giler stress. (f**king results)

ok - here's what happened. this entry is directly connected to the previous entry entitled 'humour me'. this entry would be about my results.

basically, on the Aug 29th - i received a text letting me know that the much dreaded results of my bloody exam were being released. but i was working and i couldn't go get them. so i figured i go get it early the next day and beat the masses lah.

couldn't sleep the whole night - worried like a sick little idiot, wondering what would happen if this or that or this or that happened...

however, i did fall asleep eventually. and as such - woke up later than i wanted to. so i ended up at college at around 12 ish pm instead of in the morning. then i was told that my results were with the vice principal. so i had to go and see him. went into his office and had to wait around for about 10 minutes before he could speak to me because he was busy speaking to other people on the phone.

after which - he asked me for my candidate number - which i of course forgot. he tried looking for my name but couldn't find it. so i was instructed to go home and look for it and call him back.

geez - as if it didn't take so much out of me just to bloody drive to college by myself to get my results in the 1st place. now i was being forced to wait even longer. so i reach home. got my number and called the college up again.

just to be told that they couldn't find my results again, "...oh i'm sorry. it looks like you're one of those students whose results have been misplaced. give me your name and number, i will calling the Uni of London up to source out your results. and we'll be in touch with you within the next few days."

within the next few days!?? what the hell does that mean! geez. so, yeah. thats what happened.



f**ks.

La Vita e Bella.

taking a cue from my dear friend habitualdamnation - i have decided to do a little review - simply because i don't feel like blogging anything too personal at the moment. i'm in a fragile state right now - i just might reveal more than i'd like. see ... i'm doing it right now!

i digress.



as i was saying, this is an entry about La Vita e Bella which is italian for Life is Beautiful. (click to read a proper full on review. what you will read here is merely my own opinion which is obviously rather biased.) The movie is the product of Italian comic sensation Roberto Benigni, who wore three hats for Life is Beautiful: director, co-writer, and star.

this movie holds some sentimental value for me in fact. for i bagged my 1st ever girlfriend watching this movie at TGV 1U at the tender age of 16. it is rather unfortunate that the ensuing relationship was far less memorable if compared to the movie. haha.

at any rate, i believe that this movie is excellent. you could split this movie down in half because there are 2 very separate tones to the movie.

the 1st half would be about Roberto's character, Guido travelling to the city. i myself grew fond of his character for his 'life' and energy. believing he could do anything simply because he wanted to. life was - in a sense - just that simple for him. Guido was a very intelligent and yet very modest man who only needed a few things to be happy. all he wanted was his own bookshop, a woman whom he could love as a wife and a child whom he could love and care for as well. and he wasn't settling - that's just all he wanted - and you gotta respect that.

whilst you get to know Guido - you also become witness to how he meets with his love interest Dora who is played by Nicoletta Brashi, who happens to be Roberto's real life wife. how he then continues to woo Dora off her feet may come across as rather corny and even perhaps 'lame' at some points because of the 'unrealistic' nature of how things seemed to just 'happen' for him. i think it was done rather tastefully and 'just right'. it is after all just a movie and the intended effect of this particular part of the movie is (i would imagine) to make you smile to yourself and go 'hmm...' wistfully - knowing full well that it is totally unbelievable but it would be nice if something like that actually did happen. and actually, why not right?

the slapstick comedy and played out skits that i can only describe as 'Mr.Bean-ish' because of their elaborate nature may make you roll your eyes but i think it never crossed the line of 'lame-ness' and remained funny. intelligently so even.

then, once he successfully woos Dora, you fastforward a few years later to 1945 - and you arrive at the 2nd half of the movie - where the whole tone changes entirely. it becomes more serious, although in a light sort of way - there are many sub-text to be revealed if you think about it while watching. Guido now has his bookshop, a wife he loves and a 5 year old son. WWII is coming to an end and Jewish families were all being rounded up and being sent to concentration camps. the too young and the too old were sent to their deaths while the able bodied men and women were made to carry out 'slave' work.

Guido then feeds his son an illusion that they were actually all playing a game - so that the reality of the situation didn't sink in. Guido maintains this facade throughout their stay in the concentration camp while hiding his son from their captors since children were put to death as well. he does so even in the most dire of circumstances, even after he had a full days worth of 'slave' work and at the same time he reaches out to his wife, Dora whenever he got the chance. you see, men and women were separated in this camp and weren't allowed to see each other. Dora didn't even know whether Guido and her son were dead or alive. but Guido made sure that she knew - by stealing moments on the public announcement system or playing her favourite opera music and making sure the women's quarters could hear it.

it's truly an inspiring movie. Guido keeps up the facade right up to the very end - giving his wife, Dora and his son one of the most important things one must have but struggles to hold on to under such circumstances - hope.

i won't spoil the movie for you - if you haven't watched it - you should. let me re-iterate that - you simply must.

because despite all of life's flaws and tribulations - life can be truly beautiful. La Vita e Bella.

signing off, the commonjack.

p/s: memorable lines: off the top of my head right now...

