soldier.

it's 3.50 am. merry Xmas.

if you think about it, you would envy the life of a soldier. really.

basically, a soldier gets sent to boot camp. he goes through basic training. his sole purpose is to train himself to be the best he can be. eliminate weakness as best he can and exploit his own talents to his own advantage. the best ones get chosen to lead. the rest follow.

when he gets out of boot camp and begins his 'service' - if there's a war - he'll be sent to wherever the war is at. this is where the training is put to practical use. in a war, if you don't overcome your own weaknesses - you die. however, if you do overcome, conquer and rise above your weaknesses and become a better soldier - you get promoted in the ranks.

at the end of your 'service' - assuming you survive all the wars and politics. you retire. you take it easy. you reflect. and then you rest in peace.

that's life isn't it? in a nutshell - that's life.

but lets take this metaphor a step further.

lets take a 'soldier' and a 'politician'.

the soldier's life is the one i would want. your purpose is simpler. the BIG plan is up to the politicians. as a soldier, i carry out all my orders to the best of my abilities provided the basic principle of why i became a soldier is kept in view.

meaning to say - using the 'soldier' metaphor. if i became a soldier because i want to serve my country. because i want to protect my home. because i want to rid the world of tyranny. as long as the orders i am given are in line with objectives like that. i will follow. if something is 50/50 - i carry my orders out cause as a soldier - that is what i signed up for.

BUT - i believe in the notion of an IDEALISTIC soldier. if at the end of the day, all my orders did not lead to any of my objectives. that is when i will put a stop to the bad orders. or just not carry them out anymore.

but it's easy to say that by doing that - i am promoting terrorism innit?

there's no easy way to describe what i'm trying to articulate here or possibly i lack the level of articulation required at this point.

but lemme attempt to do so - if you know the movie GLADIATOR. MAXIMUS, the character played by Russel Crowe. that is the soldier i aspire to be. a leader among soldiers. none of the politics. no bullshit. he served ROME because he believed in what ROME was trying to do. ROME wanted to unite the world in all its differences to become one. he believed ROME strived for greatness and wanted to share that greatness with the world.

in doing so, he believed he helped make the world a better place. it made the world a better place for his child. for his wife. for his family. for everyone's child, wife and family.

and if he did his job well. if he executed orders efficiently. then he could go home to his family safe in the knowledge that the world is a better place. he didn't NEED to be the leader. if there was someone more qualified and willing to take the helm - he would be willing to let that other take leadership. he became the leader because he was confident in himself and he was sure that he could do it. not out of ego. it was just belief.

he became a leader amongst soldiers because he himself was a soldier and he knew what the other soldiers wanted. and he stayed their leader for as long as they had faith in him. as he had faith in himself.

that's it. i am a simple man. i just want to go to boot camp. i just want to train myself to become a better man. the best that i can be. if i am good, i will be recognised for it without asking for the recognition. i wish to graduate out to the world and put my training to practical use. and climb ranks. and not die. but rise above and continually learn to become a better man. i seek to be a leader among soldiers. i want to have faith in myself. and hopefully, it'll all fall into place.

i am no politician. i am soldier.

that's it.

sigining off, the common jack amongst the kings and queens.

pray tell...

it's 3.30 am. i'm not asleep yet.

here's some stuff i've read but never really 'got' ie 'understood' lah. but i thought they were quite cool nevertheless. so, if you have any ideas. please, pray tell...

1st one:
one describes a tale best by telling the tale. you see? the way one describes a story, to oneself or to the world, is by telling the story. it is a balancing act and a dream.
the more accurate the map, the more it resembles the territory.
the most accurate map possible would be the territory, and thuswould be perfectly accurate and perfectly useless.

the tale is the map and that is the territory.
you must remember this.

so what was that about? :)

2nd one: i understand this one lah - but i thought i'd share it with ya...
people are in the dark, they don't know what to do,
i had a little lantern, oh but it got blown out too.
i'm reaching out my hand. i hope you are too.
i just want to be in the dark with you.
- George Brown, "In the Dark"

you know anyone you'd like to be in the dark with? :)

3rd one:
he said the dead had souls, but when i asked him how that could be - i thought the dead were souls, he broke my trance.
don't that make you suspicious that there's something the dead are keeping back?
yes, there's something the dead are keeping back.
- Robert Frost, "Two Witches".

i guess this one is pretty self explanatory but i can't help thinking that i'm missing something from this. :)

anyway, this is just me wasting some time lah.

btw, these 'quotes' are taken from the book AMERICAN GODS. a good book.

later.

signing off, the common jack amongst the kings and queens.

