Capoeira.

it's 12.42 am.

for a brief history read about Capoeira - click on: http://www.capoeiratexas.com/history.html .

you may be wondering - why the sudden interest?

well, being self imprisoned in the house most of this week in the hope to do more studying (which i have done lah - but as always - i don't think it's enough and i'm still in an unstable state of mind in terms of whether i'm preparing adequately or etc... but been doing work nevertheless) - part of the self imprisonment rules are - i'll only go out for legitimate reasons. like when i need food. :) or like yesterday - i met up with a friend i thought i had lost. but it appears i hadn't. (let's just leave it at that.) basically, it's good news.

so, there we are, havin' dinner and talking like we've not been alienated from each other for God knows how long and she tells me that, just as i have picked up kickboxing, she's picked up capoeira and has been quite actively involved for the past 3 months. this immediately brought to mind this old memory of myself watching ONLY THE STRONG, Mark Dascascos.



i think i was only 14 and i remember thinking to myself - "Woah...cool dude..." (said in BILL & TED's Excellent Adventures tone...)

and this presented me with the perfect opportunity.

i went for the class. 1st class is free. it's situated at the area around Atria in Damansara Jaya. i loved it. i'm a very musically driven person - and as this quote suggests, "Capoeira has been described as a martial art, a dance, an art form, a form of self-defense, or any hybrid of these." therefore, it only makes sense that i should enjoy it thoroughly.

1st 20 to 30 minutes of the class was the warm up. there were a series of stretching that are - well, can be aptly described as tremendously challenging. which was then followed by 50 push ups...at 1st i thought, he said 15...but there no problem - 50 push ups - i can do now. :)

but after the push ups - we were all told to do 20 - erm - bridges? you know how you lie on your back, then you prop your whole body up with your arms and legs... now - this was tough - i think i only managed like 10 - and very, very slowly.

i learnt the GINGA (http://www.wu-wien.ac.at/usr/h96b/h9650297/cap-basics.html#ginga).




i think i learned the Meia Lua de Frente (http://www.wu-wien.ac.at/usr/h96b/h9650297/cap-basics.html#frente - illustrated above). - although, i don't remember the instructor saying anything that complicated (it was difficult to hear with the music so loud in the background) - but i definitely learned this kick lah.



the ARMADA (http://www.wu-wien.ac.at/usr/h96b/h9650297/cap-basics.html#armada - illustrated above).

i also learned like 3 'evasive' techniques - for the life of me - i cannot remember the names of right now - it's not in the site above - and i can't be arsed to go look for another one. but yeah, that's basically all i learned.

and then the class ended with what had to be more than 100 crunches, sits ups - it was all about the abs at the end. woah.

although, it has to be said, the atmosphere felt friendlier and it felt less 'uppity'. i guess that is attributed to the kind of people who were there. as opposed to my kickboxing place in hartamas, where all the people are of course very nice...just that there are also a lot of young execs on the go - and it can't be helped that ego's will definitely be in the air. but for me, it was the music and the sense of 'history' of capoeira where it was an art practiced by slaves in the beginning. i don't know.

i do know that in june, after my exams - i'll definitely be picking this up. :)

ok then.

signing off, the commonjack.

interesting thoughts...

it's 1.44 am.

or more like thoughts that i'm sure you've come across b4 but just worded slightly differently.

" ... it's better to belong where you don't belong than not to belong where you used to belong, remembering when you used to belong there."

how true. either way you look at it - it's a bad situation. the best thing to do is to move on. and find out how you fit in the 'new' place where you feel like you don't belong there and somehow 'belong' there. that's life.


"he just looked like someone who had been frightened for so long it had become apart of his life, like freckles."

i find this to be one of the saddest things to witness. to actually meet someone who has been frightened for so long - it becomes all there is. what else is there? i watched a scene in thi3teen - quite a good movie btw(google it if you wanna know more about it lah) - it showed the protagonist of the movie (ie the 13 year old girl) who had grown so far apart from her mother - that when all the shit had hit the fan and the mother tried to reach out for her...she cringed when the mother tried to touch her.

the feeling of being cared for - being loved - was so alien to her - she became frightened of it. she was frightened of being cared for. she was frightened of being loved. she was frightened for so long. it became apart of her. ( - like freckles. it's just there. nothing you can do to freckles - barring plastic surgery lah - but other than that - it's just there.)

btw - the 2 phrases that instigated this entry was lifted from a marvellous Terry Pratchett book i'm reading now - THE WEE FREE MEN: the fightin', thievin', tiny blue-skinned pictsies who were thrown out of Fairyland for being Drunk and Disorderly... -.



and to end this entry with yet another Pratchett line ... "reality is a quality that things possess in the same way that they possess, say, weight. some people are more 'real' than others, for example."

rights. that's the end of this one.

signing off, the commonjack.

Missy Higgins. what can i say?

it's 2.50 am. there isn't a single song on her "Sound of White" album that i do not like. all of them speak to me - from the lyrics to her piano and guitar and of course that sweet, raw voice. lurvely! just a little sample. it'd be nice to have someone say these words to me when i was going through that little rough patch i was going through not too long ago... oh well.





"Nightminds"

Just lay it all down. Put your face into my neck and let it fall out. I know I know I know. I knew before you got home. This world you're in now, It doesn't have to be alone, I'll get there somehow, 'cos I know I know I know When, even springtime feels cold.



But I will learn to breathe this ugliness you see, So we can both be there and we can both share the dark. And in our honesty, together we will rise, Out of our nightminds, and into the light At the end of the fight...



You were blessed by a different kind of inner view: it's all magnified. The highs would make you fly, and the lows make you want to die. And I was once there, hanging from that very ledge where you are standing. So I know I know I know, It's easier to let go.



But I will learn to breathe this ugliness you see, So we can both be there and we can both share the dark. And in our honesty, together we will rise out of our nightminds And into the light at the end of the fight.



...and in our honesty, together we will rise out of our nightminds And into the light... at the end of the fight...

signing off ... the commonjack.

the 4th sign of the zodiac

it's 1.53 pm.

CANCER. 22nd June to 22nd July.

origin: probably came from ancient Babylon.

glyph: the Cancer glyph apparently represents breasts (besides the oh-so-famous Crab) - the other image is that of two female breasts, which Cancer rules, showing that this is a sign that nurtures and protects others as well as itself. In ancient Egypt, Cancer was also represented by the scarab beetle, a symbol of regeneration and eternal life.

ruling planet: the Moon.

groupings: feminine, cardinal & water. (have no idea what this means.)

typical traits: the protective nature of the Cancerian is the overriding aspect of the character, but is tempered by a stubborn and often moody streak. although they tend to be of the worrying type, Cancerians have a remarkably good intuition, and their instinctive reactions and decisions can usually be relied upon. there is, however a changeability about Cancerians that manifests itself in several ways. they can rapidly adapy to pick up info, habits, etc, from others. it also means that they can be touchy and, like the crab, may be hiding a soft, easily hurt person beneath a seemingly hard shell.

family: the caring nature of Cancerians makes them excellent at building a home and good at forming longlasting partnerships. in general, Cancerians like to look back in preference to forwards and commonly stay in the same house for a long period of time(god - i don't really fancy this idea). a slightly negative aspect is that their protective nature can become excessive and turn into clinging, and they be touchy and occasionally snap for no apparent reason.

the sensitive almost retiring aspect of the character can be seen quite early in life, and this may continue to the point that they become very shy at school; they may hide behind a shell. it is commonly the case that Cancerians will eye new social contacts somewhat warily, keeping them at arm's length. however, when they get to know each other better, firm friendships can develop.

Cancerians usually like their extended family within a reasonable short disctance and are keen to help anyone who may need their support.

business: Cancerians can turn their hand to most things and their carefuly, intuitive apporach can make them successful. they tend to work well with people and often adopt the role of mediator, where diplomacy is required. the ecaring professions (for eg medicine) are obviously well matched to the Cancer character, but teaching may also be suitable. although business may prosper under a Cancerian, there is often a tendency, even a fear to change, which may show itself as inflexibility.

wider aspects: Cancerians are extremely sensitive, and while outwardly they appear charming and friendly, they can often be temperamental and subject to wide mood swings. in general, they love change and while travel appeals, home has the greatest attraction.

associations: colour - silver and pastel shades. flowers - white flowers, especially the rose, lily. gemstone - pearl. food - dairy foods and fish.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Commentary:

i for one would like to 1st state that i am not much of 'zodiac' kind of a person. to me, you are who you are. generalisation of this sort is something that i don't really put too much stock into but i must admit that sometimes - it's interesting to read up a little on things like this.

so this is just for fun.

note: words highlighted in blue are descriptions that that i think are kinda on the ball. the red highlight however, are stuff that i don't really agree or mostly i think are kinda on the ball as well but are descriptions of which i dislike about myself. very general stuff lah on the whole.

in terms of the associations - food not really true (i ain't no fish person). with regards to the flowers (although i do not think of myself as much of a flower person to begin with) - white flowers do indeed sound more appealing me to me than any other flowers especially those specifically mentioned ie white roses or lilies - i can imagine myself liking. :)

anyway - feel free to leave a comment - related or not. i miss reading stuff from other people around here.

i better get back to 'not wasting my time' - later.

signing off - the commonjack.

