties. so, wouldn't it be a grand idea to just cut these ties off totally and be free of them? for sometimes i wonder, for all the time i spend thinking and all the effort i put in wishing/hoping and all the heart i give to these things/matters/people - do these things/matters/people have even an ounce of awareness of any of it? or the more scary question might be ... do they even care at all?

after all - i've always been told left, right & center that i'm too nice. and if i don't die as a result of some kinda accident or some natural cause - i'd probably die from being too damn nice. *laughs*(this might explain that recurring dream i have sometimes where i attend my own funeral and when people are asked what they thought of me - all they can say is ... "What do I think about him? ... er ... well ... he's ... how do you put it? ... what's the word? ... well - he's ... nice. Yeah. He's nice.")

thus, for that one moment today, i thought - Self-Preservation doesn't sound like such a bad idea.

then i wake up. that ain't no way to live life.

i do not regret any of the things i've done - i do not wish i can take back some of the things i've said regardless of whether it is a secret or not - i will not change the way i treat some of the people the way i treat them now or neither will i change the way i feel about anyone/anything ... for these things/matters/people mean so much to me. to do anything different or wish that i've done things differently would be an affront to these things/matters/people.

if i am to hurt - let me hurt. let the pain sear through me like a knife right through the very depths of my soul. should i live - make me stronger, wiser and better.

if i am to be happy - let me be happy like heaven's on earth. let the magic of life feed the blood in my veins. should i die - allow me the gift of life for myself and for all whom i love.

if i am to love - let me love simply and truly. let love be the compass that guides me through the maze of life and be the light to the darkness that is to come for sure. should i lose myself or find myself in the darkest of dark - give me the strength of love to rise above it all.

Self-preservation ; hah. what a stupid idea.

signing off ... the commonjack.

i ain't no fighter.

it's 1 am.

i've finally gotten the nerve to start sparring with the big boys now.

see, i've been a kickboxing instructor for about 6 months now. before this, i could never build up the nerve to join the sparring sessions. i just couldn't imagine myself in a ring 'going at it' and just going in for the kill kind of a thing you know?

my whole life, physical fights was never an option - not because i was scared but because i always believed that something like that should be avoided as far as possible. at one point in time, i believed that one can never have a 'good reason' to actually fight with someone. however, now i understand that sometimes - you gotta. but i'm talking about very extreme situations here.

i've managed to go through my whole life thus far without ever having to fist-fight someone.

at any rate, i still wanna learn how to defend myself. i used to think that push come to shove - if someone were attacking me and i had nowhere to run - i'd be able to defend myself. since i started kickboxing - that confidence increased even more.

but i was rudely awakened the 1st time i went into the ring. i couldn't even bring myself to hit the other guy properly. and when he attacked me - it took me a while before i could react properly. and as a result, i was very apprehensive - throwing my punches all wrong - off the mark with my kicks. it was horrendous.

1st time:
was up against a local champion fighter - KUMAR fights in the 70kg's and above weight division. at 1st, he told me to attack him and he'll just defend. 2 minute rounds. so the 1st round and most of the 2nd round he just defended himself. by the last 30 secs of the 2nd round - the head instructor told him - "OK, fight back but control your power."

he started punching me - and they were hard. i blocked the punches but then he gave me a sidekick right into the solar plexus. i was down on the ground and i couldn't breathe for 5 secs. that was the end of the night for me.

2nd time:
was alright but i was very stiff and still had no idea what to do. apprehensive and couldn't bring myself to hit my opponent. not properly. apparently my punches were better but i couldn't bring myself to kick someone proper. as a result, i went home with bruises here and there but i hardly touched anyone! (at least i didn't feel so bad this time though.)

3rd time:
this time - i had more confidence. i hit my opponents but still found it difficult to take hits and counter attack. when i saw someone come at me - i kinda freeze for a split sec before i react. and as a result i don't protect myself fully proper. i get a few hits and block the rest and catch my breath before i attacked back when i was supposed to conserve energy as my opponent attacks me so that i can counter back the moment he stops.

i did get hit on a 'dead spot'. there are a few parts on your body that are called dead spots meaning if you were to get hit there - your muscle in that area would spasm and it'll hurt like a mutha. and you wouldn't be able to move. i had to be helped out of the ring and had to sit out for 5 mins before the pain went away again. oh well...