Not so random thoughts.

it's 2.09 am.

the quickest way to kill a Miracle would be to ask it "why, when, who, where and how?"
by asking a Miracle any question - you are stepping on it, throwing it to the ground and with each question you'd be driving a wondrous gift of life farther into the ground.

as strong and miraculous a Miracle is - questions have a kryptonite effect and a Miracle can and will die.

it happens all the time. think about it, when something bad happens - one would immediately exclaim, "WHY ME?" so perhaps it is only fair to say that when something good happens - one would ask, "why me?"

however, there are many things that we have no idea about in this world. that being said - it is perhaps prudent not to take things without question all the time. but then again, sometimes you can.

"like in the movies..."
another random thought.

i met a guy the other day. he was talking about how he knew he was in love. he had been dating her for a while. he got to know her. she got to know him. they got together. he knew he really liked her. and he guessed that she felt the same way. but he didn't know whether this was 'it'. whether this relationship would be something more than the rest he's had before.

however, one day, he was out with some of his friends. he wasn't planning on seeing his girlfriend on that day. but out of the blue - he sensed something and he turned around and he saw her(his girlfriend). she was with her own friends. as he watched her, everything else seemed to slowly fade into the background and time stood still. as she walked, oblivious to him looking at her, he noticed little details of her that he never really thought of before.

he couldn't seem to articulate the moment to me very well. he said the best way to describe it would be to say that it is like in the movies. when the guy sees the chick for the first time and everything moves in slow motion and the music plays in the background.

he told me that he didn't believe in love at first sight but now he does believe in truly seeing someone for the first time. and he 'saw' her. it never happened with anyone else before. and he doubt it will ever happen with anyone else. that's how he knew he was in love.

he said that he could just close his eyes and that moment could be replayed in his head.

sweet story eh? (either that - or you'd be thinking that it's a load of crap lah.)

but i gave it the benefit of a doubt. i thought about it myself. has it ever happened to me before? and i thought to myself - "hey, i think it did happen to me once." so maybe it's not all bullshit. :)

well, enough random thoughts lah. laters.

signing off, the common jack amongst the kings and queens.

the BIG picture.

it's 3.18 am. people tend to miss the BIG picture. the dream. the whole point of doing something, everything and anything! the BIG picture. we sometimes totally miss it, even when it is on fire and there's a big frame encompassing it painted in bright colours.

it's sad but true. we have a wide peripheral vision but there are blind spots and we are most definitely missing out sometimes.

i don't claim to be a man who gets it all the time. but i do indeed dare say that i endeavour not to miss it to the best of my abilities. after all, that's all we can do. many times in life, shit will happen. and because of that, some people just lose it. and totally lose sight of the 'bigger picture'.

i totally agree that some f*ck-ups are irreparable and that sometimes the bigger picture can be lost. however, i do not believe that the bigger picture is something that is so easily shaken. many times, the bigger picture is still there despite all of the f*ck-ups. and it is still attainable but people don't see it. they miss it. and it all becomes one big cluster of a shit situation.

see - when shit happens - as it will most definitely -(life i s realistically depressing in that sense)- then as far as i can tell, there's only one thing to do then. that is to make the best out of a bad situation. and i truly believe that more often than not, the big picture will still materialise. perhaps not in the way one would have expected but it will happen.

if i was being truly positive here, i would even go as far as to say that the BIG picture is always there. no matter what happens. it's always there. even if you keep screwing up. it's a mantle that will forever be raised above the water, above the chaos and it will survive even armaggeddon.

