good people?

i heard someone say, "There's no such thing as bad people. Just good people who do bad things."

the rationale behind the statement is that we all have a conscience. whether we choose to acknowledge it or not is of course another issue. but we all instinctively *know when we do something wrong. there's this faint alarm (for some it's louder) that goes off in the back of your head...sometimes it sends down a tingling sensation down your spine that some people mistakenly interpret as a 'adrenalin rush'. regardless, it's easy to ignore this alarm simply because most people do. the herd mentality affects most of us i guess.

however, that being said, i must admit that i myself sometimes react in the wrong ie 'bad' way 1st too. sometimes the bad thing is the 1st thing that comes out. and it takes a split second later for the good thing to see the light. the way i look at it, at least it comes out.

here's a little exerp from a book i'm currently writing which should illustrate what i mean by the last paragraph above:-

a little background before you read what is to follow ... Lucid is my main character of the story DREAM REALM in which i basically create this fictional world simply called the 'Dream Realm'. this world's source of energy are 'our' dreams from the mortal realm. as such, there's a body created specifically to watch over our dreams as there are 'evil' forces at work - supernatural beings who want to destroy the Dream Realm by destroying 'our' dreams and as such destroy us as well. so, Lucid is from the mortal realm who crossed over.

this is an exerp where Lucid is basically just keeping tabs of the girl he loved (Sarah) whom he had to leave in the mortal realm when he was forced to flee into the Dream Realm.

the story is not finished yet, so if you'd like to know more about this story...let me know. *Grins.

anyway, here it is, the exerp:

(parts of the exerp highlighted in RED are just interesting thoughts worth thinking about even if for just a moment and the part highlighted in BOLD RED is the part of the exerp that is directly related to the present blog entry.)

Lucid’s office …

Sarah’s file popped up, “Video playback or Report?” said the computer.

“Video playback please.” And Sarah’s dream from last night started. She was visiting me again. Well, my grave that is. And as always, it was raining. It always rained when she came to see me. She would be standing by my grave, dressed in black mourning clothes holding a black umbrella and she would proceed to tell me about what she’s doing at present. This would always be my favourite part.

X

“Hey Tiger, …” that’s my nickname, “…guess what? I’ve finally got my 1st novel published. Yup, it’s finally happened.” She stops and smiles, closing her eyes as she did so – I loved it when she did that because I could almost literally see the memory she was recalling in her head etched in her smile and glowing from her face. “I told you I’d get a book out before I was 40. I’m only 36 now and that means I’m right on schedule to get my first international best seller by 45.” She laughs again. I miss her laugh.

Suddenly, the expression on her face changes and her smile faded with a soft subtlety, “Tiger, there’s something I feel I should tell you. I’ve been keeping it from you for a long time now and I used to think it was unnecessary to let you know. But I feel things have changed now and well … you should know.”

The rain started to pour even harder and I suddenly saw myself standing right next to her. Sarah must have something really important to tell me. I only appear in her dreams when there’s something big like when her mother passed away or when she quit her law firm to concentrate on writing. She already just told me that her 1st book has been published – what else could be bigger?

Seeing myself in her dreams was always a treat. You see, when you see yourself in someone else’s dream – it feels really weird because there you are but not really. Since the last time I saw her was when I was 21, that was how I appeared to her. As fucked up as I was at that age, I would only appear to her with an aura of peace and serenity. I appear as how she perceived me to be and it’s always nice to see myself through her eyes because she saw the best in me and she brought out the best in me.

Everything that was ‘wrong’ with me was ‘right’ to her and when someone embraces your flaws with as much ease as they would your good qualities – you become ‘perfect’ in their eyes and mind. And that was how I appeared to her in her dreams – ‘perfect’.

“I’m engaged.” The words stung me right through and through. Sitting in my office, my whole surroundings faded away and I felt like I could not even breathe. “It’s that guy I talk to you about every now and again – Gary. Remember him?” she stopped to look at me (myself in her dream that is) and I just stood there looking lost and confused.

“I’m sorry Tiger, I don’t want to hurt you but Gary proposed to me and I said yes. He’s been good to me Tiger and I know that he loves me. I can see it in his eyes. And I guess I love him too. Not like I love you – it’s different but I do care for him.” She stops a moment to see how I would react, “…Come on Tiger, you have to say something.” She was going to cry.

I watched myself in her dream and saw myself walk over to her and hugged her almost without any hesitation. And I saw myself say, “Don’t cry. All I wish for you is for you to be happy. Don’t worry about me. I will always love you. And I will never forgive myself if you denied yourself happiness because of me. Live your life. Love and be loved. I will always be with you. And you will always be with me.” And I saw us both just stand there in the rain – holding each other.

She definitely saw the best in me. I would never react that way initially if it were really me standing there hearing that sort of news. The right thing to do in my case was always the 2nd thing I’d do rather than the 1st – if I did the right thing at all. And then she turned away and walked off as I let her go. I then saw myself fall to the ground on my knees and I watched myself trying very hard not to cry as tears formed and started rolling down my cheeks. Now that’s me.

Sarah really knew me, at my best. She knew that I would do the right thing and tell her to be happy. And she also knew that I would hurt. But she knew for a fact that I would never let her see me hurt. I’d wait till she would go.

That was me. On my knees, in the rain by my own grave – hurting.

that's it.

take care y'all.

signing off, commonjack.