4th time: (my most recent)
i put up the best fights i've ever put up. i was confident. i planned ahead what 'moves' i wanted to execute and i executed them. there were like 10 people signed up for sparring that night and everyone had to have at least one round against everyone else. at 2 mins each round - that totals up to about 20 mins of fighting. it may not sound like a lot - but even 2 mins of full out and out fighting takes a lot out of ya!

6 ppl were made up of seniors and 4 ppl were made up of 1st timers at sparring. i put up good fights with the 5 other seniors and i was bitch tired at the end of it. i took a few shots on my left rib - it was feeling rather sore. when it came to the 4 newbies - i was so tired - i was fighting them like a beginner! i got a few good shots in but for some reason the newbies all hit me right at the same spot ie my left rib! i must have got kicked at least 15 times at the same spot that night.

when i got out of the ring and took out my mouth guard and removed my head gear ... and breathed in properly ... my rib was really feeling it. it really hurt. oh well...

there's a nice little bruise there right now. but it's healing up rather nicely.

conclusion is, my learning curve with this sparring thing is a little slow...but i'm getting there. admittedly, i ain't no fighter. but you know what? i'm looking forward to my next session... :D

signing off, the commonjack.

i've been tamed.

it's 4.30 pm.

as with tradition, everytime i am supposed to be studying - i get all sorts of ideas to do other
things. and i end up doing all those things till i completely run out of ideas and then there'd
be nothing left to do but study. and that's when i get my best studying then cause there's no
more restless energy keeping me distracted. so in a sense, this is a good thing. (Yeah, right...)

anyway, i've been doing a lot of reading lately (another tradition - ie when i'm supposed to be
studying i suddenly have this huge urge to pick up books i've been meaning to read for a long
time...) and one of the books i've picked up is THE LITTLE PRINCE by ANTOINE DE SAINT-EXUPERY.

this book was introduced to me by an old friend of mine with whom i've unfortunately lost contact with. her initials are C.E.L.

it's a children's book but it's oh so much more than say...PETER & JANE and the like. this book
has so many layers to it and yet it is written so simply that it begs the question, "What's the
big deal about being an adult? Kid's get the world a whole lot better than grown ups..."

anyway, it's about a LITTLE PRINCE who travels from planet to planet wanting to make new friends.

when he arrived on earth, he met a Fox. and he wanted to make friends with the Fox. this is how it basically goes...

F: i can't play with you because i am not tame.

P: oh, i'm sorry. but what does 'tame' mean?

F: it is something which is too often forgotten, it means '...to establish ties...'

P: '...to establish ties...'?

F: yes. to me, you are just a little boy like a hundred thousand other little boys. and i have no
need of you. just as you have no need of me for i am but a fox like a hundred thousand other
foxes. but if you tame me, then we shall need each other. to me, you will be unique and i will be unique to you.

P: now i am beginning to understand...

F: my life is monotonous. i hunt chickens and men hunt me. all chickens are alike and all men are alike. so i get a little bored. but if you were to tame me, then my life would be so full of sunshine. i shall recognise the sound of a step different from all the others. the sound of other footsteps would send me scurrying into my burrow but the sound of your steps shall call me out of my burrow like the sound of music...

(the Fox remained silent for awhile...thinking about it...)

F: i beg of you...tame me!

P: willingly but i am afraid i have many friends to discover and many other things to understand.

F: one can only understand the things one tames. if you want a friend, then tame me!

P: what should i do?

F: you must be very patient ... first you will sit at a distance from me. just like this. i will watch
you from the corner of my eye. you shall not speak for words are a source of misunderstanding. but everyday, you can sit a little closer to me.

the next day, the little Prince returned.

F: you should come back at the same time. for eg, if you usually come back at 4. by 3, i would start feeling happy. by 4(if you're still not here), then i'd start feeling anxious, agitated and unhappy - i shall discover the price of happiness.

thus it was that the Fox was tamed by the little Prince. when the time came for the Prince to depart.

F: oh i shall cry!

P: it's your own fault. you wanted me to tame you!

F: indeed.

P: but you are going to cry!

F: that is so.