but let's be real here. there are lots of BIG pictures out there. and sometimes - when something really shitty happens. the BIG picture's gone and you might not even remember what it looked like in the 1st place. take for instance if X was in love with Y. and the BIG picture for X was always that he would fall in love with Y. he would marry her. he would love her with all his heart. he would stay alive for as long as he could just so that he could spend one more night holding her as they slept. this was the BIG picture for him.

this BIG picture can die. it can fall off its mantle. it can drown in the flood. if Y were to simply say that she didn't love him and that she never would.

i'm sure there are many other types of examples. but let me stick to my guns here and say that it takes a lot to kill off the BIG picture most of the time. always try to make the best out of a bad situation. life's too short not to. and if you think you're gonna live forever, well then it simply makes more sense to make the best out of a bad situation rather than to react badly to an already bad situation.

open your eyes. look at the BIG picture.

signing off, the common jack amongst the kings and queens.

*Shock!*, *Horror!*...

it's 5.50 pm. today, i've decided to write something very much UNlike the rest of my previous blog entrie on my older blog site and this one.

this entry may indeed induce some of you into a state of "*Shock!*, *Horror!*...". thus, read on at your on risk.

GUYs, please your woman. really. it'll be good for her and it'll be good for you. the best gift is a gift you give to another. (check it out, selfless me.) the following will be an extract from an article that came across my path just a few days ago...(note: this is for the guys...) ladies, you may of course read this and agree or disagree. :) *i suspect this entry may raise some eyebrows.*

guys,

think 'erotic massage'.

think of it as a 'sensual gift' rather than foreplay which, from wht i hear, most women complain that men know next to nothing about oR if they do know OF it - don't seem to practice it enough.

the following techniques (apparently - according to wht i read), work best if 'she' lies back with ther legs apart and 'you'(the guy) kneel in btwn them. put pillows under her knees and let her legs open naturally.

have massage oil and water based lubricant within reach. (they may come in useful...) but noTe, don't use oil on the genitals as it may alter the delicate balance of the vagina and cause thrush. (interesting eh? lol)

strokin' the thighs:
performed 1st, the aim of this technique is to let her vagina lubricate and open - like encouraging a flower bud to blossom...(what a metaphor eh? lol - stolen fr the article i'm readin' - i'm not thT creative.)
1. alternating btwn your palms and fingertips, brush the inside of her thights. start at the ankles, brushing over her genitals, then move to her breasts, circling around them. repeat several times!
2. stroke her pubic hair and genital area using soft , gentle motinos. use your fingers to gently stroke her outer labia, keeping a consistent rhythm. don't start stimulating the inner labia(vaginal lips) until the outer labia is open.

in other words - go slow lah.

awakening the clitoris:
aim is to massage and warm the entire genital area, *awakening* the clitoris and encouraging natural lubrication.
1. lie next to her or kneel btwn her legs - using the knuckles of your 1st 2 fingers, knead the outer labia lips, moving backwards and forwards. you're kneading, not pinching, and working downwards, massaging the whole labia with a firm but gentle pressure.
2. move down towards the anus, then start at the top again. you can use your thumb and index finger if that feels more comfortable.

the 2 finger stroke:
this technique is the easiert and simplest way to give her pleasure.
1. rest your thumb and index finger at the top of her vagina(the end where the clitoris is). rotate your fingers around the rop of the clitoris(still covered by its protective hood at this point - bet some of you fellas didn't know there was a protective hood to begin with eh? lol), then move your fingers downwards. massage and roll evenly, rubbing up and down on either side of the vagina and settling into an even rhythm.
2. gently caress the outer and inner labia with your fingertips, teasing them to open up. move the tips of your fingers in a circular motion, travelling around the inner lips before gently parting the labia.
3. once opened, the clitoris will reveal itself fr beneath the clitoral hood and become erect and prominent. she's readu for more direct clitoral stimulation when she opens her legs wider, pushes firmly against your hand or raises her pelvis off the bed.

rock around the clock:
it's useful to imagine a clock dial surrounding the vaginal area: the top being 12 o'clock and the lowest point being 6 o'clock.
1. using only the tip of your finger, slowly move around the clitoris in a circular motion, but nOT directly on it.
2. continue the circular motion down the length of her vagina, alternating with stroking and teasing withyour fingertips.
3. move back to the clitoris and circle directly over it with your fingertip. some women down't like direct clitoral stimulation, so check which area feels best when stimulated - using the clock as a guide.
4. try pulling the clitoris btwn the 2 fingers. it's not actually possible to get a grip of it, but the pulling motion feels sensational! (so the article says...)

