A hiatus.

it's 3.49 am.

a hiatus is in order. things have come to a boiling point and is now slowly steaming away. normalcy seems to be a thing of a past. normal is now different. guess this is the way it's gonna be from now on. either get used to it and function or face the same failures of the past.

thus, a hiatus is in order. certain things - i have no room for right now. so, a hiatus for 'those things' for now. maybe for a long while. cause, once i take 'those things' away - and i start to think about it - everything else, i can handle. it's not easy. but i can handle. but as for 'those things' - i haven't figured out how to handle yet.

so, if i don't know where to go, stay put. something will come.

the word is ... 'hiatus'.

Signing off, the common jack.

Alexander C has left the country.

it's 2.25 am.

and so it comes to pass that Alexander C aka Alex aka the cutest baby in the world (beat) has left the country.

i've been so preoccupied with my own shit - i totally forgot about it.

i knew that my brother wanted to ship his baby(& wife of course) off to live with him in Singapore some time soon. and i even made a mental note of the date. so when i came home for dinner today to see my brother, his wife & baby Alex - i didn't realise that the occasion was to bid farewell (in a sense). i mean, it's not like i'll never see baby Alex again - since my brother does intend to eventually return here...but you know...this is long term. they're gonna be there for a while...and we're talking in terms of 'years' here...oh well...

the fact is, i've grown more attached to the little bugger than i knew. i mean check it out - this kid is the 1st of the next generation of my family. should the rest of us in the family never pro-create and just die - this kid will be the only proof to existence that we once walked the earth and had lives. real ones.

that's quite a big deal.

so much so that i feel the phrase, "i'm his uncle" or "he's my nephew", really doesn't cut it. these phrases mean so much more than they seem to connote.

maybe it's because i'm in such a 'fragile' state right now (because of all the shit i'm going through) - and call me a wuss if you wanna - when i realised that i would no longer have the luxury of just walking over to see little Alex anymore - i felt a shiver down my spine*. if i was any weaker than i am, i might have shed a tear or 2.
*you know that shiver you feel in your spine right before you feel like crying - when the tears are kinda building up? that's the shiver i am referring to.

now, i'd have to check my schedule, get my passport, get a bus ticket from pudu, take a 4 to 5 hour bus ride - go to another country OR just wait till my parents decide to drive down - if i want to see little Alex.

on MARCH 4th, little Alex will be celebrating his 1st year on earth. and as much as i'd like to go down and celebrate it with him - i don't think i'd be able to. he's just started showing signs of wanting to walk. i've seen him take 4 to 5 baby steps at most before collapsing. :) it looks like i'll most certainly not be around to see him walk around proper.

oh well - i guess that just means i have more of an excuse to get out of the house and country now.

i'll see you seen Alex.

signing off, the common jack.

and he goes down.

it's 12.35 am.

so this is what it feels like when you go down.

i don't know what to say. i don't know how to explain it. i space out every now and then in the middle of a crowd - even if the crowd is made out of very good friends of mine. i'm not really thinking about anything. i don't know...

i watched this movie a few weeks ago - called Garden State (good movie btw, you should catch it if you have the chance) - there was a part in the movie (might be a spoiler - this part - so don't read if you're one of those types - though what i'll say next won't really spoil the movie in essence for ya) - so anyway, there was this part in the movie where the main guy reveals something fr his past, like a deep dark secret and a period of silence followed. so the main chick (played by Natalie Portman) then asked him, "You're in it right now aren't you? ..." then she goes on to explain wht she means, "...it's like after you say something that's kinda big and deep, then your mind starts to wander off - thinking about it ... and my Mum used to say that that's when you're in it. And you're in it now aren't you?"

i guess that is one way to describe my state of mind now. i'm in it. and i haven't been able to snap out of it for a while now.

i think i've changed again. i've been permanently altered. my presensce isn't the same anymore. i had a drink with a friend the other day when i was feeling particularly low - and she could tell right off that there was something that was really bothering me.

i don't laugh as hard now. i don't feel as much now. it's numbness. melancholy is perhaps a good word to describe it.

oh well. i guess essentially its that i feel alone. but hey - like my brother says - we're all gonna be alone at some point in our lives. sometimes longer than is necessary - that's why we've gotta be comfortable with ourselves. is that my problem then? i'm not comfortable with myself?

it's hard to think in this state of mind. guess i'll just stop here.

signing off, the melancholy common jack.