P: then i have not helped you in any way!

F: let me tell you a secret. it is only with one's heart that one can see clearly. what is essential is invisible to the eye. it is the time you spend on another that makes that person important. men have forgotten this basic truth - for what you have tamed, you become responsible forever. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

this is of course not taken verbatim. i hope i managed to capture the essence of it. it is a truly wonderful book. but this was one part that i didn't capture proper the 1st time i read it. upon reading the book again for the 2nd time - this part just stood out to me.

but the point is, i've been 'tamed'. there are ppl i've been tamed by who will forever be unique and special to me. if i should die without accomplishing a full life - it'll be ok as long as these few ppl who have tamed me recognise me as being unique to them as well. it's like leaving my mark here on earth in this existence.

i mean - what's the point of living if when you're gone - it'll be as if you weren't even around to begin with? it'd be like becoming a king of a land with no subjects to rule over and when you die, then the land is just there. and that's that.

oh well.

signing off, the commonjack.

MEET JOE BLACK.

it's 3.31 am. i'm on a roll tonight ... another entry!

the following is an extract from the movie MEET JOE BLACK (definitely one of my fav movies of all time!): (of course this is from memory so it's not verbatim - but the gist is there.)

JOE(Brad Pitt's character aka DEATH) - J & OTHER GUY(can't remember his name) _ OG...

J: allison loves you doesn't she? just like you love her.

OG: (nods his head)

J: how do you know? how do you know that allison loves you?

OG: well...it's cause she knows the worst thing about me and it's ok. she knows my deepest darkest secret and (beat) it's ok. she still loves me.

J: so...what's your deepest darkest secret?

OG: it's not any ONE thing in particular. it's an idea ... a concept...er, once you know the worst thing about someone, then you know almost everything there is to know about that person - and then you're free.

J: Free?

OG: Free to just love the other person without any inhibitions. it's just no holds barred, out and out pure love. no secrets ... no nothing ...you're free to love.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
that's an interesting way to look at it innit? when i think about it that way - then i've never really been loved before then. admittedly, i'm not sure if i've ever devulged a deep dark secret of mine to someone but that's because i don't really have one.

however, i have shown myself at my weakest to a 'select few' and i suppose that could be akin to devulging a deep dark secret to someone. thus, with reference to the above - that means i have 'loved' someone before.

but applying this same test, that means i've not really been loved in return. well, this is of course referring to 'some' of the people in the 'select few' class of people and it is indeed a small(very small) class made up of very, very few people.

Oh well, this is depressing.

signing off, the commonjack.

fleeting youth

it's 11.24 pm.

fleeting as the soft winds of the night that blow by with a whisper so slight,

you scarcely hear it pass you as it takes flight!
looking through memories stored in boxes made of cardboard resting also in the confines of my mind, i can still see vivid images of a life gone by, one that is still alive and is growing old with time,

letters read with words that seem to carry new meaning whilst there are others that remain unchanged, pictures left untaken come to life in my mind's eye and shall forever linger till i am to old to remember nor care,

old times revisited and old relations reexamined, some good some bad some stronger, whilst some have dwindled down to mere acquaintances,what was real ... what was so, so real at one point in life is now questioned for it has become a mere memory that harbours the fierce possibility of being forgotten,

now it is i standing here with thoughts of words that might have been spoken, memories that now might have already been forgotten, a life that might have been should things have been different, pondering if mistakes made were worthwhile, if righteous acts were truly noble or in reality just antics of a fool? a fool who should have known better...

age is no indicator of real age, youth can last beyond the age of 21, wisdom comes neither with age nor with time but with experiences in life, in that sense youth could just be a simple state of mind, one that is fragile that it will crack when it is dropped one to many times.

signing off, the commonjack.

Death is just a state of mind.

love more.

it's 12.35 am.

i've figured out something about myself.

you know the age old stupid question of, "would you rather be with someone who (a: you love more than she loves you?) or (b: loves you more than you could ever love her?)"

i guess if there's no real shocker here. i am choice (a).

however, in all fairness, i was never sure of that. now - i am. and man is that trait of mine killing me.

there's this latin phrase which i can't seem to remember right now - but it basically means "what feeds me also kills me" or something to that effect. i remember seeing it tattooed on angelina jolie. so if anyone knows the phrase - feel free - lemme know.

i guess that's it. i don't have anything thought provoking to say. so i'll leave it at this.

signing off, commonjack.

