Revised TOP 5.

my top 5 list is finally revised. it's been years since i last edited my top 5...however, recently i have seen one whom without a shadow of a doubt has to be put into my list. regretably, that means one has to go. we shall observe a moment of silence for the exit of one who has occupied a spot on my top 5 list for a very, very long time.

(for a peek at my previous top 5 list...go to entry entitled 'eye candy'.)

alrights...here you go... commonjack's new top 5...*drum roll...

1. her place in number 1 has not been compromised by the recent revision of the list. here she stays unshake'd and constant...Miss Sarah Tan.



2. her place in number 2 also has not been compromised but in fact further strengthened when i watched 'Alfie' recently...Miss Marisa Tomei. i'll always have her in mind from the movie "Only You".



3. there has been a slight change with this number. Miss Angelina Jolie has now moved up from number 4 to number 3...no particular reason. i just feel like it. *grin (p/s: i love this picture of her.)



4. her position from number 3 has been taken but she is far from being dropped out of the list...Miss Scarlett Johansson.



now, as you can see...the 4 ladies above were also from my long-standing previous list...thus, if you have viewed or remember who number 5 was...well - you guessed it then...Miss Jeniffer Aniston. she is one who was on my very 1st list and has braved many a newcomer...when Miss Jolie came in after i watched her in 'Girl Interrupted' ... there was even a stiff battle with Miss Tea Leoni at one point. alas, she has finally lost and as such...a moment of silence pls... (pause).

alrightey then...for those of you who give a shit... *grin... here she is...new number 5...the newest and latest addition to Commonjack's top 5...i wonder whether she'll stay on for as long as Miss Aniston has...only time will tell...if you please...a warm welcome for...

5. Miss Sienna 'Rose' Miller! watched her in the movie 'Alfie' - not only is she great on the eyes...but she can act too. that one scene where she bares it all ... asking for another chance ... promising to change ... i fell in love. *sighs wistfully.



thats it. i'm out.

signing off...the commonjack.

constancy.

there are many things that are constant in this world. both scientifically & spiritually. it is an odd & unfortunate fact that we often do not appreciate these things that are constant. however, even if you do learn to appreciate the constant things - methinks you might not yet achieve true happiness.

actually, i think a person would be most happy if he/she is able to truly appreciate the inconsistent nature of things as well.

friends, family, & even loved ones are inherently inconsistent. as they say, 'death' is the one thing that is truly constant. we will all 'die' at some point. it is a check & balance mechanism that allows us to appreciate the advent of 'life'.

therefore, if you learn to embrace the inconsistency - which is an unalienable element of everything, you may be able to convert that element of inconsistency into one of constancy. allow me to explain ...

learn how to be in the 'here & now'. truly know what you have and then allow yourself to 'let it go' so that you remember what it was you had; not because its gone or that it left you - but because you actually truly had it at one point in your life.

that way - you'll always have it within you. that way, it becomes constant.

X

so how's that for a theory eh?

signing off - the commonjack.

for a friend.

dear 'all who read this blog',

if you remember a past entry titled, 'the good stuff' - i posted up something a friend (Poesy) wrote about me on Friendster.

well, i won't waste anymore of your time - just read what's below - and ... i don't know what to say...

X

Hi, I am Poesy. What I have to say might be news to some of you, but I shall try to make it short.

I am due for a CyberKnife surgery asap to remove/zap tumours left in my spinal cord during my last spinal surgery. These growths has persisted over the last 13 years and I have had to deal with paralysis and/or disabilities countless times. Over the years, my neurosurgeons have performed 2 major removals of these spinal tumours. I have fought hard to walk again every time. Due to having had those intrusive spinal surgeries, I am not to open up my spine again. In layman's terms, it is a big mess inside - with the old scar tissues, new scar tissues, damaged nerves, affected blood vessels and scattered residues of tumours - everything fused together. It is now practically impossible to do much with physical surgery, but the tumours will continue to affect me as they grow. These medical ordeals have left me with some permanent disabilities, albeit that I work hard at them to go as unnoticeable as possible. I am clearly lucky to even be walking again, and am determined to continue doing so.