Self Preservation.

it's 1.15 am.

Self-preservation (Self`-pres`er*va"tion) (?), n.
The preservation of one's self from destruction or injury.

'tis an interesting concept. something i've not been practicing all that much. let's give it a moment here.

in order to preserve one's self - one should go easy. then one would limit one's own 'wear and tear' and therefore last longer.

which reminds me, there's this character in CATCH-22 who says that he knows the secret of how to live longer. as we all know, time seems to go by slower when you're bored as hell right? so, this guy tries his level best to indulge himself in exceptionally boring activities to maximize every minute, every second of the day... (just thought i'd share that with ya.)

in accordance to going easy - one should also avoid shit that can cause harm to one's self. hurt in any kind of way would just wear one down. if you think about it, the only way to do this properly is to steer clear of things/matters that bear a good risk of any such negative occurrence. be safe.

and so on and so forth.

however, i believe that i've been a little careless in that respect. i wouldn't go so far as to call myself a kamikaze sort of person. that'd be someone who'd be described as 'So reckless in behavior or actions as to be suicidal' ... although, admittedly, on certain matters - i suppose i tread a rather fine line.

why i do some of the things i do ... say some of the things i say ... reveal some of the secrets i reveal ... treat some of the people the way i treat them ... feel the way i feel ... sometimes baffles me.

for a moment today, i was seriously considering the idea of Self-Preservation. i actually considered cutting myself off from things/matters/people who bear the risk of causing me any kind of harm in any way shape or form. because, sometimes just thinking about all the ties i have formed over the years with things/matters/people who bear such risk may soon lead me to my own path of self destruction.

all the shit things that have been happenning to me over the past few months, could perhaps be attributed to all these ties. so, wouldn't it be a grand idea to just cut these ties off totally and be free of them? for sometimes i wonder, for all the time i spend thinking and all the effort i put in wishing/hoping and all the heart i give to these things/matters/people - do these things/matters/people have even an ounce of awareness of any of it? or the more scary question might be ... do they even care at all?

after all - i've always been told left, right & center that i'm too nice. and if i don't die as a result of some kinda accident or some natural cause - i'd probably die from being too damn nice. *laughs*(this might explain that recurring dream i have sometimes where i attend my own funeral and when people are asked what they thought of me - all they can say is ... "What do I think about him? ... er ... well ... he's ... how do you put it? ... what's the word? ... well - he's ... nice. Yeah. He's nice.")

thus, for that one moment today, i thought - Self-Preservation doesn't sound like such a bad idea.

then i wake up. that ain't no way to live life.

i do not regret any of the things i've done - i do not wish i can take back some of the things i've said regardless of whether it is a secret or not - i will not change the way i treat some of the people the way i treat them now or neither will i change the way i feel about anyone/anything ... for these things/matters/people mean so much to me. to do anything different or wish that i've done things differently would be an affront to these things/matters/people.

if i am to hurt - let me hurt. let the pain sear through me like a knife right through the very depths of my soul. should i live - make me stronger, wiser and better.

if i am to be happy - let me be happy like heaven's on earth. let the magic of life feed the blood in my veins. should i die - allow me the gift of life for myself and for all whom i love.

if i am to love - let me love simply and truly. let love be the compass that guides me through the maze of life and be the light to the darkness that is to come for sure. should i lose myself or find myself in the darkest of dark - give me the strength of love to rise above it all.

Self-preservation ; hah. what a stupid idea.

signing off ... the commonjack.

i ain't no fighter.

it's 1 am.

i've finally gotten the nerve to start sparring with the big boys now.

see, i've been a kickboxing instructor for about 6 months now. before this, i could never build up the nerve to join the sparring sessions. i just couldn't imagine myself in a ring 'going at it' and just going in for the kill kind of a thing you know?

my whole life, physical fights was never an option - not because i was scared but because i always believed that something like that should be avoided as far as possible. at one point in time, i believed that one can never have a 'good reason' to actually fight with someone. however, now i understand that sometimes - you gotta. but i'm talking about very extreme situations here.

i've managed to go through my whole life thus far without ever having to fist-fight someone.

at any rate, i still wanna learn how to defend myself. i used to think that push come to shove - if someone were attacking me and i had nowhere to run - i'd be able to defend myself. since i started kickboxing - that confidence increased even more.

but i was rudely awakened the 1st time i went into the ring. i couldn't even bring myself to hit the other guy properly. and when he attacked me - it took me a while before i could react properly. and as a result, i was very apprehensive - throwing my punches all wrong - off the mark with my kicks. it was horrendous.

1st time:
was up against a local champion fighter - KUMAR fights in the 70kg's and above weight division. at 1st, he told me to attack him and he'll just defend. 2 minute rounds. so the 1st round and most of the 2nd round he just defended himself. by the last 30 secs of the 2nd round - the head instructor told him - "OK, fight back but control your power."

he started punching me - and they were hard. i blocked the punches but then he gave me a sidekick right into the solar plexus. i was down on the ground and i couldn't breathe for 5 secs. that was the end of the night for me.

2nd time:
was alright but i was very stiff and still had no idea what to do. apprehensive and couldn't bring myself to hit my opponent. not properly. apparently my punches were better but i couldn't bring myself to kick someone proper. as a result, i went home with bruises here and there but i hardly touched anyone! (at least i didn't feel so bad this time though.)

3rd time:
this time - i had more confidence. i hit my opponents but still found it difficult to take hits and counter attack. when i saw someone come at me - i kinda freeze for a split sec before i react. and as a result i don't protect myself fully proper. i get a few hits and block the rest and catch my breath before i attacked back when i was supposed to conserve energy as my opponent attacks me so that i can counter back the moment he stops.

i did get hit on a 'dead spot'. there are a few parts on your body that are called dead spots meaning if you were to get hit there - your muscle in that area would spasm and it'll hurt like a mutha. and you wouldn't be able to move. i had to be helped out of the ring and had to sit out for 5 mins before the pain went away again. oh well...

4th time: (my most recent)
i put up the best fights i've ever put up. i was confident. i planned ahead what 'moves' i wanted to execute and i executed them. there were like 10 people signed up for sparring that night and everyone had to have at least one round against everyone else. at 2 mins each round - that totals up to about 20 mins of fighting. it may not sound like a lot - but even 2 mins of full out and out fighting takes a lot out of ya!

6 ppl were made up of seniors and 4 ppl were made up of 1st timers at sparring. i put up good fights with the 5 other seniors and i was bitch tired at the end of it. i took a few shots on my left rib - it was feeling rather sore. when it came to the 4 newbies - i was so tired - i was fighting them like a beginner! i got a few good shots in but for some reason the newbies all hit me right at the same spot ie my left rib! i must have got kicked at least 15 times at the same spot that night.

when i got out of the ring and took out my mouth guard and removed my head gear ... and breathed in properly ... my rib was really feeling it. it really hurt. oh well...

there's a nice little bruise there right now. but it's healing up rather nicely.

conclusion is, my learning curve with this sparring thing is a little slow...but i'm getting there. admittedly, i ain't no fighter. but you know what? i'm looking forward to my next session... :D

signing off, the commonjack.

i've been tamed.

it's 4.30 pm.

as with tradition, everytime i am supposed to be studying - i get all sorts of ideas to do other
things. and i end up doing all those things till i completely run out of ideas and then there'd
be nothing left to do but study. and that's when i get my best studying then cause there's no
more restless energy keeping me distracted. so in a sense, this is a good thing. (Yeah, right...)

anyway, i've been doing a lot of reading lately (another tradition - ie when i'm supposed to be
studying i suddenly have this huge urge to pick up books i've been meaning to read for a long
time...) and one of the books i've picked up is THE LITTLE PRINCE by ANTOINE DE SAINT-EXUPERY.

this book was introduced to me by an old friend of mine with whom i've unfortunately lost contact with. her initials are C.E.L.

it's a children's book but it's oh so much more than say...PETER & JANE and the like. this book
has so many layers to it and yet it is written so simply that it begs the question, "What's the
big deal about being an adult? Kid's get the world a whole lot better than grown ups..."

anyway, it's about a LITTLE PRINCE who travels from planet to planet wanting to make new friends.

when he arrived on earth, he met a Fox. and he wanted to make friends with the Fox. this is how it basically goes...

F: i can't play with you because i am not tame.

P: oh, i'm sorry. but what does 'tame' mean?

F: it is something which is too often forgotten, it means '...to establish ties...'

P: '...to establish ties...'?

F: yes. to me, you are just a little boy like a hundred thousand other little boys. and i have no
need of you. just as you have no need of me for i am but a fox like a hundred thousand other
foxes. but if you tame me, then we shall need each other. to me, you will be unique and i will be unique to you.

P: now i am beginning to understand...

F: my life is monotonous. i hunt chickens and men hunt me. all chickens are alike and all men are alike. so i get a little bored. but if you were to tame me, then my life would be so full of sunshine. i shall recognise the sound of a step different from all the others. the sound of other footsteps would send me scurrying into my burrow but the sound of your steps shall call me out of my burrow like the sound of music...

(the Fox remained silent for awhile...thinking about it...)

F: i beg of you...tame me!