AND finally, entering the garden:
this is a double action stroke that works on the G-spot and clitoris simultaneously to bring most women to orgasm.
1. insert 1(or 2) fingers into her well lubricated vagina, curving them around so you're working on the front wall(imagine you're aiming upwards to her stomach). hold your finger still for a few seconds - she may move against it, but don't apply pressure until she feels comfortable.
2. move into a "come here" motion, as if you're beckoning someone with your finger. the G-spot is roughly the size of a large pea and feels textured. when aroused, it fills with blood and becomes more sensitive. some women might find their 1st stimulation of the G-spot distinctly uncomfortable or they may feel like they're about to urinate(there's a direct nerve connection with the bladder). encourage her to relax into the sensation of the G-spot because the feeling will pass.
3. don't press hard constantly - a gentle, beckoning motion is usually far more 'pleasurable'. try a zig-zag motion across the clitoris or massage in and out so your fingers are passing over the G-spot without concentrating on it too directly.
4. with your other hand, "rock around the clock" circling the clitoris with your finger or thumb as she's about to orgasm.
5. some women like a flat-surfaced vibrator on their clitoris during G-spot stimulation.

AND that's it.

but above all, remember there's no right or wrong way to perform these techniques. it's not a cooking lesson; you don't need the above printed out in front of you to refer to! i think that might be quite a 'turn-off'. lol.

i believe the act of sex is not something that should be taboo. i believe it to be a wonderful, beautiful and magnificent experience and i don't mean that in a perverted way.

there's so much to say on this subject isn't there? but there's nothing that comes to mind right now that may be something any of us hasn't already heard 10 million times.

so there...

signing off, the common jack amongst the kings and queens.

I've got Issues.

it's 12.05 am. i have reached a conclusion.

i've got issues. big deal lah ... who hasn't? like i say at the top of this damn blog - "shit happens - tough - deal with it" - but i suppose i just feel like venting. and what is the damn blog for if i don't vent every once in a while eh? so i'm gonna vent.

i get moody every once in a while. big deal lah - who doesn't? and i'm not even gonna try and justify this - like i said - i'm venting. moody-ness hits me like a (thinking of a good metaphor) ... okok - rephrase: moody-ness is a little chunk of stone that's hanging on a very thin thread that's at the back of my mind. sometimes the thread gives way and falls deeper into my subconscious and i will find myself thinking about it even when i don't want to.

i get moody about not any 'one specific' thing in particular. when i get moody - it's because i'm depressed with the whole picture. (taking another stab at sounding profound here) my life feels like ball of yarn unravelling as each day goes by. some days - i have good days - i get my shit together and my yarn becomes slightly fuller again. i'm having fewer good days as of late.

"lisha" asked me about my poem i put up several days ago - "is the angst of YOU directed at anyone in particular?" - i didn't answer. i'll answer now; of course it is. and i'll leave you to guess who that person is. won't take a genius to figure it out. in fact - the nature of my some of my problems are so f*ckin classic & cliched that this very fact pisses me off more and drives me further down that road of moody-ness.

however, in a nutshell, i think i suddenly fall into pangs and pits of moody-ness because i'm starting to doubt myself. maybe i'm not such a hotshot. i've got something to prove to myself. and the fact that expectations(of others) are riding on me proving to myself that i can do 'any-fukin-thing' i want - doesn't really help. so really - i have no room to doubt myself. i can't waste brain power and sleepless nights thinking about it.

i got to just bloody do it. or give up on some of the 'things' that i'm doing now.

classic case of passion and priorities. wouldn't it be nice to live in a world where those 2 "P" words meant the same thing? ("shit happens - tough - deal with it.") i hate it when my own life philosophies fly directly at my face.

life's too short to waste time and effort on things you're not passionate about - and life's too short for one not to finish off matters of priority either. so what is one left with? a freakin' epistemological void - is what it is. (could be wrong in usage of this BIG word - but you know what? - bite me.)

sometimes the pressure and moodyness hits me and affects me to the point where i end up not doing either well. and that shit's just bad. no excuses. which leaves me to a few conclusions actually...

