Self Preservation.

it's 1.15 am.

Self-preservation (Self`-pres`er*va"tion) (?), n.
The preservation of one's self from destruction or injury.

'tis an interesting concept. something i've not been practicing all that much. let's give it a moment here.

in order to preserve one's self - one should go easy. then one would limit one's own 'wear and tear' and therefore last longer.

which reminds me, there's this character in CATCH-22 who says that he knows the secret of how to live longer. as we all know, time seems to go by slower when you're bored as hell right? so, this guy tries his level best to indulge himself in exceptionally boring activities to maximize every minute, every second of the day... (just thought i'd share that with ya.)

in accordance to going easy - one should also avoid shit that can cause harm to one's self. hurt in any kind of way would just wear one down. if you think about it, the only way to do this properly is to steer clear of things/matters that bear a good risk of any such negative occurrence. be safe.

and so on and so forth.

however, i believe that i've been a little careless in that respect. i wouldn't go so far as to call myself a kamikaze sort of person. that'd be someone who'd be described as 'So reckless in behavior or actions as to be suicidal' ... although, admittedly, on certain matters - i suppose i tread a rather fine line.

why i do some of the things i do ... say some of the things i say ... reveal some of the secrets i reveal ... treat some of the people the way i treat them ... feel the way i feel ... sometimes baffles me.

for a moment today, i was seriously considering the idea of Self-Preservation. i actually considered cutting myself off from things/matters/people who bear the risk of causing me any kind of harm in any way shape or form. because, sometimes just thinking about all the ties i have formed over the years with things/matters/people who bear such risk may soon lead me to my own path of self destruction.

all the shit things that have been happenning to me over the past few months, could perhaps be attributed to all these ties. so, wouldn't it be a grand idea to just cut these ties off totally and be free of them? for sometimes i wonder, for all the time i spend thinking and all the effort i put in wishing/hoping and all the heart i give to these things/matters/people - do these things/matters/people have even an ounce of awareness of any of it? or the more scary question might be ... do they even care at all?

after all - i've always been told left, right & center that i'm too nice. and if i don't die as a result of some kinda accident or some natural cause - i'd probably die from being too damn nice. *laughs*(this might explain that recurring dream i have sometimes where i attend my own funeral and when people are asked what they thought of me - all they can say is ... "What do I think about him? ... er ... well ... he's ... how do you put it? ... what's the word? ... well - he's ... nice. Yeah. He's nice.")

thus, for that one moment today, i thought - Self-Preservation doesn't sound like such a bad idea.

then i wake up. that ain't no way to live life.

i do not regret any of the things i've done - i do not wish i can take back some of the things i've said regardless of whether it is a secret or not - i will not change the way i treat some of the people the way i treat them now or neither will i change the way i feel about anyone/anything ... for these things/matters/people mean so much to me. to do anything different or wish that i've done things differently would be an affront to these things/matters/people.

if i am to hurt - let me hurt. let the pain sear through me like a knife right through the very depths of my soul. should i live - make me stronger, wiser and better.

if i am to be happy - let me be happy like heaven's on earth. let the magic of life feed the blood in my veins. should i die - allow me the gift of life for myself and for all whom i love.

if i am to love - let me love simply and truly. let love be the compass that guides me through the maze of life and be the light to the darkness that is to come for sure. should i lose myself or find myself in the darkest of dark - give me the strength of love to rise above it all.

Self-preservation ; hah. what a stupid idea.

signing off ... the commonjack.