Missy Higgins. what can i say?

it's 2.50 am. there isn't a single song on her "Sound of White" album that i do not like. all of them speak to me - from the lyrics to her piano and guitar and of course that sweet, raw voice. lurvely! just a little sample. it'd be nice to have someone say these words to me when i was going through that little rough patch i was going through not too long ago... oh well.





"Nightminds"

Just lay it all down. Put your face into my neck and let it fall out. I know I know I know. I knew before you got home. This world you're in now, It doesn't have to be alone, I'll get there somehow, 'cos I know I know I know When, even springtime feels cold.



But I will learn to breathe this ugliness you see, So we can both be there and we can both share the dark. And in our honesty, together we will rise, Out of our nightminds, and into the light At the end of the fight...



You were blessed by a different kind of inner view: it's all magnified. The highs would make you fly, and the lows make you want to die. And I was once there, hanging from that very ledge where you are standing. So I know I know I know, It's easier to let go.



But I will learn to breathe this ugliness you see, So we can both be there and we can both share the dark. And in our honesty, together we will rise out of our nightminds And into the light at the end of the fight.



...and in our honesty, together we will rise out of our nightminds And into the light... at the end of the fight...

signing off ... the commonjack.

the 4th sign of the zodiac

it's 1.53 pm.

CANCER. 22nd June to 22nd July.

origin: probably came from ancient Babylon.

glyph: the Cancer glyph apparently represents breasts (besides the oh-so-famous Crab) - the other image is that of two female breasts, which Cancer rules, showing that this is a sign that nurtures and protects others as well as itself. In ancient Egypt, Cancer was also represented by the scarab beetle, a symbol of regeneration and eternal life.

ruling planet: the Moon.

groupings: feminine, cardinal & water. (have no idea what this means.)

typical traits: the protective nature of the Cancerian is the overriding aspect of the character, but is tempered by a stubborn and often moody streak. although they tend to be of the worrying type, Cancerians have a remarkably good intuition, and their instinctive reactions and decisions can usually be relied upon. there is, however a changeability about Cancerians that manifests itself in several ways. they can rapidly adapy to pick up info, habits, etc, from others. it also means that they can be touchy and, like the crab, may be hiding a soft, easily hurt person beneath a seemingly hard shell.

family: the caring nature of Cancerians makes them excellent at building a home and good at forming longlasting partnerships. in general, Cancerians like to look back in preference to forwards and commonly stay in the same house for a long period of time(god - i don't really fancy this idea). a slightly negative aspect is that their protective nature can become excessive and turn into clinging, and they be touchy and occasionally snap for no apparent reason.

the sensitive almost retiring aspect of the character can be seen quite early in life, and this may continue to the point that they become very shy at school; they may hide behind a shell. it is commonly the case that Cancerians will eye new social contacts somewhat warily, keeping them at arm's length. however, when they get to know each other better, firm friendships can develop.

Cancerians usually like their extended family within a reasonable short disctance and are keen to help anyone who may need their support.

business: Cancerians can turn their hand to most things and their carefuly, intuitive apporach can make them successful. they tend to work well with people and often adopt the role of mediator, where diplomacy is required. the ecaring professions (for eg medicine) are obviously well matched to the Cancer character, but teaching may also be suitable. although business may prosper under a Cancerian, there is often a tendency, even a fear to change, which may show itself as inflexibility.

wider aspects: Cancerians are extremely sensitive, and while outwardly they appear charming and friendly, they can often be temperamental and subject to wide mood swings. in general, they love change and while travel appeals, home has the greatest attraction.

associations: colour - silver and pastel shades. flowers - white flowers, especially the rose, lily. gemstone - pearl. food - dairy foods and fish.
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Commentary:

i for one would like to 1st state that i am not much of 'zodiac' kind of a person. to me, you are who you are. generalisation of this sort is something that i don't really put too much stock into but i must admit that sometimes - it's interesting to read up a little on things like this.

so this is just for fun.

note: words highlighted in blue are descriptions that that i think are kinda on the ball. the red highlight however, are stuff that i don't really agree or mostly i think are kinda on the ball as well but are descriptions of which i dislike about myself. very general stuff lah on the whole.

in terms of the associations - food not really true (i ain't no fish person). with regards to the flowers (although i do not think of myself as much of a flower person to begin with) - white flowers do indeed sound more appealing me to me than any other flowers especially those specifically mentioned ie white roses or lilies - i can imagine myself liking. :)

anyway - feel free to leave a comment - related or not. i miss reading stuff from other people around here.

i better get back to 'not wasting my time' - later.

signing off - the commonjack.

Self Preservation.

it's 1.15 am.

Self-preservation (Self`-pres`er*va"tion) (?), n.
The preservation of one's self from destruction or injury.

