I was so nervous.

wow. yesterday, i went for an audition - for a musical. yes folks, i did indeed say 'musical'. and i couldn't have done worse for an audition if i tried!

first of all, i was so nervous - my lips were trembling. my stomache felt empty, light and airy (is this what they mean by 'butterflies in the stomache'?), i was quivering slightly (but just enough to make me feel like i'm not in control of my body and voice) ... it was like food poisoning without the puking!

i've neever been that nervous in my entire life. i've been more scared than that. i've been more excited that that. but i think yesterday was the 1st time i've ever felt truly nervous. either that, or i've achieved a new level of nervousness i never thought i'd ever reach!

basically, i went in - met a panel of about 7 or 8 people. amongst them, some of the most notable people in m'sian theatre (i'm not going to drop names at this point). said my "hello-s' and was told, "Ok, Michael. Just sing for us. I don't even want to know what the song is."

and i sang, "I Could Have Danced All Night". or - i think it'd be more apt to say that i 'attempted' to sing it. it was so bad. i was forgetting the lyrics. my lips were still trembling. i didn't know what to do with my hands. i didn't know where to look (eye contact or close my eyes or look at the ceiling or the floor? what where who how???!!!) and i was told to stop before i could finish it. i must have looked like one of those seriously bad people who try to go for those IDOL try-outs.

then i was asked, "Michael, what were you singing?" the answer stumbled out of my mouth, myself feeling like i was in way over my head feeling quite foolish for even thinking that i could sing that song and then i was asked, "Who told you to sing that?" clearly, he knew it wasn't my idea to sing it. once again, the answer stumbled out and i asked, "Could I maybe sing something I'm more comfortable with?"

the resounding reply was, "YES!"

feeling a lot more relieved that i didn't have to try and sing some musical piece. i sang Bon Jovi's "Bang A Drum". i was still shaking, but my lips weren't trembling this time around. i made it through the 1st verse and finished the 1st chorus before a hand wsa put up to indicate "that's good enough". personally, i felt like i could have delivered the song a lot better than i did - but i suppose i did adequately.

however, i was still a nervous wreck. then came the dreaded 'range testing'. i went next to the piano. and tried desperately to follow the "la La LA la la..." going terribly off key. off the note. off everything! (*i'm admittedly quite tone deaf and am only comfortable hitting notes on my guitar. put me next to a piano - and everything goes to shit for some reason!) the best i could do was that i actually hit ONE note but on a different KEY! sigh... *hangs head in shame.

then came the dancing bit. the choreographer came out and said, "Do you dance?"

"Er, besides what I used to do in school with friends ie looking at MTV clips and following what they did ... and the occassional clubbing ... nope."

nodding her head, she told me to try and follow her. the 1st particular move was simple enough. there was a huge mirror for in front of us. and i just kept looking at her and did the move - even adding my own little 'flavour' to it. then i tried to make myself look more convincing by taking my eyes off her and just look straight forward and she picked up the pace and i almost immediately screwed up of course! - but i focused my eyes on her again and managed to follow.

then music came on. and i was asked to walk like i was walking in the rain - (as in performing wise - the mental picture i got from her demonstrating it was like some ballet thing...hands gracefully moving and elegant steps making use of the space available, eyes up to the imaginary sky moving to the flow of the music...) needless to say, i felt weird doing it. i need to get into a certain frame of mind to pull something like that off, and i believe i was getting into it...kinda...before i was told to stop and center myself again. then she started doing the simple move we started with ... this time with the music. and then she said, "Just do as I do ok?"

and the roller coaster ride began! there was a lot of elegant arm and hand movements ... the graceful twist of the body ... some soft leg movements ... and i had a real tough time following! i'm used to pulling some one handed somersault or the MC Hammer split (ie Hammer Time!) or some simple fancy footwork ... this was more ballet-ish stuff and i felt like a kickboxer in tights. once again feeling like i was way out of my league!

then it finally ended. as i left the floor and went back to the chair to face down the panel ..., "OK Michael. Lets get your schedule sorted out. We start rehearsals May 1st..."

"Er, I've got exams till June 9th."

"Really AH? Well then - (he writes down under comments in my form in big BIG Letters - NOT AVAILABLE) Cannot la Michael. You need to learn the songs and dancing. June 9th is too late."

feeling even more foolish, "Yes, I understand. I was just trying my luck. Didn't mean to waste your time."

"No, no. It's good that you came. At least now you have a lesson learned. Next time sing something you're comfortable with. And since you're more comfortable with your guitar ... bring it along next time...ok?"

so it ended with the shaking of hands and hugs - and i walked out of the audition space feeling like a complete *idiot.

the positive person in me still wonders (if i could have accomodated the rehearsal schedule) whether i would have been casted in this musical...for any role really. but the realist in me steps over my positive side and towers above it and says, "With an audition like that?! Hell no!"

oh well. good thing i'm a stubborn mutha too. i'll try again. the next chance i get.



on an entirely separate note ... go this site - HOMECOMING - the play. it's about 2 days from opening night. looks like a good one. so go get your tickets quick!