Manic Highs and Suicidal Lows.

Manic High

X

Suicidal Low

Question: Would you stick with a friend who has Manic Highs and Suicidal Lows?

most people say 'no'.

Question:What if this person is a very good friend of yours?

most people say, 'then i won't hang out with him/her so much anymore'.

Question: What if this person has always been like that?

most people say, 'then i wouldn't be friends with him/her in the 1st place'.

it really made me think. generally speaking, i'm still rather 'well-adjusted'. but it is a very thin line that i face everyday. at least it certainly feels that way.

i know people who are like that. we all do i'm sure. and generally, i am more forgiving. and will still be friends with them. in fact, i make it a point to do so. but it has never been because i felt sorry for them. no ... never was the case. it is because i see myself in them and they have the *courage to let out that Manic High or the Suicidal Low. they are not afraid of it. some of them might not know how to deal with such states ... but they don't try to hide it.

some people may think that is a sign of weakness. allowing yourself to go 'crazy' and experience Manic Highs and Suicidal Lows.

but you could also flip that around and say that those who hide it are the ones who are weak.

why do they hide it? 'cause they are afraid? are the ones who show it braver then? does allowing yourself to feel and express Manic Highs and Suicidal Lows merely show a lack of control and therefore losing *good qualities like 'efficiency and consistency in emotions, manner and thoughts'?

so many questions. so many ways to answer these. and i believe that this is very much a 'to each his own' type of subject. you may have your own reasons to avoid 'volatile' people and they'd be very valid.

i, for one, as said earlier, would still be friends with such people. and i further stress on the point that it would not be because i felt sorry for them. but because i see myself in them. because, there's a thin, blur line (that i may perhaps unknowingly cross everyday) between me and them. and i'll stick by them because nobody should be left alone - feeling Manic Highs and Suicidal Lows.

but more importantly, (and perhaps even selfishly), it is because i'd like to think that if i ever do become a person who generally i'experiences Manic Highs and Suicidal Lows - i'll have friends who will stick by me - regardless.

i won't expect it. but it is OK to hope for something like that right?

(yeah. i think so.)

oh well.

signing off, the commonjack.

ONe DAy.

One day,

I'll lose all my friends,

My world will crumble all around me,

And I won't be able to do anything about it ...

One day,

The people I love most in the world will die,

I will be left to fend for myself,

And I'll only be armed with mere memory of how things used to be -

Wondering what things could be ...

One day,

Everything will go wrong,

So wrong that I won't even be able to retrace my steps back to when it was right,

And I'd be left standing in a place I never wanted to be in,

With nowhere else to go ...

One day,

Someone will flip the switch on me,

I'll be consumed by the dark with no light at the end of the tunnel to gun for,

And I'll be lost in a never-ending tunnel of darkness, helpless and alone ...

One day,

That day will come and go,

And I'll still be here waiting for more.

sometimes i get scared.

sometimes i scare myself. not on purpose. but i genuinely scare myself.

the chaos in the picture below reminds me of how i feel when i scare myself.



there are times when i get so angry that i just don't give a f**k about anything. at times like that, i couldn't care less about whether relationships amongst members of my family are getting worse or not. i couldn't give 2 shits about whether or not i can catch up with my law studies. i don't care about people around me. i feel like running till my legs can't take another step. i want to just beat the shit out of a 'punching bag'. or i just end up zoning out in front of the tv. at times like that ... i don't care about anything.

when i reach that point...i have to consciously catch myself and tell myself, "What the f**k man? Cool it. Calm the f**k down." and that's when i start wondering what kinda person i'm becoming...

i'm becoming that 'angry 20-something year old' that i despise. the kinda guy that walks around with so much anger in his heart - he doesn't know what to do with himself. and then i catch myself.

so i guess then there's hope for me right? 'cause i catch myself everytime. i fear the day i forget to catch myself and let myself indulge with the feeling for too long that i forget how to get out of it.

sometimes i scare myself.

signing off...the commonjack.

Going North

and so it begins. i'm in another play. (woo hoo! whoopee! yabadabadoo! - secretly jumping about inside but trying to look cool on the outside.)



it's called "Going North". i've got a small role (but of couese there's no such thing as a small role lah...just small actors right? *Grin). the rehearsal schedule doesn't clash with my classes too much. and it looks like a nice play to be a part of.

i had to turn down another play which i was offered because the timing is bad - it clashes with my revision time as well as being dangerously close to my final exams. priorities...priorities...f**k. i just want to get law done and over with.

this is a bad attitude innit? oh well, this site is for me to rant about how i feel sometimes...so there.

CLick on GOING NORTH for more details. if you guys are around and interested...get a ticket. come and watch. and i'll see you there.

signing off, the commonjack.

i've had lots of friends leave. i've had lots of significant people leave me too. i have a beef against the idea of leaving the country to further ones studies. how come i never get to be the one who goes away? but i digress.

the real point of this entry is to say how surprised i was to feel the way i felt when my good friend - since we were 15 years old - had to leave for the States. i worry about the bugger.

i knew he was going. but i guess i never really thought that it could make me sad. as i said earlier in this post. i've had many important people leave me...and i've wept and felt a sharp pain before...but i've learnt to cope with it better the more i experienced it.

that's why i was starting to feel a little baffled when i started to 'feel' something once i arrived at the airport. waiting for the fella and the rest of the entourage to arrive. i realised i didn't know what to say ... i didn't know how to react to the feeling.

i admit, i haven't been hanging out with the 'guys' much lately. the 4 of us. and i guess, 'G' was always the anchor. and just a few days ago...he left. because he's always been so accessible to all of us...i guess ishould have known that we'd all be affected when he left.

i remember during my form 6 years...and even during my 1st 2 years of college. when i felt like playing hookie...the only guy who was always 'on call' would be G. a guy i'm proud to call my brother as i call the other 2 guys. G is a guy who says it as it is. no complications. you ask a question, he gives you an answer ... simply because sometimes it is just that easy. he don't ask for much. he don't need a helluva a lot. and he gives whatever he can. and he couldn't care less what people in general think...as long as he does what he thinks is right...

after all ... "why make things so complicated for? i is do whatever it is i think is right lah..." *grin.

gambling sessions will never be the same bro! :)

the anchor has left. and i'm feeling more estranged from "the guys" than i've ever felt in my entire life. but i guess that's just the way it goes sometimes.

it'll work out at some point.

take care in the states G...if you ever read this.

signing off...the Commonjack.