"...we may be waiters who serve but we are never servants. just as God is the ultimate servant, He serves us but is not our servant. remember that."

there are more - but i can't remember the exact words at the moment - heh - will add them on later.

it's coming.

woah ... the months have really flown by.



i feel like i've been in a form of hibernation. not sure of what to do and as such i do a little bit of this and a little bit of that - just to keep me busy until hibernation period is up. i do stuff with minor goals in sight but nothing really concrete because i have no idea what i'll have to do once my results come out.

if they are good - life goes on. and i'll handle whatever that comes my way.

if they are bad - i might have to think about quitting. i might have to think of alternatives. or i may just have to go on. none of which are prospects i look forward to in any way.

for more info on what i'm talking about above...refer to past entry entitled, 'humour me'.

so what have i been doing in the past 3 months of my holidays? well, i've worked a lot. asking my manager to give me any class he needs me in. cause i'm flexible and well, work helps keeps my mind off things. also, the extra cash would come in handy.

what else, i've done more writing - as mentioned in previous entry of alone. but that has been going rather slower than i would like. i've tried writing more songs but i seem to have stumbled upon another block. i did sing more and even performed an open mic session as per my singing debut. i'm in the acting class as per the acting saga continues.

umm, i also put my effort in looking for 'voice over' gigs with relevant companies all over town. of course, from this - nothing has come to fruition.

i got a small role in a local tv drama. nothing big. but it was cool to be a part of that. check it out if you're free, it's impian illyana on NTV7 almost every other day. you can check out the local newspaper regarding when it is showing or you can click here. i should be in episodes 30 - 40. no, not all of them but 1 or 2 episodes back to back ie it could be epi34 and epi35 or the like. to be honest, i'm not sure.

i've also bought a new lomo camera. http://www.lomography.com/about/ is a site you can go to if you have no idea what a lomo camera is. i bought the lomo camera which is called the action sampler and mine has flash capabilities so that i can take pictures at night and in dark places. since i can't draw for nuts - why not try taking pictures eh? the camera uses regular film - so chill lah. once i get a fair collection of decent looking 'artsy' or just plain 'goofy' lomo pictures, i'll have them scanned and put 'em up here. something to look out for in the near or not so near future.

besides that, i've been doing standard stuff around the house, catching up with my dvds, strategising a plan of how i am going to restore the old Citroen ZX my Father has finally decided to let me use exclusively. if you haven't a clue what a ZX looks like ... click here. but what you will see upon clicking is a very nicely maintained and done up version. mine is this green. it's old and it's leaking all over the place. and the tires need replacing. the engine needs retuning. the throttle body needs cleaning and perhaps even replacing. the engine mounting needs to be looked at. there's something wrong with the wiring in connection to the radio. and of course, the speedometer needs to be replaced. right now, i can only guess how fast i've been driving.

so now you may understand why i am 'strategising'.

that's basically it. how am i feeling? - you may ask. well, kinda f**ked up. but nothing i can't handle. it's all good. i guess. could be worse. could always be worse.

so yeah. how you guys doin'?

sigining off, the commonjack.

Schweet stuff.

digressing from most of the moody stuff that i tend to write about here on this blog - i've decided this time to write about 2 conversations i've had with my Mum which i want to remember ...

1st conversation: i was about to go out and i popped into my Mum's 'office' in the house just to let her know that i was going out and as usual - don't wait up.

• Mum: where you going?
• Me: i'm just going out to have some drinks with the guys lah. (and i sat down to put on my socks)
• Mum: you know...i had an odd dream last night.
• Me: uh huh...what about?
• Mum: i dreamt that i was at some mall with you and you must have been only 5 or 6. and i told you to stay put while i went away for a while. but when i turned around to look for you. i saw you walking away in the other direction and i tried calling you but you couldn't hear me. and you just kept walking. and i couldn't find you.
• Me: ...
• Mum: weird dream.
• Me: don't worry lah Mum. i won't be going anywhere anytime soon. i still need to live in your house. Heheh.

and i gave my Mum a little hug - which is very rare in this family. and i left.

2nd conversation: over dinner one night - just Mum and Me.