1. i might have to give something up. (and i hate giving up on anything.)
2. i've got issues. (who doesn't?)
3. maybe i'm going at everything all wrong.

we'll see how this pans out as this little adventure moves further along.

later.

signing off, the common jack amongst the kings and queens.

Friends.

it's 12.10 pm. i figured i'd write something more hopeful or less depressing. :) so, this is dedicated to all my real friends out there (even if you never read this)...

sometimes, when you lose yourself. you wonder why would people want to associate with you. heck even you yourself don't feel like associating with yourself.

it is times like that when the classic stuff happens - like drinking yourself silly hoping to forget yourself for a while. or you go ahead and do something crazy to get that adrenaline rush just to take your mind off things. some people resort to drugs. personally, i like to go running or playing some form of sport.

i used to run when i was really stressed out. jog. sprint. till i couldn't do it anymore. then i would come home. upon reaching home, if i still find that i have some more energy left - i'd do push ups, sit ups, etc... just to really tire myself out so that i'd be too tired to even think. so that the first thing that comes to mind would be the most practical solution to whatever that was stressing me out. 'cause i'd be too tired to think about doing other 'useless' things. well - it works for me.

these days, i get to go for kickboxing to release that stress. that helps.

anyway, getting back to the subject at hand. at the end of the day, good company of people i'm comfortable with and whom are loyal to me really helps to cap off the whole road to recovery. among other things, that's what friends are for.

i mean, when i'm having problems and i don't even feel like associating with myself - it helps when my friends still want to associate with me. :)

but when you're really down - you get to a point when you think you don't deserve the friends you have. and you might be right. however, here's the thing, friendships don't just happen in a blink of an eye. although it feels like that's the way it happens sometimes. friendships is a form of relationship that develops. it's a living organism. it has a life of its own. it grows and dies and is reborn sometimes. it changes and transforms. with some people, you don't need that much time for all these things to happen whilst with others - it takes time. you know how it is - sometimes you've known this one person for years and 5 years later - you find yourself closer to that one person(out of the blue). it happens.

my point is- even you feel you don't deserve the friendship of such wonderful people because the part of you (that you believe that person made friends with) has changed - it doesn't matter. you already have it (the friendship).

i just heard this line today, "It doesn't matter how we got here; we're already here."

in other words, sometimes, it doesn't matter why or how 2 people become friends in the first place - so even if something in you has changed - regardless - if a bond is strong - then the friendship will grow or transform into something else (for better or for worse).

it won't die.

signing off, the common jack amongst the kings and queens.

Acting & Writing.

it's 2.35 am. once, quite a while ago, i tried to explain what it is i like about acting and writing. this is a lame attempt at trying to articulate this fascination i have with acting and writing. but for now, it'll have to do. here it is...