A hiatus.

it's 3.49 am.

a hiatus is in order. things have come to a boiling point and is now slowly steaming away. normalcy seems to be a thing of a past. normal is now different. guess this is the way it's gonna be from now on. either get used to it and function or face the same failures of the past.

thus, a hiatus is in order. certain things - i have no room for right now. so, a hiatus for 'those things' for now. maybe for a long while. cause, once i take 'those things' away - and i start to think about it - everything else, i can handle. it's not easy. but i can handle. but as for 'those things' - i haven't figured out how to handle yet.

so, if i don't know where to go, stay put. something will come.

the word is ... 'hiatus'.

Signing off, the common jack.

Alexander C has left the country.

it's 2.25 am.

and so it comes to pass that Alexander C aka Alex aka the cutest baby in the world (beat) has left the country.

i've been so preoccupied with my own shit - i totally forgot about it.

i knew that my brother wanted to ship his baby(& wife of course) off to live with him in Singapore some time soon. and i even made a mental note of the date. so when i came home for dinner today to see my brother, his wife & baby Alex - i didn't realise that the occasion was to bid farewell (in a sense). i mean, it's not like i'll never see baby Alex again - since my brother does intend to eventually return here...but you know...this is long term. they're gonna be there for a while...and we're talking in terms of 'years' here...oh well...

the fact is, i've grown more attached to the little bugger than i knew. i mean check it out - this kid is the 1st of the next generation of my family. should the rest of us in the family never pro-create and just die - this kid will be the only proof to existence that we once walked the earth and had lives. real ones.

that's quite a big deal.

so much so that i feel the phrase, "i'm his uncle" or "he's my nephew", really doesn't cut it. these phrases mean so much more than they seem to connote.

maybe it's because i'm in such a 'fragile' state right now (because of all the shit i'm going through) - and call me a wuss if you wanna - when i realised that i would no longer have the luxury of just walking over to see little Alex anymore - i felt a shiver down my spine*. if i was any weaker than i am, i might have shed a tear or 2.
*you know that shiver you feel in your spine right before you feel like crying - when the tears are kinda building up? that's the shiver i am referring to.

now, i'd have to check my schedule, get my passport, get a bus ticket from pudu, take a 4 to 5 hour bus ride - go to another country OR just wait till my parents decide to drive down - if i want to see little Alex.

on MARCH 4th, little Alex will be celebrating his 1st year on earth. and as much as i'd like to go down and celebrate it with him - i don't think i'd be able to. he's just started showing signs of wanting to walk. i've seen him take 4 to 5 baby steps at most before collapsing. :) it looks like i'll most certainly not be around to see him walk around proper.

oh well - i guess that just means i have more of an excuse to get out of the house and country now.

i'll see you seen Alex.

signing off, the common jack.

and he goes down.

it's 12.35 am.

so this is what it feels like when you go down.

i don't know what to say. i don't know how to explain it. i space out every now and then in the middle of a crowd - even if the crowd is made out of very good friends of mine. i'm not really thinking about anything. i don't know...

i watched this movie a few weeks ago - called Garden State (good movie btw, you should catch it if you have the chance) - there was a part in the movie (might be a spoiler - this part - so don't read if you're one of those types - though what i'll say next won't really spoil the movie in essence for ya) - so anyway, there was this part in the movie where the main guy reveals something fr his past, like a deep dark secret and a period of silence followed. so the main chick (played by Natalie Portman) then asked him, "You're in it right now aren't you? ..." then she goes on to explain wht she means, "...it's like after you say something that's kinda big and deep, then your mind starts to wander off - thinking about it ... and my Mum used to say that that's when you're in it. And you're in it now aren't you?"

i guess that is one way to describe my state of mind now. i'm in it. and i haven't been able to snap out of it for a while now.

i think i've changed again. i've been permanently altered. my presensce isn't the same anymore. i had a drink with a friend the other day when i was feeling particularly low - and she could tell right off that there was something that was really bothering me.

i don't laugh as hard now. i don't feel as much now. it's numbness. melancholy is perhaps a good word to describe it.

oh well. i guess essentially its that i feel alone. but hey - like my brother says - we're all gonna be alone at some point in our lives. sometimes longer than is necessary - that's why we've gotta be comfortable with ourselves. is that my problem then? i'm not comfortable with myself?

it's hard to think in this state of mind. guess i'll just stop here.

signing off, the melancholy common jack.