• Me: mum ah...i've been getting a lot of surprised and perplexed reactions from friends when i tell them that i've just been hired as a kickboxing instructor.
• Mum: yes?
• Me: no lah...i was just curious. 'cause when i told you about it. you were like , "Ok. How much will they pay you?" weren't you the least bit surprised or confused as to how after doing kickboxing for such a short while - out of the blue - i get offered a job to be an instructor?
• Mum: no.
• Me: you weren't curious at all?
• Mum: no.
• Me: why not?
• Mum: you pick things up quite quickly. you're quite talented what ... you're a natural. and you seem to be able to do so many things. so it doesn't surprise me anymore.
• Me: ...
• Mum: why? should i be surprised?
• Me: (smiles) i guess not...
• Mum: finish the food lah ... don't leave little bit of this and little bit of that ...
• Me: *sigh... ok lah Mum.

schweet innit? my Mum annoys the hell outta me sometimes. and sure she may not understand many things about me. but there are moments of 'light' ... which make up for most of it.

signing off - the commonjack.

humour me.

it's Aug! shit. reality is knocking at the door and come Sept - my holidays will be over...and then i'll have to deal with some shit. oh well...in that vein - continue reading...

X

okok - here's how its gonna work. i'm gonna give you guys, *my dear readers, a scenario. and at the end of it. i'ma gonna ask a question. if you feel like it - answer it in all honesty. there's no censoring here. and i try not to judge. so you can say anything you want. wokay? here goes...

SCENARIO:
life is going well for X. doesn't have a 1st class family. nobody really communicates. rare family meals. everyone's got their own thing. family breaks apart every now and then. but push come to shove - the family trudges along through it all.

X is a generally nice person. X could be described as a guy who's a bit of an extrovert but shy all the same. not a pure extrovert. X is far from what people would refer to as 'a social butterfly' but is outspoken in 'small doses'.

leads a rather active and diversified lifestyle in the sense that - he can find it within himself to appreaciate the finer things like art - although in a very rudimentary sense (X is not exactly one of those people you see at art galleries going, "I think this particular tree at the corner of this painting symbolises life and how it seems far away in the corner but growing strong..." etc...).

X appreciates literature and is familiar with names like Kafka, Austen, Shakespeare, Pablo Neruda, Joyce, Yeats, John Keats, etc...but also in a very rudimentary sense. X may know these names but has not read most of them and is most likely gonna face great difficulty to fully appreciate the greatness that these literary greats possess when X attempts to pick these greats up and try to read them.

but put all that arty, finer things in life aside - X is also just a regular person. for example, X likes sports. X plays everything from badminton to squash, from golf to basketball to football, from pool to snooker etc.

X enjoys having a midnight teh tarik at the mamak. X loves great food and this encompasses everything from the things you get at 5 star hotels to what you can get from hawker stalls set up on the streets or back alleys of Malaysia...

so you get the picture of what X is like - this may or may not be helpful in answering the question.

so now X is leaving school. X is not one of those people who know exactly what they want to be like a doctor, lawyer, teacher, police officer, singer, actor, barber -. but X seemed a little partial towards a degree in Mass Comm.

however, X was advised by Father and Brother that Law is a good way to go too. it's a degree that attaches with it some 'class' and prestidge. and it'd be challenging. you'd be learning something with more 'substance'. you'd be trained to think at another level. and once you graduate - you can still go into lines of work that the study of Mass Comm degree prepares you for!

(note: i am in no way putting down the course of Mass Comm and glorifying the study of Law - i'm just givin' ya a scenario. =>)

X agreed.

X did rather well in the 1st year of the study of Law. but all the while - X's heart wasn't in it. it was like studying Chemistry, Physics, Geography, Add Math in secondary school. it felt like it's just something that X needed to study and get it over with.

and with that - things just got worse in the 2nd year. subjects were 'drier' and 'bulkier' but unfortunately in no way simpler. X ended up failing the year and had to re-do it all over again.

X experienced the same problems. couldn't seem to rise above it to do well. if possible, X became even more 'dis-interested'. X began to detest Law. X got irritated easily, flustered and extremely disheartened at the fact of not being able to rise above it all to just 'do' the damn course. X knew that if X could just put in the work - X could pass and do well even. X knew it wasn't because X was stupid. X looks at some of the clowns who get through and that being the case, why can't X get through?

so X experienced moments of 'light' and felt as though it was do-able at some times. but X found that it was a difficult energy to sustain and fell short time and again. X felt like X was walking against the currents of a river and it was getting stronger and stronger the further up-river he got. and up to a certain point - X kept on getting swept back down the river only to get up and trudge along again.



X failed again.
___________________________________________________________________

now the question: X has already spent 3 years doing Law. X should be graduated by now. it's a 3 year course. but X is stuck in the 2nd year.

Would you do the year again? or Would you throw in the towel and go for another course?

neither answer will be easy. doing it again would mean going through the same shit and worse still - for the 3rd time. throwing in the towel would mean learning new subject matter right from the 1st year. and most degree courses would take another 3 to 4 years. it'd be some time before X can get out of 'student' status and join the 'rat race'. and not too mention numerous other remonstrances from family, society, himself, etc.

Note: we all know who X is - but i don't like to use names here. i'll refer to you as whatever you refer yourself to be. so like i said in the title of this entry - *humour me. :)

signing off - the commonjack.