After extensive research and obtaining different opinions from the most capable neurosurgeons around, I have been advised to seek a stereotactic radiosurgery called CyberKnife before I lose further functions of my legs. CyberKnife is a medical technology invented in Stanford 9 years ago and is the only one which is currently fit to operate on the spine. During my recent visit to Stanford University, it was decided that I am to undergo treatment within the period of Dec 05/Jan 06. This procedure will eliminate and disable reproduction of tumour cells, but it is not without risks.

I am writing this e-mail as an appeal for help. The surgery is going to cost USD$85,000. My insurance agency are not keen to speak to me at all. I am a little stuck at this point but am not willing to give up hope. Hence I am reaching out to friends for any form of contribution - be it help on raising this amount in such a short time or a personal/institutional donation. Every penny counts at this point to make up the amount!

I will be grateful for any kind of response. Thank you for your time. For further information on my condition, please feel free to contact me with the contact details listed below.

X

erm, i didn't feel right about posting up her contact details. so ... if you have any queries - leave a comment and we'll see what we can do eh?

signing off, the commonjack.

Julius Caesar.

for those of you who are in the country -

... lend me your ears ... (or rather - lend me your eyes?)

my attempts at breaking into the local theater scene is finally bearing some fruit. i've been casted in Julius Caesar (click to find out showtimes). if you're wondering who i'm playing, well - i'm not the Caesar himself ... but i've got a nice little role. :)

if you are free on any one of the said dates and more importantly, if you're interested, go on then - buy a ticket and come watch me - at the same time you'd be supporting the m'sian arts scene! *Grin.

take care y'all.

signing off - the commonjack.

good people?

i heard someone say, "There's no such thing as bad people. Just good people who do bad things."

the rationale behind the statement is that we all have a conscience. whether we choose to acknowledge it or not is of course another issue. but we all instinctively *know when we do something wrong. there's this faint alarm (for some it's louder) that goes off in the back of your head...sometimes it sends down a tingling sensation down your spine that some people mistakenly interpret as a 'adrenalin rush'. regardless, it's easy to ignore this alarm simply because most people do. the herd mentality affects most of us i guess.

however, that being said, i must admit that i myself sometimes react in the wrong ie 'bad' way 1st too. sometimes the bad thing is the 1st thing that comes out. and it takes a split second later for the good thing to see the light. the way i look at it, at least it comes out.

here's a little exerp from a book i'm currently writing which should illustrate what i mean by the last paragraph above:-

a little background before you read what is to follow ... Lucid is my main character of the story DREAM REALM in which i basically create this fictional world simply called the 'Dream Realm'. this world's source of energy are 'our' dreams from the mortal realm. as such, there's a body created specifically to watch over our dreams as there are 'evil' forces at work - supernatural beings who want to destroy the Dream Realm by destroying 'our' dreams and as such destroy us as well. so, Lucid is from the mortal realm who crossed over.

this is an exerp where Lucid is basically just keeping tabs of the girl he loved (Sarah) whom he had to leave in the mortal realm when he was forced to flee into the Dream Realm.

the story is not finished yet, so if you'd like to know more about this story...let me know. *Grins.

anyway, here it is, the exerp:

(parts of the exerp highlighted in RED are just interesting thoughts worth thinking about even if for just a moment and the part highlighted in BOLD RED is the part of the exerp that is directly related to the present blog entry.)

Lucid’s office …

Sarah’s file popped up, “Video playback or Report?” said the computer.

“Video playback please.” And Sarah’s dream from last night started. She was visiting me again. Well, my grave that is. And as always, it was raining. It always rained when she came to see me. She would be standing by my grave, dressed in black mourning clothes holding a black umbrella and she would proceed to tell me about what she’s doing at present. This would always be my favourite part.

X

“Hey Tiger, …” that’s my nickname, “…guess what? I’ve finally got my 1st novel published. Yup, it’s finally happened.” She stops and smiles, closing her eyes as she did so – I loved it when she did that because I could almost literally see the memory she was recalling in her head etched in her smile and glowing from her face. “I told you I’d get a book out before I was 40. I’m only 36 now and that means I’m right on schedule to get my first international best seller by 45.” She laughs again. I miss her laugh.