Lets all say it together...

it's 7.09 pm.

come now, let us all say it together.

shit happens.

one more time! - shit happens.

all toghether now...nice and loud - SHIT HAPPENS!

it's an uncanny ability to have ie to be able to function when you feel like crap. i suppose there are different levels of crapness. and this is by far - one of the higher levels of crap that i've ever had to motherfukin take. so it's now a test of my strength.

the question is, "can i function through all this nonsense?"

at the moment, i don't feel a positive reaction to all the nonsense at all. i guess, for the moment at least, that answers the damn question.

signing off, the common jack amongst the kings and queens...

how you get to where i'm at.

it's 2.40 am.

i shall now proceed to tell ya 10 steps of how you get to where i'm at. (brace yourselves, this'll be a long one.)

1. you start off with good intentions. no real BIG ambitions per se. you just want to do good for yourself as well as others. having no real idea how to go about doing this, you decide to use 'doing the right thing' as a guide - striving for some form of idealistic way of life. the utopian ideals being the highest of the standard being strived for.

2. as you go along - fall in love. fall in love truly and inexplicably. i shall call this 'pure blind love' aka PBL. you know how some people can explain why it is they've fallen in love with someone? well, when you're dealing with PBL, there's no explanation. there's no rational explanation to why you would be willing to do absolutely everything for this person you've fallen in PBL for. there is nothing you can say to justify all the feelings you feel for this other person. it's inexplicable. it just 'is'.

this is where when if one person were to ask you why you're in love with this girl - you would say - "i don't know why. i just do." - and then (you might not realise it at the time) - this PBL has actually provided you with an energy that'll continue to flow within you for the rest of your life. it'll continue to inspire you. it'll continue to feed you. it'll be a part of you. anyone who knows you well enough will know that there's this energy in you. that's what PBL does to you - like a permanent aspect of you that has changed you forever.

3. afterwards, you realise that even PBL can be unrequited for whatever reasons. the person you feel PBL for doesn't feel the same. it's ok. life goes on. armed with the energy PBL has given you - you feel that you have an edge on life or at the very least feel that you'll be ok. whatever happens - you'll be ok.

4. so, now you focus on what to do with your life. finding something you enjoy, tryin to identify what makes you tick. you try a few things. look into a few other things. then try to make the most 'rational' and reasonable choice. hoping that if something is rational and totally reasonable - then you can't go wrong right? WRONG. (there's no such thing as something that can't go wrong. everything can go wrong. it's the nature of life. - like i always say - shit happens, deal with it.)

5. but havin made that decision, you stick to your guns and look to it as a means to an end. just do whatever you can and get it over with. but being earnest and filled with good intentions - you make an attempt to do the best you can.

6. however, you then lose the motivation. you lose concentration. you lose the will to stay in it. this is where you realise that something has gone WRONG and you get all f**ked up about it. you totally lose it. and you fail.

a period of 'lostness' follows. but eventually you claw your way back to wanting to just get it over with. and thus, you start all over again.

7. in starting all over again, you fall in love again. but it's different this time. this time, it's not PBL anymore. this time - it makes absolute complete sense. it just hits you like a tonne of bricks and you go, "shit! i cannot believe i didn't realise this earlier!...wow..."

the pieces of the puzzle all fall down in the right place. they form a perfect picture. it's beautiful.

8. then you realise that even something that makes complete sense - can go wrong. so you walk away with all these feelings. but knowing that that's as far as it'll go. that's it. you'll feel f**ked. but that's the way it is. after all - shit happens, tough - deal with it.

9. and then you proceed to watch everything else that you thought was stable and was your base fall and crumble into ruins. and realising that there is nothing you can really do about it but watch.