ACTING and WRITING.
Take your worst fear, your worst insecurity, your worst fault or even you worst frailty. Take something so terribly heinous about yourself and share it. And you suddenly discover a whole other angle to something that used to be such a thorn in your heart and soul. It was something so bad that you would never share it with anyone and if things went your way, nobody would know about it and it will die and go to the grave with you. And it will be as if it never happened.
In fact, many people do get their way. If the dead could talk, I cannot even imagine the skeletons that might be unveiled in some closets.
That is what I love about acting and writing.
When I watch a good movie. Chances are, it is good for me because of the story and a story is sometimes only as good as the characters in it ie the people involved. One can always spin out a good story but if nobody cares about the people involved, the meaning would be lost.
The greatest moment for me would be if I could write and create a story or character, or act as a character sharing a deep and dark secret. Imagine if I had killed someone. Whether or not it was an accident is somewhat irrelevant. How would I react to it? If I could get away with it without anyone knowing, would I? What would the next person do?
If I lived out the rest of my life doing good in the society, like making millions of ringgit and giving it all back to the people who really needed it. but after 30 years of doing 'good', what if the news of the death resurfaces? How would I react to it? What would the next person do?
If you knew me and had been working side by side with me for the past 25 years, would your opinion of me change? What if you've been witness to all the wonderfully 'good little things' I've done over years as well? What would you think of me then?
Acting is to me a medium to allow questions like this to arise and be examined. Writing a story like that and being able to capture the reality of it would be a tremendous thing as well. The examination of people and how we all are the way we are is such an exciting and is wonderfully fascinating to me.
Take away the money, politics, religion, 'pop-culture', mass hysteria, jealousy, greed, bad manners, etc - all of which are mere products or 'scenarios' that are essentially inconsequential and take a good proper look at the 'people' involved. Things that basically serve to exploit and expose the 'ugliness' of human nature and realize that these things are part and parcel of what makes a human beautiful as well. The beauty of being human or perhaps a better word at this point would be the beauty of being a 'person'.
I am never much in tune with what is going on in politics whether it be my very own country, in school, college, university or even the office. What I see and can assess from all the situations mentioned coupled with the 'ugliness' of human behaviour is what I base my decisions and actions on. Sometimes when you least expect it, out of all the 'ugliness' something 'beautiful' is born.
Like a child born out of rape who eventually grows up and becomes someone who saves someones life 30 years later. Like a soldier risking his life in a 'meaningless' war (about politics) and saving or even sparing lives at the risk of his own. Think of the police officer who refused to take a bribe on one particular day and inspires a kid to become that type of police officer who 'never' takes bribes years later when he becomes a police officer himself.
All the 'little things' that lead to something bigger.
If I had an opportunity to act or write any of the above. It would be a wonderful experience.

and that's it.

signing off, the common jack amongst the kings and queens.

giving up.

it's 12.15pm. i wrote this a few days ago on my little organiser. i decided to post it up. so here it is...

Giving Up.
This must be the worst feeling in the world. What happens when you give up? You get angry. You feel useless. There are no more possibilities. It's over. That's all she wrote. And that's it.
When it gets to that stage, you will feel drained. There's nothing that's within reach. Everything is a million miles away and the first step just takes too much and you don't even feel like the effort to take that step is worth it.
You lose hope.
It must be the worst feeling in the world. I believe I get my strength from my stubborness. I am stubborn. I refuse to believe that things are the way they are and that's that. I refuse to just 'accept' things and be done with it. I don't impose this stubborness on others. But I've come to realise that being like that makes other people feel uncomfortable sometimes because they would naturally feel 'pressured' in a sense.
That can't be helped. People are going to feel the way they are going to feel. I just have to keep doing what I believe I should do.
I'd rather keep knocking my head against a 10 foot wall than to give up. If it's a lost cause - I cannot let that affect me. I must keep going. Because giving up cannot be an option.
There's this whole thing with me and changes that I've gone through. I don't feel as strong as I used to be. I don't feel like I can take on the world now. And I was wondering what the hell went wrong. Now I know.
I gave up.
Plain and simple. I gave on certain aspects of my life. I started to accept things the way they were although that wasn't the way they were supposed to be. There are things in life that have to be accepted the way the are. But some things turn into something entirely different. They become shadows of what they're supposed to be. And these are the things I refuse to accept. However, I have.
That's why I've changed. I gave up.
It's the worst f**king feeling in the world.

signing off, the common jack amongst the kings and queens.

You.

it's 2.45 am.

You recognise me for my flaws and my faults,
You judge me for what I have not done,
You pre-judge me for what I intend to do,

You say that I am inadequate,
You believe me to be not naturally inclined towards greatness,
You explain to me that I just don't get 'it',

You tell me that you do not need to know me,
You think that anything more that what you have given me is unecessary,
You call me foolish for being me,

You can now do whatever You want,
You have now told me the way You want it to be,
and I will give it to You, because I have had enough of You.

signing off, the common jack amongst the kings and queens.

