I've got Issues.

it's 12.05 am. i have reached a conclusion.

i've got issues. big deal lah ... who hasn't? like i say at the top of this damn blog - "shit happens - tough - deal with it" - but i suppose i just feel like venting. and what is the damn blog for if i don't vent every once in a while eh? so i'm gonna vent.

i get moody every once in a while. big deal lah - who doesn't? and i'm not even gonna try and justify this - like i said - i'm venting. moody-ness hits me like a (thinking of a good metaphor) ... okok - rephrase: moody-ness is a little chunk of stone that's hanging on a very thin thread that's at the back of my mind. sometimes the thread gives way and falls deeper into my subconscious and i will find myself thinking about it even when i don't want to.

i get moody about not any 'one specific' thing in particular. when i get moody - it's because i'm depressed with the whole picture. (taking another stab at sounding profound here) my life feels like ball of yarn unravelling as each day goes by. some days - i have good days - i get my shit together and my yarn becomes slightly fuller again. i'm having fewer good days as of late.

"lisha" asked me about my poem i put up several days ago - "is the angst of YOU directed at anyone in particular?" - i didn't answer. i'll answer now; of course it is. and i'll leave you to guess who that person is. won't take a genius to figure it out. in fact - the nature of my some of my problems are so f*ckin classic & cliched that this very fact pisses me off more and drives me further down that road of moody-ness.

however, in a nutshell, i think i suddenly fall into pangs and pits of moody-ness because i'm starting to doubt myself. maybe i'm not such a hotshot. i've got something to prove to myself. and the fact that expectations(of others) are riding on me proving to myself that i can do 'any-fukin-thing' i want - doesn't really help. so really - i have no room to doubt myself. i can't waste brain power and sleepless nights thinking about it.

i got to just bloody do it. or give up on some of the 'things' that i'm doing now.

classic case of passion and priorities. wouldn't it be nice to live in a world where those 2 "P" words meant the same thing? ("shit happens - tough - deal with it.") i hate it when my own life philosophies fly directly at my face.

life's too short to waste time and effort on things you're not passionate about - and life's too short for one not to finish off matters of priority either. so what is one left with? a freakin' epistemological void - is what it is. (could be wrong in usage of this BIG word - but you know what? - bite me.)

sometimes the pressure and moodyness hits me and affects me to the point where i end up not doing either well. and that shit's just bad. no excuses. which leaves me to a few conclusions actually...

1. i might have to give something up. (and i hate giving up on anything.)
2. i've got issues. (who doesn't?)
3. maybe i'm going at everything all wrong.

we'll see how this pans out as this little adventure moves further along.

later.

signing off, the common jack amongst the kings and queens.