10. but then again, you find yourself still standing. you're still there. alone. but you're still there. you're not dead (not really). you're not really sure where you are - but you're not that lost either. it could be described as a state of limbo. but that makes it sound very cliched and maybe worse than it really is? i don't know. i'm not really sure.

you're basically left with this basic question, "so...what now?"
___________________________________________________________________

there it is. 10 steps to get to where i'm at. not very hard. it happens quite quickly actually. one day you wake up and it hits you and then you blink your eyes and shake your head and go, "fuck...so - what now?"

signing off, the common jack amongst the kings and queens...

Bad Day.

it's 5.30 pm.

it's been a bad day. i won't go on to disseminate what it is that went wrong today. because, i'm just not that type of blogger but also because 'nothing in particular' went wrong today. meaning to say, it's not that my computer went kaput, or that i had car problems, or that i had a fight with someone etc.

but it's been a bad day in the sense that when i woke up this morning - i didn't really expect anything to happen. good or bad. i suppose i was probably hoping on something good. but didn't really put much thought into it. then things in general have happened today (once again - nothing really specific) but nothing 'good' in that sense of the word - i guess a better way of putting it would be to say that nothing today has happened(thus far) that's naturally put a smile on my face.

so here i am - in the midst of menial household chores - feeling like crap.

this sucks. i'm out.

signing off, the common jack amongst the kings and queens...

what can i say? shit happens. deal with it.

it's 2.58 am.

here's something i wrote a few days ago...it's called "...stated in bold..."

These bags under my eyes,
They don't lie,
they tell of many tears cried,
and stories of sleepless nights,

Their dark shade speaks of innocence that has given up the fight,
and where the wings of men have been clipped - thus unable to take flight,

Their depth show of sorrow unbroken,
shouting out in silence of words unspoken,
causing immense throes of woe that feels neverending,

They are accessories to eyes that carry deep and heavy thoughts,
they help support eyes that are weary and no longer see the hopes and dreams of the past,

They are bags of burden, these bags under my eyes ...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
here's something i just wrote a mere few minutes ago...it's called "A Tear Drop"

A tear drop for pain,
A tear drop for sorrow,
I'm shedding tears for all the joy I won't have tomorrow,

A tear drop to mark farewell,
A tear drop reluctantly follows,
These are endless tears of grief that will be left untold,

A tear drop that's dried up,
A tear drop that's wiped off,
Let not these tears plague me again tomorrow.

Signing off, the common jack amongst the kings and queens...

Edgar Allen Poe.

it's 1.44 pm.

one of my favs. junoesque ( http://junoesque.blogspot.com/ ) properly introduced me to this one.

The Raven By Edgar Allan Poe

http://ravensbranch.allen.com/poem.html

have a read if u like.

sigining off, common jack(not doing too good these days) amongst the kings and queens...

still wish you were dead?

it's 8.25 pm.

i guess - at this age - we are fast approaching that time in our lives where we all feel a little bummed somehow. it's inevitable. i mean - when i was a kid (kid meaning below the age of 18) - i used to look at the lives my older brothers had or just older friends and it looked so exciting. it looked so much more inviting than going to school for the better part of the day and studying for exams.

mobility would improve as you get your driving license. and the license is like a key to a whole new realm of possibilities. now, going to town wouldn't be a chore that involved a full weeks worth of planning beforehand - i can just pick up and leave if i really wanted / needed to. that's huge.

then, there was always more money - (well, it looked like the older people always had more money) - there were women, meeting new people, sex...i mean - wow. i couldn't wait.

but then we all get here. and then we get bummed. because of all that promise of how cool it would be to be a grown up just doesn't play up to what it is realistically - life is realistically depressing that way innit?

so you start feeling depressed and start looking for something new to look forward to. we all try to find something that gives us the same buzz the 'promise of how cool it would be to be a grown up used to give to us'. it's like a drug and we're all addicted to this one.

however, of course shit doesn't work out a lot because - well - that's just the way it is. and then we start getting depressed and we start saying shit like, "I wish I was dead."

now - there are many responses to that phrase. the most cliched stuff like - "there's always someone who's got it worse", "the grass is always greener on the other side", "life is a wondrous gift..." etc.

as true of false - up to you to decide - these cliched statements are... i get tired of hearing these things being said sometimes. when someone says stuff like that to me, i fight the urge to say, "DUH! - i know that shite!" ...

recently, i watched a crap movie where the same stuff is said but put forward differently ... (btw, this is the whole point of this blog entry...enjoy.)