When the Good go down.

it's 1.34 am. what happens when the good go down?

picture this - if life was a hill. at the top of hill is 'ultimate goodness' - what life should be like - the Utopia. and at the bottom of the hill - well - is the other end of the spectrum lah.

the bigger they are, the harder they fall. so it is said. in that same vein, the more 'good' one is - the harder the fall will be. it's a vicious cycle. you can try your best and do whatever you can. you could even be successful at it. and climb up that long steep hill. inch by inch. clawing for everything and getting it.

but when the 'good' f*ck up. all the clawing in the world won't help because there isn't any branches to grab on to on this hill. when you fall - you fall. and sometimes you slide down so far ... you forget where it was you were at before.

sometimes, you slide off the hill and fall down into an abyss with no light. if you're lucky, when you get up and open your eyes, you see the light and crawl back out again. however, there are times you fall so hard - you can't open your eyes anymore. or you might fall on to a spot that's so dark that no matter what you do - you just can't see the light anymore.

how do you crawl out of that?

what happens when the good go down?

i tell you what happens. it'll be a waste. it'll mean that people who need to be touched by 'goodness' might/will never experience it.

so - shame on you. shame on you if you made a good person fall. 'cause when the good go down - sometimes there's no coming back up again.

signing off...the common jack amongst the kings and queens.

Take Risks.

it's 1 pm. take risks, life's more interesting that way.

in that sense, i suppose you can call me a gambler. don't get me wrong, i weigh the pros and cons of situations before taking risks. but sometimes - even if the cons outweigh the pros - i still jump into the lake with both feet without a float - hoping that even if things go sour and turn out pear shaped - that i'd be able to swim out back to land. that's me.

i take risks. most of the time, i do it because, life's just too short not to take them. sometimes, i take risks because the potential rewards would be too great to just miss out on without even giving it a chance. i take risks because i hate looking back and wondering - "fu*k, wonder what would have happenned if i did try it?"

i'm not perfect. life's not perfect. sometimes, i make the wrong decisions and take miscalculated risks on the spur of the moment. following my right brain. thinking about passion rather than reason. nevertheless, i commit. i commit to the rewards. i'll also commit to the possible scars. what doesn't kill me - will make me stronger or at the very least - make me a little wiser.

shit happens - tough - deal with it.

besides, what's the point of going through life without any sort of adversity. you'll just kinda float on by without actually 'doing' anything worth being satisfied about. it doesn't matter if your efforts go unnoticed by the world at large.

i think i've done a pretty decent job if when the day i die - one person will remember me for what i was and respected me for what i've done. and if that one person would live out his/her life with some of 'me' in mind or heart and passing that on to another. and that other would live out with that same some of 'me'...and goes on and on. then i'll never die.

heck some people don't even get that right? let's quote bon jovi here...

Each night I go to bed I pray the Lord my soul to keep No I ain't looking for forgiveness But before I'm six foot deep Lord,I got to ask a favor And I'll hope you'll understand 'Cause I've lived life to the fullest Let the boy die like a man Staring down the bullet Let me make my final stand Shot down in a blaze of glory Take me now but know the truth I'm going out in a blaze of glory Lord I never drew first But I drew first blood and I'm no one's son Call me young gun I'm a young gun

signing off, the common jack amongst the kings and queens...