P: willingly but i am afraid i have many friends to discover and many other things to understand.

F: one can only understand the things one tames. if you want a friend, then tame me!

P: what should i do?

F: you must be very patient ... first you will sit at a distance from me. just like this. i will watch
you from the corner of my eye. you shall not speak for words are a source of misunderstanding. but everyday, you can sit a little closer to me.

the next day, the little Prince returned.

F: you should come back at the same time. for eg, if you usually come back at 4. by 3, i would start feeling happy. by 4(if you're still not here), then i'd start feeling anxious, agitated and unhappy - i shall discover the price of happiness.

thus it was that the Fox was tamed by the little Prince. when the time came for the Prince to depart.

F: oh i shall cry!

P: it's your own fault. you wanted me to tame you!

F: indeed.

P: but you are going to cry!

F: that is so.

P: then i have not helped you in any way!

F: let me tell you a secret. it is only with one's heart that one can see clearly. what is essential is invisible to the eye. it is the time you spend on another that makes that person important. men have forgotten this basic truth - for what you have tamed, you become responsible forever. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

this is of course not taken verbatim. i hope i managed to capture the essence of it. it is a truly wonderful book. but this was one part that i didn't capture proper the 1st time i read it. upon reading the book again for the 2nd time - this part just stood out to me.

but the point is, i've been 'tamed'. there are ppl i've been tamed by who will forever be unique and special to me. if i should die without accomplishing a full life - it'll be ok as long as these few ppl who have tamed me recognise me as being unique to them as well. it's like leaving my mark here on earth in this existence.

i mean - what's the point of living if when you're gone - it'll be as if you weren't even around to begin with? it'd be like becoming a king of a land with no subjects to rule over and when you die, then the land is just there. and that's that.

oh well.

signing off, the commonjack.

MEET JOE BLACK.

it's 3.31 am. i'm on a roll tonight ... another entry!

the following is an extract from the movie MEET JOE BLACK (definitely one of my fav movies of all time!): (of course this is from memory so it's not verbatim - but the gist is there.)

JOE(Brad Pitt's character aka DEATH) - J & OTHER GUY(can't remember his name) _ OG...

J: allison loves you doesn't she? just like you love her.

OG: (nods his head)

J: how do you know? how do you know that allison loves you?

OG: well...it's cause she knows the worst thing about me and it's ok. she knows my deepest darkest secret and (beat) it's ok. she still loves me.

J: so...what's your deepest darkest secret?

OG: it's not any ONE thing in particular. it's an idea ... a concept...er, once you know the worst thing about someone, then you know almost everything there is to know about that person - and then you're free.

J: Free?

OG: Free to just love the other person without any inhibitions. it's just no holds barred, out and out pure love. no secrets ... no nothing ...you're free to love.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
that's an interesting way to look at it innit? when i think about it that way - then i've never really been loved before then. admittedly, i'm not sure if i've ever devulged a deep dark secret of mine to someone but that's because i don't really have one.

however, i have shown myself at my weakest to a 'select few' and i suppose that could be akin to devulging a deep dark secret to someone. thus, with reference to the above - that means i have 'loved' someone before.

but applying this same test, that means i've not really been loved in return. well, this is of course referring to 'some' of the people in the 'select few' class of people and it is indeed a small(very small) class made up of very, very few people.

Oh well, this is depressing.

signing off, the commonjack.

fleeting youth

it's 11.24 pm.

fleeting as the soft winds of the night that blow by with a whisper so slight,

you scarcely hear it pass you as it takes flight!
looking through memories stored in boxes made of cardboard resting also in the confines of my mind, i can still see vivid images of a life gone by, one that is still alive and is growing old with time,

letters read with words that seem to carry new meaning whilst there are others that remain unchanged, pictures left untaken come to life in my mind's eye and shall forever linger till i am to old to remember nor care,

old times revisited and old relations reexamined, some good some bad some stronger, whilst some have dwindled down to mere acquaintances,what was real ... what was so, so real at one point in life is now questioned for it has become a mere memory that harbours the fierce possibility of being forgotten,

now it is i standing here with thoughts of words that might have been spoken, memories that now might have already been forgotten, a life that might have been should things have been different, pondering if mistakes made were worthwhile, if righteous acts were truly noble or in reality just antics of a fool? a fool who should have known better...

age is no indicator of real age, youth can last beyond the age of 21, wisdom comes neither with age nor with time but with experiences in life, in that sense youth could just be a simple state of mind, one that is fragile that it will crack when it is dropped one to many times.

signing off, the commonjack.

Death is just a state of mind.

love more.

it's 12.35 am.

i've figured out something about myself.

you know the age old stupid question of, "would you rather be with someone who (a: you love more than she loves you?) or (b: loves you more than you could ever love her?)"

i guess if there's no real shocker here. i am choice (a).

however, in all fairness, i was never sure of that. now - i am. and man is that trait of mine killing me.

there's this latin phrase which i can't seem to remember right now - but it basically means "what feeds me also kills me" or something to that effect. i remember seeing it tattooed on angelina jolie. so if anyone knows the phrase - feel free - lemme know.

i guess that's it. i don't have anything thought provoking to say. so i'll leave it at this.

signing off, commonjack.

A hiatus.

it's 3.49 am.

a hiatus is in order. things have come to a boiling point and is now slowly steaming away. normalcy seems to be a thing of a past. normal is now different. guess this is the way it's gonna be from now on. either get used to it and function or face the same failures of the past.

thus, a hiatus is in order. certain things - i have no room for right now. so, a hiatus for 'those things' for now. maybe for a long while. cause, once i take 'those things' away - and i start to think about it - everything else, i can handle. it's not easy. but i can handle. but as for 'those things' - i haven't figured out how to handle yet.

so, if i don't know where to go, stay put. something will come.

the word is ... 'hiatus'.

Signing off, the common jack.

Alexander C has left the country.

it's 2.25 am.

and so it comes to pass that Alexander C aka Alex aka the cutest baby in the world (beat) has left the country.

i've been so preoccupied with my own shit - i totally forgot about it.

i knew that my brother wanted to ship his baby(& wife of course) off to live with him in Singapore some time soon. and i even made a mental note of the date. so when i came home for dinner today to see my brother, his wife & baby Alex - i didn't realise that the occasion was to bid farewell (in a sense). i mean, it's not like i'll never see baby Alex again - since my brother does intend to eventually return here...but you know...this is long term. they're gonna be there for a while...and we're talking in terms of 'years' here...oh well...

the fact is, i've grown more attached to the little bugger than i knew. i mean check it out - this kid is the 1st of the next generation of my family. should the rest of us in the family never pro-create and just die - this kid will be the only proof to existence that we once walked the earth and had lives. real ones.

that's quite a big deal.

so much so that i feel the phrase, "i'm his uncle" or "he's my nephew", really doesn't cut it. these phrases mean so much more than they seem to connote.

maybe it's because i'm in such a 'fragile' state right now (because of all the shit i'm going through) - and call me a wuss if you wanna - when i realised that i would no longer have the luxury of just walking over to see little Alex anymore - i felt a shiver down my spine*. if i was any weaker than i am, i might have shed a tear or 2.
*you know that shiver you feel in your spine right before you feel like crying - when the tears are kinda building up? that's the shiver i am referring to.

now, i'd have to check my schedule, get my passport, get a bus ticket from pudu, take a 4 to 5 hour bus ride - go to another country OR just wait till my parents decide to drive down - if i want to see little Alex.

on MARCH 4th, little Alex will be celebrating his 1st year on earth. and as much as i'd like to go down and celebrate it with him - i don't think i'd be able to. he's just started showing signs of wanting to walk. i've seen him take 4 to 5 baby steps at most before collapsing. :) it looks like i'll most certainly not be around to see him walk around proper.

oh well - i guess that just means i have more of an excuse to get out of the house and country now.

i'll see you seen Alex.

signing off, the common jack.

and he goes down.

it's 12.35 am.

so this is what it feels like when you go down.

i don't know what to say. i don't know how to explain it. i space out every now and then in the middle of a crowd - even if the crowd is made out of very good friends of mine. i'm not really thinking about anything. i don't know...

i watched this movie a few weeks ago - called Garden State (good movie btw, you should catch it if you have the chance) - there was a part in the movie (might be a spoiler - this part - so don't read if you're one of those types - though what i'll say next won't really spoil the movie in essence for ya) - so anyway, there was this part in the movie where the main guy reveals something fr his past, like a deep dark secret and a period of silence followed. so the main chick (played by Natalie Portman) then asked him, "You're in it right now aren't you? ..." then she goes on to explain wht she means, "...it's like after you say something that's kinda big and deep, then your mind starts to wander off - thinking about it ... and my Mum used to say that that's when you're in it. And you're in it now aren't you?"

i guess that is one way to describe my state of mind now. i'm in it. and i haven't been able to snap out of it for a while now.

i think i've changed again. i've been permanently altered. my presensce isn't the same anymore. i had a drink with a friend the other day when i was feeling particularly low - and she could tell right off that there was something that was really bothering me.

i don't laugh as hard now. i don't feel as much now. it's numbness. melancholy is perhaps a good word to describe it.

oh well. i guess essentially its that i feel alone. but hey - like my brother says - we're all gonna be alone at some point in our lives. sometimes longer than is necessary - that's why we've gotta be comfortable with ourselves. is that my problem then? i'm not comfortable with myself?

it's hard to think in this state of mind. guess i'll just stop here.

signing off, the melancholy common jack.