THE SETTING:
woman is depressed over her sister's tragic murder. she meets sister's boyfriend who knows what happened to the sister.

they go to the site of the murder and woman starts to sob and says, "god, i wish i were dead! WAA!!!"

dead sis's boyfriend says, "you don't mean that. think about your sister..."

woman says, "NO! NO! i don't care...i just want to lay down here and die! WAAA!!!"

dead sis's boyfriend says, "you know what? you need to hear this. she(dead sis) was brought here. right to this very spot. she was brought here in a car kicking and screaming. she was surrounded by 4 men. here is where they hit her, raped her and then stabbed her 53 times when she didn't just lay down and took it.

she clawed at them. she slapped them. she struggled and even shot one of them in the foot with one of their guns. she screamed in their faces. she gave them scars. she kicked and hit back whenever she could. she gave it all till she couldn't give anything anymore. even when she was being stabbed. she continued to struggle. she didn't stop until her body gave out on her.

she did all this because this life(any life) is worth fighting for. no matter how bad it gets. it's worth fighting for. and she fought for it!

why shouldn't you?"

dead sis's boyfriend pauses for a while and stares woman down as she absorbs all that he's said...and he continued, "still wish you were dead?"

THE END.

oh well - that's it.

signing off, the common jack amongst the kings and queens...

Beer tastes like crap.

it's 3.57 am.

i'm chugging down my 1st bottle right now. it's carlsberg ice beer. i wanted to just get a 6 pack or something. but there wasn't any there at the 7-eleven. i grabbed 3 bottles of carlsberg ice beer simply because they were at eye level and within reach.

and beer tastes like crap.

but here i am - just parked outside my house less than 5 minutes ago - and i've already finished my 1st bottle. in fact, dropping the last few drops now. head is already feeling slightly heavy. i'm not drunk. nope. wish i had the money to buy enough beer to get drunk right now. but nope, only had enough to buy 3 bottles. not the big ones either - just the standard 325ml ones.

i'm just hoping that if i chug them down quickly - then i'd get high.

gosh - feel like crap now - but i can still type - looks like spending money on the 3 beers has been a waste of good money. feel like crying. but nothing's coming out. i'm only halfway through my 2nd bottle now. well - kinda. maybe by the 3rd one - i'll start bawling. who knows? i remember once - all i had was one fucking bottle of carl's reserve and i started to burst like a fucking damn. maybe that's it - maybe i need another carl's reserve.

fuck it. i'm not going out for more beer. shit - it tastes like crap.

but i'm feeling it a little more now. excellent. i'm not drunk yet. i won't get drunk. not with just a measely 3 freakin bottles. but it'll have to do.

i can't seem to bring myself to chug down the last half of my 2nd bottle. i'm no drinker. never was. fucking beer tastes like shit. ah wht the hell -

ahhhh... one more freaking quarter left of my 2nd bottle. then i'll move on to the 3rd bottle. then i won't be drunk. but maybe i'll be high enough to cry? do i need to cry? maybe i'll be high enough to not think? maybe i'll be high enough to not care anymore. yeah...maybe that will happen. wtf am i doing? why am i even typing this shit out?

who the fuck careS? i'll finish the last quarter of the 2nd bottle now...

took me a good minute or 3 but i finished the last quarter of my 2nd bottle. head heavier now. not drunk - but having to type a single word a few times before i get it right. hey ... guess tht means its working. dont feel like crying yet though. maybe the 3rd bottle will get me there.

i was actually considering keeping the 3rd bottle for a rainy day. but wht the hell...i'm gonna finish it now.

fuck - spilt a little bit. gimme a sec. i get some tissue.


holy shit - i just caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror - i'm as red as freaking christmas tree...or i think more like red like christmas tree lights...haha...you know wht i freaking mean.

shit - beer tastes like crap! i'm not even halfway through my 3rd bottle yet. wht a freaking useless drinker. haha. but my head is feeling more heavy now. i still don't feel like crying. well - guess the beer isn't helping then. oh well.