FEAR.

it's 2.30 am.

time for me to get started with this damn blog again i suppose. :) was pretty bummed out when my last blogging site went bankrupt on me! wanted to charge me USD35 for stuff i wrote! damn.

anyway, i found that when i finally got my computer up and running again (i was having major probs) - i didn't have anything to write. so, being a person who hates blogging for 'nothing'. i decided to wait for inspiration to arrive! haha.

however, i figure i've left this place idle long enough. it is time for me to write something. as such, i've decided to pick up where i left off. prior to my previous blog site crashing - i posted a long ass post about what i FEAR. i shall now try to recreate the magic of that post...here. (don't hold your breath.)

everyone has a fear. this is true. a man/person who is not afraid of anything - really - then doesn't have anything. and it'd be nice to live a life unafraid of anything...but the pay-off doesn't seem worth it to me. to live a life and not have anything at all to show for it at the end...well - that'd be kinda sad. and don't misunderstand - i'm not talking about material things. i'm talking about stuff people want to be remembered for. and i don't know about you - i don't want to be remembered as the guy who had a cool car at one point in my life...do you?

to continue, what is it that i am afraid of then? my fear is not anything in particular - like heights, insects, etc. and i'm not that afraid of death. not really. but what i'm afraid of MOST is being a FRAUD.

i've strived most of my life to be a certain kind of person. that person is a person of high moral stature. and this standard is to be my own standard and not anyone else's. that means, for it to be of any worth at all - it'd have to be pretty high. :) i want to be a person with principles. i'd be a man who's stubborn enough to stand by those principles when necessary but open-minded enough to step aside and accept that change is the only constant. i want to be that guy who fights for the under-dog not for self glorification but because it is the right thing to do. i want to have within me the inherent qualities one normally attaches to Knights like honour, code, loyalty, courage, etc.

basically, i strive to be a good person. i'm not just saying this. i really do try to be, in every sense of the word, a 'good' person. i hate the phrase, "i'm only human". that's an excuse alright but not a strong one - in fact, in my books - it's not even worth saying. we were created imperfect, so when we f*ck up. we can say, "oh well, i'm only human." well...i don't like that shit and think that phrase should be outlawed. if you f*ck up - own up to it - face the heat - and don't do it again. but if you do f*ck up in the same fashion again - well - just don't say, "I'm only human" or any other variation of it for that matter. it annoys me. :)

so yeah. given all of the above. if at any point of my life, i wake up in the morning and look in the mirror and realise that in my attempt to achieve this 'fabled and elusive' standard of goodness - i've actually - in reality - not subscribed to it at all. then i'd feel - essentially - f*cked. in every sense of the word. because then - that would make me a FRAUD.

and that's what scares me. you can try really hard, everyday not to become something and then find that one day - you become exactly what you've been fighting against all your life. it happens all the freakin' time. you know, things like 'history repeating itself'? it happens all the friggin' time.

life is 'realistically depressing' in that sense sometimes.

sometime last year and a little bit of this year, i felt like i was a FRAUD. and it really affected me for a while. then, i realised, i may have strayed a bit. i may be lacking in some departments. but essentially, i'm still on that road. i'm still on that track that i want to be on. i'm heading in the right general direction. besides, if it were that easy to attain - then what's the point of me trying to achieve it.

i think the level of 'goodness' i'm trying to achieve is there for the taking for anyone and everyone. people just lack the dicipline and will power to gun for it. i figured - since i don't have brad pitt's good looks or einstein's brain - i'll gun for this mantle of 'goodness' - it's the only thing worth doing in this world to leave behind (left for me to do that is).

so, that's my fear. that's what i'm afraid of. my fear drives me, thrills me and can also kill me. right now, it's just driving me. so it can't all be bad thing then eh?

signing off - the common jack amongst the kings and queens...

i'm here now.

It's 3.30 am.

I'm having internet problems. My computer is all 'buggy' on me all of a sudden. And now, mblog is down! Thus, leading me back here. The above blog address is now obsolete. From now on, this will be my new blogging home.

Life and it trials...What a bitch.

Later.

i'm here now.

It's 3.30 am.

I'm having internet problems. My computer is all 'buggy' on me all of a sudden. And now, mblog is down! Thus, leading me back here. The above blog address is now obsolete. From now on, this will be my new blogging home.

Life and it trials...What a bitch.

Later.

I already have another blog elsewhere.

The only reason I signed up here is so that I can place 'comments' in another friend's blog over here.

So if you're bored and have nothing to do. You can mosey on over to my other blog at...

http://mblog.com/dilettante/

Ok then.

Dilettante.