Lets all say it together...

it's 7.09 pm.

come now, let us all say it together.

shit happens.

one more time! - shit happens.

all toghether now...nice and loud - SHIT HAPPENS!

it's an uncanny ability to have ie to be able to function when you feel like crap. i suppose there are different levels of crapness. and this is by far - one of the higher levels of crap that i've ever had to motherfukin take. so it's now a test of my strength.

the question is, "can i function through all this nonsense?"

at the moment, i don't feel a positive reaction to all the nonsense at all. i guess, for the moment at least, that answers the damn question.

signing off, the common jack amongst the kings and queens...

how you get to where i'm at.

it's 2.40 am.

i shall now proceed to tell ya 10 steps of how you get to where i'm at. (brace yourselves, this'll be a long one.)

1. you start off with good intentions. no real BIG ambitions per se. you just want to do good for yourself as well as others. having no real idea how to go about doing this, you decide to use 'doing the right thing' as a guide - striving for some form of idealistic way of life. the utopian ideals being the highest of the standard being strived for.

2. as you go along - fall in love. fall in love truly and inexplicably. i shall call this 'pure blind love' aka PBL. you know how some people can explain why it is they've fallen in love with someone? well, when you're dealing with PBL, there's no explanation. there's no rational explanation to why you would be willing to do absolutely everything for this person you've fallen in PBL for. there is nothing you can say to justify all the feelings you feel for this other person. it's inexplicable. it just 'is'.

this is where when if one person were to ask you why you're in love with this girl - you would say - "i don't know why. i just do." - and then (you might not realise it at the time) - this PBL has actually provided you with an energy that'll continue to flow within you for the rest of your life. it'll continue to inspire you. it'll continue to feed you. it'll be a part of you. anyone who knows you well enough will know that there's this energy in you. that's what PBL does to you - like a permanent aspect of you that has changed you forever.

3. afterwards, you realise that even PBL can be unrequited for whatever reasons. the person you feel PBL for doesn't feel the same. it's ok. life goes on. armed with the energy PBL has given you - you feel that you have an edge on life or at the very least feel that you'll be ok. whatever happens - you'll be ok.

4. so, now you focus on what to do with your life. finding something you enjoy, tryin to identify what makes you tick. you try a few things. look into a few other things. then try to make the most 'rational' and reasonable choice. hoping that if something is rational and totally reasonable - then you can't go wrong right? WRONG. (there's no such thing as something that can't go wrong. everything can go wrong. it's the nature of life. - like i always say - shit happens, deal with it.)

5. but havin made that decision, you stick to your guns and look to it as a means to an end. just do whatever you can and get it over with. but being earnest and filled with good intentions - you make an attempt to do the best you can.

6. however, you then lose the motivation. you lose concentration. you lose the will to stay in it. this is where you realise that something has gone WRONG and you get all f**ked up about it. you totally lose it. and you fail.

a period of 'lostness' follows. but eventually you claw your way back to wanting to just get it over with. and thus, you start all over again.

7. in starting all over again, you fall in love again. but it's different this time. this time, it's not PBL anymore. this time - it makes absolute complete sense. it just hits you like a tonne of bricks and you go, "shit! i cannot believe i didn't realise this earlier!...wow..."

the pieces of the puzzle all fall down in the right place. they form a perfect picture. it's beautiful.

8. then you realise that even something that makes complete sense - can go wrong. so you walk away with all these feelings. but knowing that that's as far as it'll go. that's it. you'll feel f**ked. but that's the way it is. after all - shit happens, tough - deal with it.

9. and then you proceed to watch everything else that you thought was stable and was your base fall and crumble into ruins. and realising that there is nothing you can really do about it but watch.

10. but then again, you find yourself still standing. you're still there. alone. but you're still there. you're not dead (not really). you're not really sure where you are - but you're not that lost either. it could be described as a state of limbo. but that makes it sound very cliched and maybe worse than it really is? i don't know. i'm not really sure.

you're basically left with this basic question, "so...what now?"
___________________________________________________________________

there it is. 10 steps to get to where i'm at. not very hard. it happens quite quickly actually. one day you wake up and it hits you and then you blink your eyes and shake your head and go, "fuck...so - what now?"

signing off, the common jack amongst the kings and queens...

Bad Day.

it's 5.30 pm.

it's been a bad day. i won't go on to disseminate what it is that went wrong today. because, i'm just not that type of blogger but also because 'nothing in particular' went wrong today. meaning to say, it's not that my computer went kaput, or that i had car problems, or that i had a fight with someone etc.

but it's been a bad day in the sense that when i woke up this morning - i didn't really expect anything to happen. good or bad. i suppose i was probably hoping on something good. but didn't really put much thought into it. then things in general have happened today (once again - nothing really specific) but nothing 'good' in that sense of the word - i guess a better way of putting it would be to say that nothing today has happened(thus far) that's naturally put a smile on my face.

so here i am - in the midst of menial household chores - feeling like crap.

this sucks. i'm out.

signing off, the common jack amongst the kings and queens...

what can i say? shit happens. deal with it.

it's 2.58 am.

here's something i wrote a few days ago...it's called "...stated in bold..."

These bags under my eyes,
They don't lie,
they tell of many tears cried,
and stories of sleepless nights,

Their dark shade speaks of innocence that has given up the fight,
and where the wings of men have been clipped - thus unable to take flight,

Their depth show of sorrow unbroken,
shouting out in silence of words unspoken,
causing immense throes of woe that feels neverending,

They are accessories to eyes that carry deep and heavy thoughts,
they help support eyes that are weary and no longer see the hopes and dreams of the past,

They are bags of burden, these bags under my eyes ...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
here's something i just wrote a mere few minutes ago...it's called "A Tear Drop"

A tear drop for pain,
A tear drop for sorrow,
I'm shedding tears for all the joy I won't have tomorrow,

A tear drop to mark farewell,
A tear drop reluctantly follows,
These are endless tears of grief that will be left untold,

A tear drop that's dried up,
A tear drop that's wiped off,
Let not these tears plague me again tomorrow.

Signing off, the common jack amongst the kings and queens...

Edgar Allen Poe.

it's 1.44 pm.

one of my favs. junoesque ( http://junoesque.blogspot.com/ ) properly introduced me to this one.

The Raven By Edgar Allan Poe

http://ravensbranch.allen.com/poem.html

have a read if u like.

sigining off, common jack(not doing too good these days) amongst the kings and queens...

still wish you were dead?

it's 8.25 pm.

i guess - at this age - we are fast approaching that time in our lives where we all feel a little bummed somehow. it's inevitable. i mean - when i was a kid (kid meaning below the age of 18) - i used to look at the lives my older brothers had or just older friends and it looked so exciting. it looked so much more inviting than going to school for the better part of the day and studying for exams.

mobility would improve as you get your driving license. and the license is like a key to a whole new realm of possibilities. now, going to town wouldn't be a chore that involved a full weeks worth of planning beforehand - i can just pick up and leave if i really wanted / needed to. that's huge.

then, there was always more money - (well, it looked like the older people always had more money) - there were women, meeting new people, sex...i mean - wow. i couldn't wait.

but then we all get here. and then we get bummed. because of all that promise of how cool it would be to be a grown up just doesn't play up to what it is realistically - life is realistically depressing that way innit?

so you start feeling depressed and start looking for something new to look forward to. we all try to find something that gives us the same buzz the 'promise of how cool it would be to be a grown up used to give to us'. it's like a drug and we're all addicted to this one.

however, of course shit doesn't work out a lot because - well - that's just the way it is. and then we start getting depressed and we start saying shit like, "I wish I was dead."

now - there are many responses to that phrase. the most cliched stuff like - "there's always someone who's got it worse", "the grass is always greener on the other side", "life is a wondrous gift..." etc.

as true of false - up to you to decide - these cliched statements are... i get tired of hearing these things being said sometimes. when someone says stuff like that to me, i fight the urge to say, "DUH! - i know that shite!" ...

recently, i watched a crap movie where the same stuff is said but put forward differently ... (btw, this is the whole point of this blog entry...enjoy.)

THE SETTING:
woman is depressed over her sister's tragic murder. she meets sister's boyfriend who knows what happened to the sister.

they go to the site of the murder and woman starts to sob and says, "god, i wish i were dead! WAA!!!"

dead sis's boyfriend says, "you don't mean that. think about your sister..."

woman says, "NO! NO! i don't care...i just want to lay down here and die! WAAA!!!"

dead sis's boyfriend says, "you know what? you need to hear this. she(dead sis) was brought here. right to this very spot. she was brought here in a car kicking and screaming. she was surrounded by 4 men. here is where they hit her, raped her and then stabbed her 53 times when she didn't just lay down and took it.

she clawed at them. she slapped them. she struggled and even shot one of them in the foot with one of their guns. she screamed in their faces. she gave them scars. she kicked and hit back whenever she could. she gave it all till she couldn't give anything anymore. even when she was being stabbed. she continued to struggle. she didn't stop until her body gave out on her.

she did all this because this life(any life) is worth fighting for. no matter how bad it gets. it's worth fighting for. and she fought for it!

why shouldn't you?"

dead sis's boyfriend pauses for a while and stares woman down as she absorbs all that he's said...and he continued, "still wish you were dead?"