i just forced myself to drink till there's only half left. i usually don't drink beer this fast. i wonder if i'll end up puking. i've never puked cause of drinking before. me being the dependable fucker who doesn't get too drunk. who never gets too drunk. the guy who's never puked because of drnking before. i think the last time i puked was probably 5 yrs ago - and i was really really sick then. docs thought i had freaking denggi. almost got admitted too. then they told me tht i jsut had a really high fever.

maybe i should just delete this entry? ah what the hell - i'm never foolish - lets be foolish for once. why not right?

friends .... those of you reading this...you';re gonna feel compelled to call me...to leave a coomment...to send me an email....

let me pls ask this of you - and pls honour this request.

DOn't.

just read this and know tht at one point in time - ie at this time - i feel like crap. and its ok ... whts life if you never feel crap every now and again. it ain't all flowers and daisies right? and relatively speaking ... i guess i've had it good. i mean. yeah i guess i've had it good. there's always something to complain about. but i wont. now now.

oh wow...i'm really getting a little high now. chugging this shit down is getting me there.

fuck - everytime i chug down a few gulps - i feel like i'm gonna puke. i'm really fucking gulping this crap down. it's freaking 4.24 am now. i'm gonna finish this 3rd bottle and just go to bed. iu still don't feel like crying at all. i was hoping the beer would help. oh well.

its weird - just a while ago - i was floating on air. now i'm trying to get high enough to cry.

argh! i keep on pressing the start button. there i go agiamn.

i notice the wrong spelling - nbut i'm not gonna fix ttht. just so tht the nexyt time i come online and read this - i can know tht i was really fucked up when i wrote this.

there's about just a little more than a quarter left, my stomache is startign to feel a little funny. but no....i'm gonna finish it.

i just went to look myself in the mirror - i look quite scary. getting high woint change anything. i'll still feel like crap tomorrow. lets jsut hoipe that this doesnt become a ritual.

hahha;....shit ... i just slid off the chair..

there's just less than a quarter left. i tried to finish it. but i couldnt. beer tastes like crap.
'

thank god i dont have class tomorrow.

hey...i'll sign into msn... haha...there's noone i'd like to talk to on my list right now. so i'll just leave it...

fuck....just one or 2 more small chugs left. then i'll be done. maybe i should have just stayed at 2 bottles.

man...i'm really red now. this is so stupid. why am i doign this ?


great. i' ve finished it./



ok. i'm out.

signing off --- the fucking common jack a,pmgst thje kings and queens.../

feeling depressed?

it's 8.40 pm.

feeling low? rather depressed?
well, get a beer, have a lie down ... it gets worse.

when you start thinking that it can't get any worse - it does. if you believe that all the shit has already gone down and the worst is over - take a good look around baby - it ain't over till the fat lady sings and the bad news is that she's been missing for a while and nobody knows where the hell she's at.

so what can you do when life gets that way?

i always thought that if shit happens - well - it happens. you can't stop it. it's something that you can't control. i try not to even worry about it. when it happens - there's only one thing to do - you try your best to overcome the situation and if that's not good enough - you try again. that's really all there is to do.

you could of course decide to get all fucked up and just scuff everything and be like, "it's all shit anyway ... so why bother?" ... but that's just stupid. really - that's just stupid.

so i've made it a point to try and do the right thing as far as i possibly can. but it's getting tiring. i hoped that cumulatively - doing the right thing will get me somewhere / something ... but here i am and i've got NUTs.

i guess it's true - good guys do finish last eh? or maybe i'm NOT that good after all. ah well - who the fuck knows? i don't really care anymore.

to be honest, i'm a little sick of being me at the moment. good or bad - i don't care anymore. don't i sound like a conceited self absorbed son of a bitch right now? hell yeah i do. and i don't give a damn! woo hoo!

so out of all this god awful rambling - what can i really say? what do i really know?

well - i know that tomorrow - i'll wake up.

i'll do whatever it is i need to do or whatever that comes up or maybe even not do anything at all...

then i'll eventually go to sleep and then wake up again and the cycle will continue till the day God decides, "ENOUGH. THAT'S IT."

things might change. it might change cause of me or cause of something else.

i just feel like shit now.

later.

signing off, the common jack amongst the kings and queens...