'tis an interesting concept. something i've not been practicing all that much. let's give it a moment here.

in order to preserve one's self - one should go easy. then one would limit one's own 'wear and tear' and therefore last longer.

which reminds me, there's this character in CATCH-22 who says that he knows the secret of how to live longer. as we all know, time seems to go by slower when you're bored as hell right? so, this guy tries his level best to indulge himself in exceptionally boring activities to maximize every minute, every second of the day... (just thought i'd share that with ya.)

in accordance to going easy - one should also avoid shit that can cause harm to one's self. hurt in any kind of way would just wear one down. if you think about it, the only way to do this properly is to steer clear of things/matters that bear a good risk of any such negative occurrence. be safe.

and so on and so forth.

however, i believe that i've been a little careless in that respect. i wouldn't go so far as to call myself a kamikaze sort of person. that'd be someone who'd be described as 'So reckless in behavior or actions as to be suicidal' ... although, admittedly, on certain matters - i suppose i tread a rather fine line.

why i do some of the things i do ... say some of the things i say ... reveal some of the secrets i reveal ... treat some of the people the way i treat them ... feel the way i feel ... sometimes baffles me.

for a moment today, i was seriously considering the idea of Self-Preservation. i actually considered cutting myself off from things/matters/people who bear the risk of causing me any kind of harm in any way shape or form. because, sometimes just thinking about all the ties i have formed over the years with things/matters/people who bear such risk may soon lead me to my own path of self destruction.

all the shit things that have been happenning to me over the past few months, could perhaps be attributed to all these ties. so, wouldn't it be a grand idea to just cut these ties off totally and be free of them? for sometimes i wonder, for all the time i spend thinking and all the effort i put in wishing/hoping and all the heart i give to these things/matters/people - do these things/matters/people have even an ounce of awareness of any of it? or the more scary question might be ... do they even care at all?

after all - i've always been told left, right & center that i'm too nice. and if i don't die as a result of some kinda accident or some natural cause - i'd probably die from being too damn nice. *laughs*(this might explain that recurring dream i have sometimes where i attend my own funeral and when people are asked what they thought of me - all they can say is ... "What do I think about him? ... er ... well ... he's ... how do you put it? ... what's the word? ... well - he's ... nice. Yeah. He's nice.")

thus, for that one moment today, i thought - Self-Preservation doesn't sound like such a bad idea.

then i wake up. that ain't no way to live life.

i do not regret any of the things i've done - i do not wish i can take back some of the things i've said regardless of whether it is a secret or not - i will not change the way i treat some of the people the way i treat them now or neither will i change the way i feel about anyone/anything ... for these things/matters/people mean so much to me. to do anything different or wish that i've done things differently would be an affront to these things/matters/people.

if i am to hurt - let me hurt. let the pain sear through me like a knife right through the very depths of my soul. should i live - make me stronger, wiser and better.

if i am to be happy - let me be happy like heaven's on earth. let the magic of life feed the blood in my veins. should i die - allow me the gift of life for myself and for all whom i love.

if i am to love - let me love simply and truly. let love be the compass that guides me through the maze of life and be the light to the darkness that is to come for sure. should i lose myself or find myself in the darkest of dark - give me the strength of love to rise above it all.

Self-preservation ; hah. what a stupid idea.

signing off ... the commonjack.

i ain't no fighter.

it's 1 am.

i've finally gotten the nerve to start sparring with the big boys now.

see, i've been a kickboxing instructor for about 6 months now. before this, i could never build up the nerve to join the sparring sessions. i just couldn't imagine myself in a ring 'going at it' and just going in for the kill kind of a thing you know?

my whole life, physical fights was never an option - not because i was scared but because i always believed that something like that should be avoided as far as possible. at one point in time, i believed that one can never have a 'good reason' to actually fight with someone. however, now i understand that sometimes - you gotta. but i'm talking about very extreme situations here.

i've managed to go through my whole life thus far without ever having to fist-fight someone.

at any rate, i still wanna learn how to defend myself. i used to think that push come to shove - if someone were attacking me and i had nowhere to run - i'd be able to defend myself. since i started kickboxing - that confidence increased even more.

but i was rudely awakened the 1st time i went into the ring. i couldn't even bring myself to hit the other guy properly. and when he attacked me - it took me a while before i could react properly. and as a result, i was very apprehensive - throwing my punches all wrong - off the mark with my kicks. it was horrendous.

1st time:
was up against a local champion fighter - KUMAR fights in the 70kg's and above weight division. at 1st, he told me to attack him and he'll just defend. 2 minute rounds. so the 1st round and most of the 2nd round he just defended himself. by the last 30 secs of the 2nd round - the head instructor told him - "OK, fight back but control your power."

he started punching me - and they were hard. i blocked the punches but then he gave me a sidekick right into the solar plexus. i was down on the ground and i couldn't breathe for 5 secs. that was the end of the night for me.