Suddenly, the expression on her face changes and her smile faded with a soft subtlety, “Tiger, there’s something I feel I should tell you. I’ve been keeping it from you for a long time now and I used to think it was unnecessary to let you know. But I feel things have changed now and well … you should know.”

The rain started to pour even harder and I suddenly saw myself standing right next to her. Sarah must have something really important to tell me. I only appear in her dreams when there’s something big like when her mother passed away or when she quit her law firm to concentrate on writing. She already just told me that her 1st book has been published – what else could be bigger?

Seeing myself in her dreams was always a treat. You see, when you see yourself in someone else’s dream – it feels really weird because there you are but not really. Since the last time I saw her was when I was 21, that was how I appeared to her. As fucked up as I was at that age, I would only appear to her with an aura of peace and serenity. I appear as how she perceived me to be and it’s always nice to see myself through her eyes because she saw the best in me and she brought out the best in me.

Everything that was ‘wrong’ with me was ‘right’ to her and when someone embraces your flaws with as much ease as they would your good qualities – you become ‘perfect’ in their eyes and mind. And that was how I appeared to her in her dreams – ‘perfect’.

“I’m engaged.” The words stung me right through and through. Sitting in my office, my whole surroundings faded away and I felt like I could not even breathe. “It’s that guy I talk to you about every now and again – Gary. Remember him?” she stopped to look at me (myself in her dream that is) and I just stood there looking lost and confused.

“I’m sorry Tiger, I don’t want to hurt you but Gary proposed to me and I said yes. He’s been good to me Tiger and I know that he loves me. I can see it in his eyes. And I guess I love him too. Not like I love you – it’s different but I do care for him.” She stops a moment to see how I would react, “…Come on Tiger, you have to say something.” She was going to cry.

I watched myself in her dream and saw myself walk over to her and hugged her almost without any hesitation. And I saw myself say, “Don’t cry. All I wish for you is for you to be happy. Don’t worry about me. I will always love you. And I will never forgive myself if you denied yourself happiness because of me. Live your life. Love and be loved. I will always be with you. And you will always be with me.” And I saw us both just stand there in the rain – holding each other.

She definitely saw the best in me. I would never react that way initially if it were really me standing there hearing that sort of news. The right thing to do in my case was always the 2nd thing I’d do rather than the 1st – if I did the right thing at all. And then she turned away and walked off as I let her go. I then saw myself fall to the ground on my knees and I watched myself trying very hard not to cry as tears formed and started rolling down my cheeks. Now that’s me.

Sarah really knew me, at my best. She knew that I would do the right thing and tell her to be happy. And she also knew that I would hurt. But she knew for a fact that I would never let her see me hurt. I’d wait till she would go.

That was me. On my knees, in the rain by my own grave – hurting.

that's it.

take care y'all.

signing off, commonjack.

'good person'

i am not a good person.



this is a train of thought that's been pulling at my insides lately. and i decided to blog it. i lay no claim to being a good person. i used to think that i was at some point of my life but now i dare not lay claim to such a label. i am no different from the next guy. i do not 'know' any better.

i just try my best to do the 'right' thing. that doesn't necessarily mean that it shows though. me saying that, "i try my best to do the right thing", are merely words. and to some people, who have been witness to my attempts may attest to the validity of such words. however, it may be fair to say that those who have been privy to such attempts are truly in their minority.

thus far, i've had my share of mistakes. i've wronged my fair share of people. i have also wronged myself. some of these negatives i greatly regret. others, i feel - are matters of inevitable consequence. i truly feel that some of the 'wrongs' i've committed were wholly unavoidable. some of those 'wrongs' HAD to happen. call it fate - call it any bloody thing you want. to me, it's because at that given time the 'wrong' was committed, given my personal circumstance as well as the other person plus the conditions surrounding the 'wrong' - there was no other way to go BUT the 'wrong' way.

they say 'you always have a choice' and i'd agree, but the choice available to me at the time of the 'wrongs' were not to fix the situation but only to delay the inevitable or to just let the inevitable happen. and since i am a person who would prefer to have things 'cut and dry' - if at all possible - i opted to just let the inevitable happen.

