mis-spent youth.(the choirboy)

as the wolf likes to say every now and again - i am a 'choirboy'. i guess i can't deny it.



don't get me wrong - i've done my fair share of shit. i've made mistakes. i've committed wrongs against others. did they deserve it? maybe some of them - but the rest? i don't think so.

i've f**cked up. i won't beat around the bush - some of these people, i will not be able to ever face them without feeling ashamed with myself. as cliched as it sounds, one f**k up does indeed render every other good thing you ever did before in the past meaningless (at least, it most certainly feels that way for the wrong-do'er, and when it comes down to it - that's the way one feels and that's what matters). the bigger the f**k up, the longer it will take to function through it. people say you should forgive yourself sometimes and move on. i'll move on. but there are some things that i won't forgive myself for. there's no rational explanation for it. it just is the way it is.

so where does 'mis-spent youth' tie into all this? well, i believe i missed out on my chance to f**k up and be OK with it. in our younger years, we're allowed to f**k up and get away with it. it's even a principle in law that if you're below a certain age, you will be let off the hook because you don't know any better. i missed out on that little window of opportunity because i've always been expected to act on a level of maturity higher than my actual age. being the youngest of 3 siblings, 13 years between myself and the eldest and 10 years between myself and the 2nd eldest, i've had to rise up to their level in order to get a closer relationship with them (or so that i didn't get the shit kicked out of me all the f**king time).

i was expected to understand the concept of 'privacy' at that age so i never entered their rooms without knocking nor was i allowed to do so when they weren't around. i never used their 'stuff' without their permission. i had to organise my own schedules around theirs because they had more 'important' things to do - so my needs or wants were brushed aside.

i'm not the typical stereotyped spoilt youngest child - although i do have certain *moments of being spoilt, as my brothers would most certainly attest to - they wouldn't deny also that i had a fair balance of responsibilities.

so yeah, sure - they went out of their way for me a a fair amount of times and i took responsibility for my own actions and also went out of my way to function at a higher level of maturity. and thats the way it is supposed to work. but i've never really thought about it till now... what do i lose in the trade-off? i might have lost the ability to give myself a break and just move on because i've been practicing an awareness of a higher level for so long that a f**k up is actually inexcusable now.

it's not anybody's fault, it's just the natural course of things.

it stings more when you give something your 'A' game and still come up short, very short. but what to do? shit happens - tough - deal with it.

my brother's friends used to marvel at how 'well-behaved' i was / am. everytime they expressed such a thing, my brothers would say, "yeah, he's well trained."

for example:-

i live in a double storey terrace house in a hilly area. so instead of having the traditional 2 storey house as the term 'double-storey' suggests, my house is split into 4 floors. in the old days when i was a mere wee lad of 5 till i was about 12, there was only one phone in the house which was in the living room (which would be the '2nd floor' out of the 4 - so to speak). once it was determined that i was old enough to speak on the phone, i was considered old enough to answer it - *all the time.

i was the official receptionist simply because i was the youngest and therefore it was assumed had nothing to do which leads to the fact that whenever the phone rang - whatever it was i was doing - i was the one who was supposed to answer the phone.

it's still that way but at least now sometimes, the call is for me.

anyway, i used to think that a boy has a 'rite of passage' to pass. we're mischevious by nature and have to get rid of all that mischieviousness while we're younger before we can become men. i don't think i necessarily had that luxury.

so that's why the wolf calls me a 'choirboy' - it's true - i'm my own worse critic. so when i do something i 'wrong', i feel bad about it. even if i had every right to commit the 'wrongful' act - catch my meaning? i'll still feel bad about it. i'm a choirboy because i want to do things the right way because that's what i've been taught to do.

take the harder road - the rewards are better. don't stoop to an enemy's level no matter how much the idiot deserves it. be the 'better man' who 'rises above' the pettiness of being a human. nobody's perfect, but that's no excuse to act like a stupid idiot.

so i guess ya - i'm a choirboy.