2nd time:
was alright but i was very stiff and still had no idea what to do. apprehensive and couldn't bring myself to hit my opponent. not properly. apparently my punches were better but i couldn't bring myself to kick someone proper. as a result, i went home with bruises here and there but i hardly touched anyone! (at least i didn't feel so bad this time though.)

3rd time:
this time - i had more confidence. i hit my opponents but still found it difficult to take hits and counter attack. when i saw someone come at me - i kinda freeze for a split sec before i react. and as a result i don't protect myself fully proper. i get a few hits and block the rest and catch my breath before i attacked back when i was supposed to conserve energy as my opponent attacks me so that i can counter back the moment he stops.

i did get hit on a 'dead spot'. there are a few parts on your body that are called dead spots meaning if you were to get hit there - your muscle in that area would spasm and it'll hurt like a mutha. and you wouldn't be able to move. i had to be helped out of the ring and had to sit out for 5 mins before the pain went away again. oh well...

4th time: (my most recent)
i put up the best fights i've ever put up. i was confident. i planned ahead what 'moves' i wanted to execute and i executed them. there were like 10 people signed up for sparring that night and everyone had to have at least one round against everyone else. at 2 mins each round - that totals up to about 20 mins of fighting. it may not sound like a lot - but even 2 mins of full out and out fighting takes a lot out of ya!

6 ppl were made up of seniors and 4 ppl were made up of 1st timers at sparring. i put up good fights with the 5 other seniors and i was bitch tired at the end of it. i took a few shots on my left rib - it was feeling rather sore. when it came to the 4 newbies - i was so tired - i was fighting them like a beginner! i got a few good shots in but for some reason the newbies all hit me right at the same spot ie my left rib! i must have got kicked at least 15 times at the same spot that night.

when i got out of the ring and took out my mouth guard and removed my head gear ... and breathed in properly ... my rib was really feeling it. it really hurt. oh well...

there's a nice little bruise there right now. but it's healing up rather nicely.

conclusion is, my learning curve with this sparring thing is a little slow...but i'm getting there. admittedly, i ain't no fighter. but you know what? i'm looking forward to my next session... :D

signing off, the commonjack.

i've been tamed.

it's 4.30 pm.

as with tradition, everytime i am supposed to be studying - i get all sorts of ideas to do other
things. and i end up doing all those things till i completely run out of ideas and then there'd
be nothing left to do but study. and that's when i get my best studying then cause there's no
more restless energy keeping me distracted. so in a sense, this is a good thing. (Yeah, right...)

anyway, i've been doing a lot of reading lately (another tradition - ie when i'm supposed to be
studying i suddenly have this huge urge to pick up books i've been meaning to read for a long
time...) and one of the books i've picked up is THE LITTLE PRINCE by ANTOINE DE SAINT-EXUPERY.

this book was introduced to me by an old friend of mine with whom i've unfortunately lost contact with. her initials are C.E.L.

it's a children's book but it's oh so much more than say...PETER & JANE and the like. this book
has so many layers to it and yet it is written so simply that it begs the question, "What's the
big deal about being an adult? Kid's get the world a whole lot better than grown ups..."

anyway, it's about a LITTLE PRINCE who travels from planet to planet wanting to make new friends.

when he arrived on earth, he met a Fox. and he wanted to make friends with the Fox. this is how it basically goes...

F: i can't play with you because i am not tame.

P: oh, i'm sorry. but what does 'tame' mean?

F: it is something which is too often forgotten, it means '...to establish ties...'

P: '...to establish ties...'?

F: yes. to me, you are just a little boy like a hundred thousand other little boys. and i have no
need of you. just as you have no need of me for i am but a fox like a hundred thousand other
foxes. but if you tame me, then we shall need each other. to me, you will be unique and i will be unique to you.

P: now i am beginning to understand...

F: my life is monotonous. i hunt chickens and men hunt me. all chickens are alike and all men are alike. so i get a little bored. but if you were to tame me, then my life would be so full of sunshine. i shall recognise the sound of a step different from all the others. the sound of other footsteps would send me scurrying into my burrow but the sound of your steps shall call me out of my burrow like the sound of music...

(the Fox remained silent for awhile...thinking about it...)

F: i beg of you...tame me!

P: willingly but i am afraid i have many friends to discover and many other things to understand.

F: one can only understand the things one tames. if you want a friend, then tame me!

P: what should i do?

F: you must be very patient ... first you will sit at a distance from me. just like this. i will watch
you from the corner of my eye. you shall not speak for words are a source of misunderstanding. but everyday, you can sit a little closer to me.

the next day, the little Prince returned.