THE END.

oh well - that's it.

signing off, the common jack amongst the kings and queens...

Beer tastes like crap.

it's 3.57 am.

i'm chugging down my 1st bottle right now. it's carlsberg ice beer. i wanted to just get a 6 pack or something. but there wasn't any there at the 7-eleven. i grabbed 3 bottles of carlsberg ice beer simply because they were at eye level and within reach.

and beer tastes like crap.

but here i am - just parked outside my house less than 5 minutes ago - and i've already finished my 1st bottle. in fact, dropping the last few drops now. head is already feeling slightly heavy. i'm not drunk. nope. wish i had the money to buy enough beer to get drunk right now. but nope, only had enough to buy 3 bottles. not the big ones either - just the standard 325ml ones.

i'm just hoping that if i chug them down quickly - then i'd get high.

gosh - feel like crap now - but i can still type - looks like spending money on the 3 beers has been a waste of good money. feel like crying. but nothing's coming out. i'm only halfway through my 2nd bottle now. well - kinda. maybe by the 3rd one - i'll start bawling. who knows? i remember once - all i had was one fucking bottle of carl's reserve and i started to burst like a fucking damn. maybe that's it - maybe i need another carl's reserve.

fuck it. i'm not going out for more beer. shit - it tastes like crap.

but i'm feeling it a little more now. excellent. i'm not drunk yet. i won't get drunk. not with just a measely 3 freakin bottles. but it'll have to do.

i can't seem to bring myself to chug down the last half of my 2nd bottle. i'm no drinker. never was. fucking beer tastes like shit. ah wht the hell -

ahhhh... one more freaking quarter left of my 2nd bottle. then i'll move on to the 3rd bottle. then i won't be drunk. but maybe i'll be high enough to cry? do i need to cry? maybe i'll be high enough to not think? maybe i'll be high enough to not care anymore. yeah...maybe that will happen. wtf am i doing? why am i even typing this shit out?

who the fuck careS? i'll finish the last quarter of the 2nd bottle now...

took me a good minute or 3 but i finished the last quarter of my 2nd bottle. head heavier now. not drunk - but having to type a single word a few times before i get it right. hey ... guess tht means its working. dont feel like crying yet though. maybe the 3rd bottle will get me there.

i was actually considering keeping the 3rd bottle for a rainy day. but wht the hell...i'm gonna finish it now.

fuck - spilt a little bit. gimme a sec. i get some tissue.


holy shit - i just caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror - i'm as red as freaking christmas tree...or i think more like red like christmas tree lights...haha...you know wht i freaking mean.

shit - beer tastes like crap! i'm not even halfway through my 3rd bottle yet. wht a freaking useless drinker. haha. but my head is feeling more heavy now. i still don't feel like crying. well - guess the beer isn't helping then. oh well.

i just forced myself to drink till there's only half left. i usually don't drink beer this fast. i wonder if i'll end up puking. i've never puked cause of drinking before. me being the dependable fucker who doesn't get too drunk. who never gets too drunk. the guy who's never puked because of drnking before. i think the last time i puked was probably 5 yrs ago - and i was really really sick then. docs thought i had freaking denggi. almost got admitted too. then they told me tht i jsut had a really high fever.

maybe i should just delete this entry? ah what the hell - i'm never foolish - lets be foolish for once. why not right?

friends .... those of you reading this...you';re gonna feel compelled to call me...to leave a coomment...to send me an email....

let me pls ask this of you - and pls honour this request.

DOn't.

just read this and know tht at one point in time - ie at this time - i feel like crap. and its ok ... whts life if you never feel crap every now and again. it ain't all flowers and daisies right? and relatively speaking ... i guess i've had it good. i mean. yeah i guess i've had it good. there's always something to complain about. but i wont. now now.

oh wow...i'm really getting a little high now. chugging this shit down is getting me there.

fuck - everytime i chug down a few gulps - i feel like i'm gonna puke. i'm really fucking gulping this crap down. it's freaking 4.24 am now. i'm gonna finish this 3rd bottle and just go to bed. iu still don't feel like crying at all. i was hoping the beer would help. oh well.

its weird - just a while ago - i was floating on air. now i'm trying to get high enough to cry.

argh! i keep on pressing the start button. there i go agiamn.

i notice the wrong spelling - nbut i'm not gonna fix ttht. just so tht the nexyt time i come online and read this - i can know tht i was really fucked up when i wrote this.

there's about just a little more than a quarter left, my stomache is startign to feel a little funny. but no....i'm gonna finish it.

i just went to look myself in the mirror - i look quite scary. getting high woint change anything. i'll still feel like crap tomorrow. lets jsut hoipe that this doesnt become a ritual.

hahha;....shit ... i just slid off the chair..

there's just less than a quarter left. i tried to finish it. but i couldnt. beer tastes like crap.
'

thank god i dont have class tomorrow.

hey...i'll sign into msn... haha...there's noone i'd like to talk to on my list right now. so i'll just leave it...

fuck....just one or 2 more small chugs left. then i'll be done. maybe i should have just stayed at 2 bottles.

man...i'm really red now. this is so stupid. why am i doign this ?


great. i' ve finished it./



ok. i'm out.

signing off --- the fucking common jack a,pmgst thje kings and queens.../

feeling depressed?

it's 8.40 pm.

feeling low? rather depressed?
well, get a beer, have a lie down ... it gets worse.

when you start thinking that it can't get any worse - it does. if you believe that all the shit has already gone down and the worst is over - take a good look around baby - it ain't over till the fat lady sings and the bad news is that she's been missing for a while and nobody knows where the hell she's at.

so what can you do when life gets that way?

i always thought that if shit happens - well - it happens. you can't stop it. it's something that you can't control. i try not to even worry about it. when it happens - there's only one thing to do - you try your best to overcome the situation and if that's not good enough - you try again. that's really all there is to do.

you could of course decide to get all fucked up and just scuff everything and be like, "it's all shit anyway ... so why bother?" ... but that's just stupid. really - that's just stupid.

so i've made it a point to try and do the right thing as far as i possibly can. but it's getting tiring. i hoped that cumulatively - doing the right thing will get me somewhere / something ... but here i am and i've got NUTs.

i guess it's true - good guys do finish last eh? or maybe i'm NOT that good after all. ah well - who the fuck knows? i don't really care anymore.

to be honest, i'm a little sick of being me at the moment. good or bad - i don't care anymore. don't i sound like a conceited self absorbed son of a bitch right now? hell yeah i do. and i don't give a damn! woo hoo!

so out of all this god awful rambling - what can i really say? what do i really know?

well - i know that tomorrow - i'll wake up.

i'll do whatever it is i need to do or whatever that comes up or maybe even not do anything at all...

then i'll eventually go to sleep and then wake up again and the cycle will continue till the day God decides, "ENOUGH. THAT'S IT."

things might change. it might change cause of me or cause of something else.

i just feel like shit now.

later.

signing off, the common jack amongst the kings and queens...

YOU win.

it's 2.55 am. this is a sequel to the YOU entry.

YOU win. YOU happy now? i give up. you were right and i was wrong. i'm no extraordinary person - i'm just that little guy who's just not good enough no matter how hard i try. i'm just mediocre. to be anything more than that - i'd have to put in quintuple the effort than that of a regular joe.

i used to think i was 'all that' and a bag of chips. now i'm not even sure if i'm 'all that'.

YOU told me all this. YOU said i've never proven otherwise. everytime i try to prove otherwise - YOU tell me the same thing.

so, here i am proving YOU right. YOU're right. i give up.

YOU happy now?

signing off, common jack amongst the kings and queens...