i have failed in my efforts to garner the only mantle of 'greatness' i thought was available to me; ie to be a 'good person'. i always figured, in my journey to attain such a status, in life i would probably 'NOT' be many things ... but at least no one can say that i was NOT a good person. at least, after all was said and done, i would always have that with me.

alas, i suppose that is not to be. for i am NOT a good person.

but i just try my very best to do the 'right' thing. i still do. and will always try - especially with matters and people that matter. i do *try. does that make me a 'good person'? i don't know.

oh well.

the case of a glorious night.

last night, my acting class with Joe Hasham was officially concluded. you may remember me mentioning my involvement with this class in 'the acting saga continues'.

anyway, last night was the culmination of the class - we (myself and my fellow 'actors') basically put on a 'presentation'. it wasn't a play. it wasn't a show. it was a 'presentation'.

what we presented was what we have been working on throughout the course of 10 weeks (slightly more actually - but it generally comes up to 10 classes lah).

here is the program for the night.

8 - 8.30 pm: Arrival of guests made up of friends and family.

8.30 - 9.15 pm: The Presentation:- which was made up of ...

1stly, 'Dear Bosie'. this is our interpretation of a 30,000 word letter that the famous Oscar Wilde to his lover, Alfred Douglas whose nickname was, 'Bosie'. of course, the letter we used was an abbreviated version of the original. it's quite difficult to explain what we did, but what we basically tried to do was to convey the letter to the audience with musical accompaniment (i played the guitar - Sheryl Crow's 'Strong Enough' was the music i chose to play) and *appearances (more on this later) so that the audience can 'feel' how Oscar must have felt when he wrote the letter. Or at least, our interpretation of how he might have felt from the extracts of the letter which we presented.

for more info on this whole Oscar Wilde and Bosie ... you may go to http://drake.marin.k12.ca.us/stuwork/comacad/poets/WILDE/bio.html OR this one for more a more detailed explanation: http://members.tripod.com/Barry_Stone/wilde.htm.

so through the Dear Bosie presentation, our aim as a group was to convey the emotions of Sadness, Anger, Disappointment, Love and Closure. once again, this was done via reading the letter aloud with music and appearances.

2ndly, we then performed our very own personal monologues. there are 13 of us and each of us basically related a personal story which has impacted our lives. here, as an audience, you would have been privy to moments of pure and unadulterated truth. some very private and revealing stuff were talked about and shared. through this exercise, we (as students) learned how to express ourselves or more importantly, learned not to be afraid of expressing ourselves.

3rdly, we each did *appearances. this is an exercise where a person would walk out to center stage and using only the body ... from facial expression to posing ... that person would want to convey an emotion.

each of us had the difficult task of conveying 4 emotions ie LOVE, ANGER, SORROW and LUST. this is a difficult exercise, even for seasoned theater performers simply because it's a full and complete exposure of one's self to a bunch of people. and you'd be amazed at what you can discover about someone when that person attempts to 'appear' in front of you as LOVE, ANGER, SORROW and especially LUST. you'd be able to see if someone is insecure about his or herself with any one of those emotions.

4thly, we presented some smaller group skits. there are basically 2 scripts with the same words and we were split into 5 groups. and these scripts, if read directly on paper, in which you are not given any type of context in which there words are supposed to be used - literally mean NOTHING. it was up to us as actors to use our creativity to invent scenarios and give meaning to the words. and i suppose the shock factor here was how different each group interpreted the same words and how absolutely different each scenario was.

and that was it. all in all, i would say it was a good presentation. nothing flashy. just honest, down to earth and cosy. no hamming it up for the crowd. it was more about us than trying to cater to the masses and that was the 'cool' factor about it.

oh well, on a more personal note - the only downer for me was that i really didn't have someone to share the glorious night with. it shouldn't be like that. it should be about self satisfaction and all that jazz right? yeah, but i guess i'm not that self sufficient. i guess for me to feel truly satisfied with something, i need to be able to share my success with someone. and i'm not just talking about a lover...friends to share in with would be ultra cool too, family...you know somebody...

so that when i come home after a glorious night and after i take my shower and get ready to go to bed, i won't wake up the next morning feeling as if 'nothing happened'.

oh well, it was a good night.