F: you should come back at the same time. for eg, if you usually come back at 4. by 3, i would start feeling happy. by 4(if you're still not here), then i'd start feeling anxious, agitated and unhappy - i shall discover the price of happiness.

thus it was that the Fox was tamed by the little Prince. when the time came for the Prince to depart.

F: oh i shall cry!

P: it's your own fault. you wanted me to tame you!

F: indeed.

P: but you are going to cry!

F: that is so.

P: then i have not helped you in any way!

F: let me tell you a secret. it is only with one's heart that one can see clearly. what is essential is invisible to the eye. it is the time you spend on another that makes that person important. men have forgotten this basic truth - for what you have tamed, you become responsible forever. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

this is of course not taken verbatim. i hope i managed to capture the essence of it. it is a truly wonderful book. but this was one part that i didn't capture proper the 1st time i read it. upon reading the book again for the 2nd time - this part just stood out to me.

but the point is, i've been 'tamed'. there are ppl i've been tamed by who will forever be unique and special to me. if i should die without accomplishing a full life - it'll be ok as long as these few ppl who have tamed me recognise me as being unique to them as well. it's like leaving my mark here on earth in this existence.

i mean - what's the point of living if when you're gone - it'll be as if you weren't even around to begin with? it'd be like becoming a king of a land with no subjects to rule over and when you die, then the land is just there. and that's that.

oh well.

signing off, the commonjack.

MEET JOE BLACK.

it's 3.31 am. i'm on a roll tonight ... another entry!

the following is an extract from the movie MEET JOE BLACK (definitely one of my fav movies of all time!): (of course this is from memory so it's not verbatim - but the gist is there.)

JOE(Brad Pitt's character aka DEATH) - J & OTHER GUY(can't remember his name) _ OG...

J: allison loves you doesn't she? just like you love her.

OG: (nods his head)

J: how do you know? how do you know that allison loves you?

OG: well...it's cause she knows the worst thing about me and it's ok. she knows my deepest darkest secret and (beat) it's ok. she still loves me.

J: so...what's your deepest darkest secret?

OG: it's not any ONE thing in particular. it's an idea ... a concept...er, once you know the worst thing about someone, then you know almost everything there is to know about that person - and then you're free.

J: Free?

OG: Free to just love the other person without any inhibitions. it's just no holds barred, out and out pure love. no secrets ... no nothing ...you're free to love.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
that's an interesting way to look at it innit? when i think about it that way - then i've never really been loved before then. admittedly, i'm not sure if i've ever devulged a deep dark secret of mine to someone but that's because i don't really have one.

however, i have shown myself at my weakest to a 'select few' and i suppose that could be akin to devulging a deep dark secret to someone. thus, with reference to the above - that means i have 'loved' someone before.

but applying this same test, that means i've not really been loved in return. well, this is of course referring to 'some' of the people in the 'select few' class of people and it is indeed a small(very small) class made up of very, very few people.

Oh well, this is depressing.

signing off, the commonjack.

fleeting youth

it's 11.24 pm.

fleeting as the soft winds of the night that blow by with a whisper so slight,

you scarcely hear it pass you as it takes flight!
looking through memories stored in boxes made of cardboard resting also in the confines of my mind, i can still see vivid images of a life gone by, one that is still alive and is growing old with time,

letters read with words that seem to carry new meaning whilst there are others that remain unchanged, pictures left untaken come to life in my mind's eye and shall forever linger till i am to old to remember nor care,

old times revisited and old relations reexamined, some good some bad some stronger, whilst some have dwindled down to mere acquaintances,what was real ... what was so, so real at one point in life is now questioned for it has become a mere memory that harbours the fierce possibility of being forgotten,

now it is i standing here with thoughts of words that might have been spoken, memories that now might have already been forgotten, a life that might have been should things have been different, pondering if mistakes made were worthwhile, if righteous acts were truly noble or in reality just antics of a fool? a fool who should have known better...

age is no indicator of real age, youth can last beyond the age of 21, wisdom comes neither with age nor with time but with experiences in life, in that sense youth could just be a simple state of mind, one that is fragile that it will crack when it is dropped one to many times.

signing off, the commonjack.

Death is just a state of mind.

love more.

it's 12.35 am.

i've figured out something about myself.

you know the age old stupid question of, "would you rather be with someone who (a: you love more than she loves you?) or (b: loves you more than you could ever love her?)"

i guess if there's no real shocker here. i am choice (a).

however, in all fairness, i was never sure of that. now - i am. and man is that trait of mine killing me.

there's this latin phrase which i can't seem to remember right now - but it basically means "what feeds me also kills me" or something to that effect. i remember seeing it tattooed on angelina jolie. so if anyone knows the phrase - feel free - lemme know.

i guess that's it. i don't have anything thought provoking to say. so i'll leave it at this.

signing off, commonjack.