Happy New Year 2005.

it's 2.15 pm. Jan 2nd 2005.

first off, let us not forget - that this year has started off with trying to recover from a bang of a disastrous kind. mother nature gave us all a big kick in the balls.

so as the few of us go on with life as usual - don't forget that many people out there have lost everything.

so, whatever religion you practise and in whatever way you speak to God, do so at least once NOT for yourself but for the people who have lost. may they get the strength to survive the tragedy, the will to overcome death and help should they be unable to muster the strength and will.

a moment of silence please.

thank you.
_________________________________________________________________
now, the new year has begun. it's 2005.

let me just say so long to 2004 and good riddance!

it was a bad year. with more downs than ups and if i received scars for each and every down i've experienced last year - it'd have been a collection of scars that by far exceeds every other year. so 2004 - fuck you. this time, no censoring - cause i really mean it. 2004 - fuck you.

i won't talk about all the downs i've been dealt with last year cause it's over. and it's just redundant talking about them lah.

but despite all the dirt - some diamonds have been unearthed. the things i will be doing from hereonin are so different from previous years.

all of sudden, this year i'm a kickboxing instructor. who'd have thought?

i've got VTC - Victorian Theater Company - of which i'm a part of and the people there are all helping me become a better actor. and hopefully - sometime in the middle of this year - we (as in the members of VTC) will put on a show that we can be proud of.

being in college is the expected thing. i'm not gonna talk about this one. i know what i have to do with regards to college. so that's the end of the 'college' discussion.

i don't really have much to say right now except - for the last time - 2004: goodbye and good riddance.

to the rest of y'all - have a good year.

signing off, the common jack amongst the kings and queens.

soldier.

it's 3.50 am. merry Xmas.

if you think about it, you would envy the life of a soldier. really.

basically, a soldier gets sent to boot camp. he goes through basic training. his sole purpose is to train himself to be the best he can be. eliminate weakness as best he can and exploit his own talents to his own advantage. the best ones get chosen to lead. the rest follow.

when he gets out of boot camp and begins his 'service' - if there's a war - he'll be sent to wherever the war is at. this is where the training is put to practical use. in a war, if you don't overcome your own weaknesses - you die. however, if you do overcome, conquer and rise above your weaknesses and become a better soldier - you get promoted in the ranks.

at the end of your 'service' - assuming you survive all the wars and politics. you retire. you take it easy. you reflect. and then you rest in peace.

that's life isn't it? in a nutshell - that's life.

but lets take this metaphor a step further.

lets take a 'soldier' and a 'politician'.

the soldier's life is the one i would want. your purpose is simpler. the BIG plan is up to the politicians. as a soldier, i carry out all my orders to the best of my abilities provided the basic principle of why i became a soldier is kept in view.

meaning to say - using the 'soldier' metaphor. if i became a soldier because i want to serve my country. because i want to protect my home. because i want to rid the world of tyranny. as long as the orders i am given are in line with objectives like that. i will follow. if something is 50/50 - i carry my orders out cause as a soldier - that is what i signed up for.

BUT - i believe in the notion of an IDEALISTIC soldier. if at the end of the day, all my orders did not lead to any of my objectives. that is when i will put a stop to the bad orders. or just not carry them out anymore.

but it's easy to say that by doing that - i am promoting terrorism innit?

there's no easy way to describe what i'm trying to articulate here or possibly i lack the level of articulation required at this point.

but lemme attempt to do so - if you know the movie GLADIATOR. MAXIMUS, the character played by Russel Crowe. that is the soldier i aspire to be. a leader among soldiers. none of the politics. no bullshit. he served ROME because he believed in what ROME was trying to do. ROME wanted to unite the world in all its differences to become one. he believed ROME strived for greatness and wanted to share that greatness with the world.

in doing so, he believed he helped make the world a better place. it made the world a better place for his child. for his wife. for his family. for everyone's child, wife and family.

and if he did his job well. if he executed orders efficiently. then he could go home to his family safe in the knowledge that the world is a better place. he didn't NEED to be the leader. if there was someone more qualified and willing to take the helm - he would be willing to let that other take leadership. he became the leader because he was confident in himself and he was sure that he could do it. not out of ego. it was just belief.

he became a leader amongst soldiers because he himself was a soldier and he knew what the other soldiers wanted. and he stayed their leader for as long as they had faith in him. as he had faith in himself.

that's it. i am a simple man. i just want to go to boot camp. i just want to train myself to become a better man. the best that i can be. if i am good, i will be recognised for it without asking for the recognition. i wish to graduate out to the world and put my training to practical use. and climb ranks. and not die. but rise above and continually learn to become a better man. i seek to be a leader among soldiers. i want to have faith in myself. and hopefully, it'll all fall into place.

i am no politician. i am soldier.

that's it.

sigining off, the common jack amongst the kings and queens.

pray tell...

it's 3.30 am. i'm not asleep yet.

here's some stuff i've read but never really 'got' ie 'understood' lah. but i thought they were quite cool nevertheless. so, if you have any ideas. please, pray tell...

1st one:
one describes a tale best by telling the tale. you see? the way one describes a story, to oneself or to the world, is by telling the story. it is a balancing act and a dream.
the more accurate the map, the more it resembles the territory.
the most accurate map possible would be the territory, and thuswould be perfectly accurate and perfectly useless.

the tale is the map and that is the territory.
you must remember this.

so what was that about? :)

2nd one: i understand this one lah - but i thought i'd share it with ya...
people are in the dark, they don't know what to do,
i had a little lantern, oh but it got blown out too.
i'm reaching out my hand. i hope you are too.
i just want to be in the dark with you.
- George Brown, "In the Dark"

you know anyone you'd like to be in the dark with? :)

3rd one:
he said the dead had souls, but when i asked him how that could be - i thought the dead were souls, he broke my trance.
don't that make you suspicious that there's something the dead are keeping back?
yes, there's something the dead are keeping back.
- Robert Frost, "Two Witches".

i guess this one is pretty self explanatory but i can't help thinking that i'm missing something from this. :)

anyway, this is just me wasting some time lah.

btw, these 'quotes' are taken from the book AMERICAN GODS. a good book.

later.

signing off, the common jack amongst the kings and queens.

Not so random thoughts.

it's 2.09 am.

the quickest way to kill a Miracle would be to ask it "why, when, who, where and how?"
by asking a Miracle any question - you are stepping on it, throwing it to the ground and with each question you'd be driving a wondrous gift of life farther into the ground.

as strong and miraculous a Miracle is - questions have a kryptonite effect and a Miracle can and will die.

it happens all the time. think about it, when something bad happens - one would immediately exclaim, "WHY ME?" so perhaps it is only fair to say that when something good happens - one would ask, "why me?"

however, there are many things that we have no idea about in this world. that being said - it is perhaps prudent not to take things without question all the time. but then again, sometimes you can.

"like in the movies..."
another random thought.

i met a guy the other day. he was talking about how he knew he was in love. he had been dating her for a while. he got to know her. she got to know him. they got together. he knew he really liked her. and he guessed that she felt the same way. but he didn't know whether this was 'it'. whether this relationship would be something more than the rest he's had before.

however, one day, he was out with some of his friends. he wasn't planning on seeing his girlfriend on that day. but out of the blue - he sensed something and he turned around and he saw her(his girlfriend). she was with her own friends. as he watched her, everything else seemed to slowly fade into the background and time stood still. as she walked, oblivious to him looking at her, he noticed little details of her that he never really thought of before.

he couldn't seem to articulate the moment to me very well. he said the best way to describe it would be to say that it is like in the movies. when the guy sees the chick for the first time and everything moves in slow motion and the music plays in the background.

he told me that he didn't believe in love at first sight but now he does believe in truly seeing someone for the first time. and he 'saw' her. it never happened with anyone else before. and he doubt it will ever happen with anyone else. that's how he knew he was in love.

he said that he could just close his eyes and that moment could be replayed in his head.

sweet story eh? (either that - or you'd be thinking that it's a load of crap lah.)

but i gave it the benefit of a doubt. i thought about it myself. has it ever happened to me before? and i thought to myself - "hey, i think it did happen to me once." so maybe it's not all bullshit. :)

well, enough random thoughts lah. laters.

signing off, the common jack amongst the kings and queens.

the BIG picture.

it's 3.18 am. people tend to miss the BIG picture. the dream. the whole point of doing something, everything and anything! the BIG picture. we sometimes totally miss it, even when it is on fire and there's a big frame encompassing it painted in bright colours.

it's sad but true. we have a wide peripheral vision but there are blind spots and we are most definitely missing out sometimes.

i don't claim to be a man who gets it all the time. but i do indeed dare say that i endeavour not to miss it to the best of my abilities. after all, that's all we can do. many times in life, shit will happen. and because of that, some people just lose it. and totally lose sight of the 'bigger picture'.

i totally agree that some f*ck-ups are irreparable and that sometimes the bigger picture can be lost. however, i do not believe that the bigger picture is something that is so easily shaken. many times, the bigger picture is still there despite all of the f*ck-ups. and it is still attainable but people don't see it. they miss it. and it all becomes one big cluster of a shit situation.

see - when shit happens - as it will most definitely -(life i s realistically depressing in that sense)- then as far as i can tell, there's only one thing to do then. that is to make the best out of a bad situation. and i truly believe that more often than not, the big picture will still materialise. perhaps not in the way one would have expected but it will happen.

if i was being truly positive here, i would even go as far as to say that the BIG picture is always there. no matter what happens. it's always there. even if you keep screwing up. it's a mantle that will forever be raised above the water, above the chaos and it will survive even armaggeddon.

but let's be real here. there are lots of BIG pictures out there. and sometimes - when something really shitty happens. the BIG picture's gone and you might not even remember what it looked like in the 1st place. take for instance if X was in love with Y. and the BIG picture for X was always that he would fall in love with Y. he would marry her. he would love her with all his heart. he would stay alive for as long as he could just so that he could spend one more night holding her as they slept. this was the BIG picture for him.

this BIG picture can die. it can fall off its mantle. it can drown in the flood. if Y were to simply say that she didn't love him and that she never would.

i'm sure there are many other types of examples. but let me stick to my guns here and say that it takes a lot to kill off the BIG picture most of the time. always try to make the best out of a bad situation. life's too short not to. and if you think you're gonna live forever, well then it simply makes more sense to make the best out of a bad situation rather than to react badly to an already bad situation.

open your eyes. look at the BIG picture.

signing off, the common jack amongst the kings and queens.