Lets all say it together...

it's 7.09 pm.

come now, let us all say it together.

shit happens.

one more time! - shit happens.

all toghether now...nice and loud - SHIT HAPPENS!

it's an uncanny ability to have ie to be able to function when you feel like crap. i suppose there are different levels of crapness. and this is by far - one of the higher levels of crap that i've ever had to motherfukin take. so it's now a test of my strength.

the question is, "can i function through all this nonsense?"

at the moment, i don't feel a positive reaction to all the nonsense at all. i guess, for the moment at least, that answers the damn question.

signing off, the common jack amongst the kings and queens...

how you get to where i'm at.

it's 2.40 am.

i shall now proceed to tell ya 10 steps of how you get to where i'm at. (brace yourselves, this'll be a long one.)

1. you start off with good intentions. no real BIG ambitions per se. you just want to do good for yourself as well as others. having no real idea how to go about doing this, you decide to use 'doing the right thing' as a guide - striving for some form of idealistic way of life. the utopian ideals being the highest of the standard being strived for.

2. as you go along - fall in love. fall in love truly and inexplicably. i shall call this 'pure blind love' aka PBL. you know how some people can explain why it is they've fallen in love with someone? well, when you're dealing with PBL, there's no explanation. there's no rational explanation to why you would be willing to do absolutely everything for this person you've fallen in PBL for. there is nothing you can say to justify all the feelings you feel for this other person. it's inexplicable. it just 'is'.

this is where when if one person were to ask you why you're in love with this girl - you would say - "i don't know why. i just do." - and then (you might not realise it at the time) - this PBL has actually provided you with an energy that'll continue to flow within you for the rest of your life. it'll continue to inspire you. it'll continue to feed you. it'll be a part of you. anyone who knows you well enough will know that there's this energy in you. that's what PBL does to you - like a permanent aspect of you that has changed you forever.

3. afterwards, you realise that even PBL can be unrequited for whatever reasons. the person you feel PBL for doesn't feel the same. it's ok. life goes on. armed with the energy PBL has given you - you feel that you have an edge on life or at the very least feel that you'll be ok. whatever happens - you'll be ok.

4. so, now you focus on what to do with your life. finding something you enjoy, tryin to identify what makes you tick. you try a few things. look into a few other things. then try to make the most 'rational' and reasonable choice. hoping that if something is rational and totally reasonable - then you can't go wrong right? WRONG. (there's no such thing as something that can't go wrong. everything can go wrong. it's the nature of life. - like i always say - shit happens, deal with it.)

5. but havin made that decision, you stick to your guns and look to it as a means to an end. just do whatever you can and get it over with. but being earnest and filled with good intentions - you make an attempt to do the best you can.

6. however, you then lose the motivation. you lose concentration. you lose the will to stay in it. this is where you realise that something has gone WRONG and you get all f**ked up about it. you totally lose it. and you fail.

a period of 'lostness' follows. but eventually you claw your way back to wanting to just get it over with. and thus, you start all over again.

7. in starting all over again, you fall in love again. but it's different this time. this time, it's not PBL anymore. this time - it makes absolute complete sense. it just hits you like a tonne of bricks and you go, "shit! i cannot believe i didn't realise this earlier!...wow..."

the pieces of the puzzle all fall down in the right place. they form a perfect picture. it's beautiful.

8. then you realise that even something that makes complete sense - can go wrong. so you walk away with all these feelings. but knowing that that's as far as it'll go. that's it. you'll feel f**ked. but that's the way it is. after all - shit happens, tough - deal with it.

9. and then you proceed to watch everything else that you thought was stable and was your base fall and crumble into ruins. and realising that there is nothing you can really do about it but watch.

10. but then again, you find yourself still standing. you're still there. alone. but you're still there. you're not dead (not really). you're not really sure where you are - but you're not that lost either. it could be described as a state of limbo. but that makes it sound very cliched and maybe worse than it really is? i don't know. i'm not really sure.

you're basically left with this basic question, "so...what now?"
___________________________________________________________________

there it is. 10 steps to get to where i'm at. not very hard. it happens quite quickly actually. one day you wake up and it hits you and then you blink your eyes and shake your head and go, "fuck...so - what now?"

signing off, the common jack amongst the kings and queens...

Bad Day.

it's 5.30 pm.

it's been a bad day. i won't go on to disseminate what it is that went wrong today. because, i'm just not that type of blogger but also because 'nothing in particular' went wrong today. meaning to say, it's not that my computer went kaput, or that i had car problems, or that i had a fight with someone etc.

but it's been a bad day in the sense that when i woke up this morning - i didn't really expect anything to happen. good or bad. i suppose i was probably hoping on something good. but didn't really put much thought into it. then things in general have happened today (once again - nothing really specific) but nothing 'good' in that sense of the word - i guess a better way of putting it would be to say that nothing today has happened(thus far) that's naturally put a smile on my face.

so here i am - in the midst of menial household chores - feeling like crap.

this sucks. i'm out.

signing off, the common jack amongst the kings and queens...