*Shock!*, *Horror!*...

it's 5.50 pm. today, i've decided to write something very much UNlike the rest of my previous blog entrie on my older blog site and this one.

this entry may indeed induce some of you into a state of "*Shock!*, *Horror!*...". thus, read on at your on risk.

GUYs, please your woman. really. it'll be good for her and it'll be good for you. the best gift is a gift you give to another. (check it out, selfless me.) the following will be an extract from an article that came across my path just a few days ago...(note: this is for the guys...) ladies, you may of course read this and agree or disagree. :) *i suspect this entry may raise some eyebrows.*

guys,

think 'erotic massage'.

think of it as a 'sensual gift' rather than foreplay which, from wht i hear, most women complain that men know next to nothing about oR if they do know OF it - don't seem to practice it enough.

the following techniques (apparently - according to wht i read), work best if 'she' lies back with ther legs apart and 'you'(the guy) kneel in btwn them. put pillows under her knees and let her legs open naturally.

have massage oil and water based lubricant within reach. (they may come in useful...) but noTe, don't use oil on the genitals as it may alter the delicate balance of the vagina and cause thrush. (interesting eh? lol)

strokin' the thighs:
performed 1st, the aim of this technique is to let her vagina lubricate and open - like encouraging a flower bud to blossom...(what a metaphor eh? lol - stolen fr the article i'm readin' - i'm not thT creative.)
1. alternating btwn your palms and fingertips, brush the inside of her thights. start at the ankles, brushing over her genitals, then move to her breasts, circling around them. repeat several times!
2. stroke her pubic hair and genital area using soft , gentle motinos. use your fingers to gently stroke her outer labia, keeping a consistent rhythm. don't start stimulating the inner labia(vaginal lips) until the outer labia is open.

in other words - go slow lah.

awakening the clitoris:
aim is to massage and warm the entire genital area, *awakening* the clitoris and encouraging natural lubrication.
1. lie next to her or kneel btwn her legs - using the knuckles of your 1st 2 fingers, knead the outer labia lips, moving backwards and forwards. you're kneading, not pinching, and working downwards, massaging the whole labia with a firm but gentle pressure.
2. move down towards the anus, then start at the top again. you can use your thumb and index finger if that feels more comfortable.

the 2 finger stroke:
this technique is the easiert and simplest way to give her pleasure.
1. rest your thumb and index finger at the top of her vagina(the end where the clitoris is). rotate your fingers around the rop of the clitoris(still covered by its protective hood at this point - bet some of you fellas didn't know there was a protective hood to begin with eh? lol), then move your fingers downwards. massage and roll evenly, rubbing up and down on either side of the vagina and settling into an even rhythm.
2. gently caress the outer and inner labia with your fingertips, teasing them to open up. move the tips of your fingers in a circular motion, travelling around the inner lips before gently parting the labia.
3. once opened, the clitoris will reveal itself fr beneath the clitoral hood and become erect and prominent. she's readu for more direct clitoral stimulation when she opens her legs wider, pushes firmly against your hand or raises her pelvis off the bed.

rock around the clock:
it's useful to imagine a clock dial surrounding the vaginal area: the top being 12 o'clock and the lowest point being 6 o'clock.
1. using only the tip of your finger, slowly move around the clitoris in a circular motion, but nOT directly on it.
2. continue the circular motion down the length of her vagina, alternating with stroking and teasing withyour fingertips.
3. move back to the clitoris and circle directly over it with your fingertip. some women down't like direct clitoral stimulation, so check which area feels best when stimulated - using the clock as a guide.
4. try pulling the clitoris btwn the 2 fingers. it's not actually possible to get a grip of it, but the pulling motion feels sensational! (so the article says...)

AND finally, entering the garden:
this is a double action stroke that works on the G-spot and clitoris simultaneously to bring most women to orgasm.
1. insert 1(or 2) fingers into her well lubricated vagina, curving them around so you're working on the front wall(imagine you're aiming upwards to her stomach). hold your finger still for a few seconds - she may move against it, but don't apply pressure until she feels comfortable.
2. move into a "come here" motion, as if you're beckoning someone with your finger. the G-spot is roughly the size of a large pea and feels textured. when aroused, it fills with blood and becomes more sensitive. some women might find their 1st stimulation of the G-spot distinctly uncomfortable or they may feel like they're about to urinate(there's a direct nerve connection with the bladder). encourage her to relax into the sensation of the G-spot because the feeling will pass.
3. don't press hard constantly - a gentle, beckoning motion is usually far more 'pleasurable'. try a zig-zag motion across the clitoris or massage in and out so your fingers are passing over the G-spot without concentrating on it too directly.
4. with your other hand, "rock around the clock" circling the clitoris with your finger or thumb as she's about to orgasm.
5. some women like a flat-surfaced vibrator on their clitoris during G-spot stimulation.

AND that's it.

but above all, remember there's no right or wrong way to perform these techniques. it's not a cooking lesson; you don't need the above printed out in front of you to refer to! i think that might be quite a 'turn-off'. lol.

i believe the act of sex is not something that should be taboo. i believe it to be a wonderful, beautiful and magnificent experience and i don't mean that in a perverted way.

there's so much to say on this subject isn't there? but there's nothing that comes to mind right now that may be something any of us hasn't already heard 10 million times.

so there...

signing off, the common jack amongst the kings and queens.

I've got Issues.

it's 12.05 am. i have reached a conclusion.

i've got issues. big deal lah ... who hasn't? like i say at the top of this damn blog - "shit happens - tough - deal with it" - but i suppose i just feel like venting. and what is the damn blog for if i don't vent every once in a while eh? so i'm gonna vent.

i get moody every once in a while. big deal lah - who doesn't? and i'm not even gonna try and justify this - like i said - i'm venting. moody-ness hits me like a (thinking of a good metaphor) ... okok - rephrase: moody-ness is a little chunk of stone that's hanging on a very thin thread that's at the back of my mind. sometimes the thread gives way and falls deeper into my subconscious and i will find myself thinking about it even when i don't want to.

i get moody about not any 'one specific' thing in particular. when i get moody - it's because i'm depressed with the whole picture. (taking another stab at sounding profound here) my life feels like ball of yarn unravelling as each day goes by. some days - i have good days - i get my shit together and my yarn becomes slightly fuller again. i'm having fewer good days as of late.

"lisha" asked me about my poem i put up several days ago - "is the angst of YOU directed at anyone in particular?" - i didn't answer. i'll answer now; of course it is. and i'll leave you to guess who that person is. won't take a genius to figure it out. in fact - the nature of my some of my problems are so f*ckin classic & cliched that this very fact pisses me off more and drives me further down that road of moody-ness.

however, in a nutshell, i think i suddenly fall into pangs and pits of moody-ness because i'm starting to doubt myself. maybe i'm not such a hotshot. i've got something to prove to myself. and the fact that expectations(of others) are riding on me proving to myself that i can do 'any-fukin-thing' i want - doesn't really help. so really - i have no room to doubt myself. i can't waste brain power and sleepless nights thinking about it.

i got to just bloody do it. or give up on some of the 'things' that i'm doing now.

classic case of passion and priorities. wouldn't it be nice to live in a world where those 2 "P" words meant the same thing? ("shit happens - tough - deal with it.") i hate it when my own life philosophies fly directly at my face.

life's too short to waste time and effort on things you're not passionate about - and life's too short for one not to finish off matters of priority either. so what is one left with? a freakin' epistemological void - is what it is. (could be wrong in usage of this BIG word - but you know what? - bite me.)

sometimes the pressure and moodyness hits me and affects me to the point where i end up not doing either well. and that shit's just bad. no excuses. which leaves me to a few conclusions actually...

1. i might have to give something up. (and i hate giving up on anything.)
2. i've got issues. (who doesn't?)
3. maybe i'm going at everything all wrong.

we'll see how this pans out as this little adventure moves further along.

later.

signing off, the common jack amongst the kings and queens.

Friends.

it's 12.10 pm. i figured i'd write something more hopeful or less depressing. :) so, this is dedicated to all my real friends out there (even if you never read this)...

sometimes, when you lose yourself. you wonder why would people want to associate with you. heck even you yourself don't feel like associating with yourself.

it is times like that when the classic stuff happens - like drinking yourself silly hoping to forget yourself for a while. or you go ahead and do something crazy to get that adrenaline rush just to take your mind off things. some people resort to drugs. personally, i like to go running or playing some form of sport.

i used to run when i was really stressed out. jog. sprint. till i couldn't do it anymore. then i would come home. upon reaching home, if i still find that i have some more energy left - i'd do push ups, sit ups, etc... just to really tire myself out so that i'd be too tired to even think. so that the first thing that comes to mind would be the most practical solution to whatever that was stressing me out. 'cause i'd be too tired to think about doing other 'useless' things. well - it works for me.

these days, i get to go for kickboxing to release that stress. that helps.

anyway, getting back to the subject at hand. at the end of the day, good company of people i'm comfortable with and whom are loyal to me really helps to cap off the whole road to recovery. among other things, that's what friends are for.

i mean, when i'm having problems and i don't even feel like associating with myself - it helps when my friends still want to associate with me. :)

but when you're really down - you get to a point when you think you don't deserve the friends you have. and you might be right. however, here's the thing, friendships don't just happen in a blink of an eye. although it feels like that's the way it happens sometimes. friendships is a form of relationship that develops. it's a living organism. it has a life of its own. it grows and dies and is reborn sometimes. it changes and transforms. with some people, you don't need that much time for all these things to happen whilst with others - it takes time. you know how it is - sometimes you've known this one person for years and 5 years later - you find yourself closer to that one person(out of the blue). it happens.

my point is- even you feel you don't deserve the friendship of such wonderful people because the part of you (that you believe that person made friends with) has changed - it doesn't matter. you already have it (the friendship).

i just heard this line today, "It doesn't matter how we got here; we're already here."

in other words, sometimes, it doesn't matter why or how 2 people become friends in the first place - so even if something in you has changed - regardless - if a bond is strong - then the friendship will grow or transform into something else (for better or for worse).

it won't die.

signing off, the common jack amongst the kings and queens.

Acting & Writing.

it's 2.35 am. once, quite a while ago, i tried to explain what it is i like about acting and writing. this is a lame attempt at trying to articulate this fascination i have with acting and writing. but for now, it'll have to do. here it is...

ACTING and WRITING.
Take your worst fear, your worst insecurity, your worst fault or even you worst frailty. Take something so terribly heinous about yourself and share it. And you suddenly discover a whole other angle to something that used to be such a thorn in your heart and soul. It was something so bad that you would never share it with anyone and if things went your way, nobody would know about it and it will die and go to the grave with you. And it will be as if it never happened.
In fact, many people do get their way. If the dead could talk, I cannot even imagine the skeletons that might be unveiled in some closets.
That is what I love about acting and writing.
When I watch a good movie. Chances are, it is good for me because of the story and a story is sometimes only as good as the characters in it ie the people involved. One can always spin out a good story but if nobody cares about the people involved, the meaning would be lost.
The greatest moment for me would be if I could write and create a story or character, or act as a character sharing a deep and dark secret. Imagine if I had killed someone. Whether or not it was an accident is somewhat irrelevant. How would I react to it? If I could get away with it without anyone knowing, would I? What would the next person do?
If I lived out the rest of my life doing good in the society, like making millions of ringgit and giving it all back to the people who really needed it. but after 30 years of doing 'good', what if the news of the death resurfaces? How would I react to it? What would the next person do?
If you knew me and had been working side by side with me for the past 25 years, would your opinion of me change? What if you've been witness to all the wonderfully 'good little things' I've done over years as well? What would you think of me then?
Acting is to me a medium to allow questions like this to arise and be examined. Writing a story like that and being able to capture the reality of it would be a tremendous thing as well. The examination of people and how we all are the way we are is such an exciting and is wonderfully fascinating to me.
Take away the money, politics, religion, 'pop-culture', mass hysteria, jealousy, greed, bad manners, etc - all of which are mere products or 'scenarios' that are essentially inconsequential and take a good proper look at the 'people' involved. Things that basically serve to exploit and expose the 'ugliness' of human nature and realize that these things are part and parcel of what makes a human beautiful as well. The beauty of being human or perhaps a better word at this point would be the beauty of being a 'person'.
I am never much in tune with what is going on in politics whether it be my very own country, in school, college, university or even the office. What I see and can assess from all the situations mentioned coupled with the 'ugliness' of human behaviour is what I base my decisions and actions on. Sometimes when you least expect it, out of all the 'ugliness' something 'beautiful' is born.
Like a child born out of rape who eventually grows up and becomes someone who saves someones life 30 years later. Like a soldier risking his life in a 'meaningless' war (about politics) and saving or even sparing lives at the risk of his own. Think of the police officer who refused to take a bribe on one particular day and inspires a kid to become that type of police officer who 'never' takes bribes years later when he becomes a police officer himself.
All the 'little things' that lead to something bigger.
If I had an opportunity to act or write any of the above. It would be a wonderful experience.

and that's it.

signing off, the common jack amongst the kings and queens.

giving up.

it's 12.15pm. i wrote this a few days ago on my little organiser. i decided to post it up. so here it is...

Giving Up.
This must be the worst feeling in the world. What happens when you give up? You get angry. You feel useless. There are no more possibilities. It's over. That's all she wrote. And that's it.
When it gets to that stage, you will feel drained. There's nothing that's within reach. Everything is a million miles away and the first step just takes too much and you don't even feel like the effort to take that step is worth it.
You lose hope.
It must be the worst feeling in the world. I believe I get my strength from my stubborness. I am stubborn. I refuse to believe that things are the way they are and that's that. I refuse to just 'accept' things and be done with it. I don't impose this stubborness on others. But I've come to realise that being like that makes other people feel uncomfortable sometimes because they would naturally feel 'pressured' in a sense.
That can't be helped. People are going to feel the way they are going to feel. I just have to keep doing what I believe I should do.
I'd rather keep knocking my head against a 10 foot wall than to give up. If it's a lost cause - I cannot let that affect me. I must keep going. Because giving up cannot be an option.
There's this whole thing with me and changes that I've gone through. I don't feel as strong as I used to be. I don't feel like I can take on the world now. And I was wondering what the hell went wrong. Now I know.
I gave up.
Plain and simple. I gave on certain aspects of my life. I started to accept things the way they were although that wasn't the way they were supposed to be. There are things in life that have to be accepted the way the are. But some things turn into something entirely different. They become shadows of what they're supposed to be. And these are the things I refuse to accept. However, I have.
That's why I've changed. I gave up.
It's the worst f**king feeling in the world.

signing off, the common jack amongst the kings and queens.

You.

it's 2.45 am.

You recognise me for my flaws and my faults,
You judge me for what I have not done,
You pre-judge me for what I intend to do,

You say that I am inadequate,
You believe me to be not naturally inclined towards greatness,
You explain to me that I just don't get 'it',

You tell me that you do not need to know me,
You think that anything more that what you have given me is unecessary,
You call me foolish for being me,

You can now do whatever You want,
You have now told me the way You want it to be,
and I will give it to You, because I have had enough of You.

signing off, the common jack amongst the kings and queens.

When the Good go down.

it's 1.34 am. what happens when the good go down?

picture this - if life was a hill. at the top of hill is 'ultimate goodness' - what life should be like - the Utopia. and at the bottom of the hill - well - is the other end of the spectrum lah.

the bigger they are, the harder they fall. so it is said. in that same vein, the more 'good' one is - the harder the fall will be. it's a vicious cycle. you can try your best and do whatever you can. you could even be successful at it. and climb up that long steep hill. inch by inch. clawing for everything and getting it.

but when the 'good' f*ck up. all the clawing in the world won't help because there isn't any branches to grab on to on this hill. when you fall - you fall. and sometimes you slide down so far ... you forget where it was you were at before.

sometimes, you slide off the hill and fall down into an abyss with no light. if you're lucky, when you get up and open your eyes, you see the light and crawl back out again. however, there are times you fall so hard - you can't open your eyes anymore. or you might fall on to a spot that's so dark that no matter what you do - you just can't see the light anymore.

how do you crawl out of that?

what happens when the good go down?

i tell you what happens. it'll be a waste. it'll mean that people who need to be touched by 'goodness' might/will never experience it.

so - shame on you. shame on you if you made a good person fall. 'cause when the good go down - sometimes there's no coming back up again.

signing off...the common jack amongst the kings and queens.

Take Risks.

it's 1 pm. take risks, life's more interesting that way.

in that sense, i suppose you can call me a gambler. don't get me wrong, i weigh the pros and cons of situations before taking risks. but sometimes - even if the cons outweigh the pros - i still jump into the lake with both feet without a float - hoping that even if things go sour and turn out pear shaped - that i'd be able to swim out back to land. that's me.

i take risks. most of the time, i do it because, life's just too short not to take them. sometimes, i take risks because the potential rewards would be too great to just miss out on without even giving it a chance. i take risks because i hate looking back and wondering - "fu*k, wonder what would have happenned if i did try it?"

i'm not perfect. life's not perfect. sometimes, i make the wrong decisions and take miscalculated risks on the spur of the moment. following my right brain. thinking about passion rather than reason. nevertheless, i commit. i commit to the rewards. i'll also commit to the possible scars. what doesn't kill me - will make me stronger or at the very least - make me a little wiser.

shit happens - tough - deal with it.

besides, what's the point of going through life without any sort of adversity. you'll just kinda float on by without actually 'doing' anything worth being satisfied about. it doesn't matter if your efforts go unnoticed by the world at large.

i think i've done a pretty decent job if when the day i die - one person will remember me for what i was and respected me for what i've done. and if that one person would live out his/her life with some of 'me' in mind or heart and passing that on to another. and that other would live out with that same some of 'me'...and goes on and on. then i'll never die.

heck some people don't even get that right? let's quote bon jovi here...

Each night I go to bed I pray the Lord my soul to keep No I ain't looking for forgiveness But before I'm six foot deep Lord,I got to ask a favor And I'll hope you'll understand 'Cause I've lived life to the fullest Let the boy die like a man Staring down the bullet Let me make my final stand Shot down in a blaze of glory Take me now but know the truth I'm going out in a blaze of glory Lord I never drew first But I drew first blood and I'm no one's son Call me young gun I'm a young gun

signing off, the common jack amongst the kings and queens...