i'm ashamed.

i'm ashamed to admit it. but the one thing that really scares me now. is my impending final exam. what a foolish thing to be afraid of ... something that i actually have the opportunity to prepare for and face down.



don't get me wrong. if you're thinking, "hey, everybody is afraid of exams." i'm talking about fear at another level. i've always been afraid of exams. academics - has never been my strong suit. however, that being said - normally i study sufficiently for an exam - the last time i think i was at least properly prepared to give an exam a good go was when i was doing STPM.

every other exam after that - i have to say - i didn't do myself justice.

since getting in law - my results have been significantly short of satisfactory. in fact, if you had to judge me on paper. i'm a dumbass. truly. my grades speak volumes - and nothing positive. you'd be thinking along the lines of..."This guy didn't do well at his course at all. He might as well just not have graduated." or if you were really nice, "This guy didn't study for his exams at all." - and the latter isn't saying much either is it?

i'm so afraid about how i'll do for this exam - that sometimes i feel incapacitated. for days at a time even. they all say that it really doesn't matter how you do. then again - they usually only say that to people who don't do well at all.

i'm ashamed to be afraid of a stupid thing like an exam. that's why i don't let it show. i make like i don't care.

but the truth is - it scares me.


signing off. the commonjack.

THE CROW - the Graphic Novel.

finally, i've got my very own copy of The Crow. (Thanks babe!)

just in case you have absolutely no idea what The Crow is about (which is unliikely cause if you know me - you're bound to have heard about it before - but then again why would you care to remember right?) here's a little sypnosis ...

This is the story of a young man named Eric who along with his fiance, Shelly is murdered on an abandoned road, by a gang of junkies, led by T-Bird. Due to the pain suffered by their souls, Eric is sent back to put the wrong things right. It is very dark and violent, it is recommended for mature readers. The movie was based on this comic book. This story was born out of James O'Barr's personal tragedy.


James O'Barr's own words on Eric, the main character of the story, "I don't believe Eric is a hero. He can be absolutely cold-blooded and ruthless at times. When he goes into a room to get one person, everyone else in the room is probably going to die as well. I think what he's doing is terribly romantic, but I wouln't call him a hero."

The Crow dramatises O'Barr's belief that "an absolute, pure love does exist" and that "there are no boundries between good and evil where love is concerned."

The following extracts are from the Boston Phoenix:

O'Barr on the graphic novel;
"Writing The Crow didn't help at all. I thought it would be cathartic, but as I drew each page, it made me more self-destructive, if anything. There is pure anger on each page, little murders. I was more messed up by the time I was done with the book. There was a rumour going around when there was a delay between the third and fourth issues that I had committed suicide. I was annoyed by that, because God's had his elbow on my nech for this long, I feel I can stick it out. I'm not ready to put a period on that sentence yet."

On the death of Brandon Lee, and referring to Brandon's fiancé, Eliza (Lisa Hutton);
"I relived the same pain and anger as before. I wished I had never written the thing, though if I hadn't, I probably wouldn't be here, having been consumed by my very self-destructive behaviour. I was fueled by rage and fury for years and years. My soul felt like a hurrcane. I was raised in orphanages and foster homes, and I felt, like, "When is God gonna give me a break?" When Brandon died, I felt like, "Is God trying to test my limits or what?" Why let me become best friends with the guy and take him senselessly from me? God is a bastard, if there is one."

"Brandon and Eliza helped me make something positive finally come out of this. The helped me a great deal. And I had a lot of guilt associated with the money I made from this movie. It felt like blood money to me, so I've kept nothing for myself. I used the money to help a lot of people; international children's organisations, and hip replacement surgery for a 10 year old Brazilian girl who thinks I'm some big rock star or something over here - some money to my family."

the book is now a permanent fixture on my bedside table. when i can't stand to look at another law related book. i pick it up. i love the art work. i love the words. good example of both and

like this one for instance - Eric (The Crow) goes into a room to kill "Funboy", one of the guys who killed and raped his fiancee, and it was full of Funboy's men ... and he says...

"Seven Blackbirds in a tree, count them and see what they be. ONE for SORROW, TWO for JOY, THREE for a girl and FOUR for a boy. FIVE for SILVER, SIX for GOLD and SEVEN for a secret that's never been told. - (pause) - You're all going to die."

cool.

i love the way the story is laid out in the book. i love the whole concept. and i think i'm gonna fall head-first into a new hobby to collect graphic novels!

in fact, i know what's next! THE CROW - Shattered Lives & Broken Dreams. (my b'day is in July - HINT HINT!) go look at it! remember it! lol.

i digress...anyway...poring through the pages in this book has reinforced my yearning to pick up art classes! i want to learn how to draw. it'll be another way for me to express myself! and who knows? i might be good at it?

and i was immediately inspired to write my own little 'angry poem' after finishing it the 1st time. :)

it's called, "My Gain."

Round and round we go.
Where we stop?
Nobody knows,

Listen to me and listen close,
Pay attention -
It is a rhyme of which you are to be told,

It's time for you to feel the cold,
The chill in the wind and the shiver in the rain,
I present to you the pain, Your death - My Gain.



signing off, the commonjack.

My CAR For SALE!

hey people. i'm trying to sell off my car. if you know of anyone looking for a car. pretty decent condition if i may say so myself. or if you know of anyone who can help me sell it. let me know.

thanks.

Citroen ZX (Year of make 1997), 2.0 Litre metallic Green.

Asking price: RM 11,200 - (price negotiable).




Front View


Back View


Driver's Seat



Side Profile

signing off, commonjack.

I was so nervous.

wow. yesterday, i went for an audition - for a musical. yes folks, i did indeed say 'musical'. and i couldn't have done worse for an audition if i tried!

first of all, i was so nervous - my lips were trembling. my stomache felt empty, light and airy (is this what they mean by 'butterflies in the stomache'?), i was quivering slightly (but just enough to make me feel like i'm not in control of my body and voice) ... it was like food poisoning without the puking!

i've neever been that nervous in my entire life. i've been more scared than that. i've been more excited that that. but i think yesterday was the 1st time i've ever felt truly nervous. either that, or i've achieved a new level of nervousness i never thought i'd ever reach!

basically, i went in - met a panel of about 7 or 8 people. amongst them, some of the most notable people in m'sian theatre (i'm not going to drop names at this point). said my "hello-s' and was told, "Ok, Michael. Just sing for us. I don't even want to know what the song is."

and i sang, "I Could Have Danced All Night". or - i think it'd be more apt to say that i 'attempted' to sing it. it was so bad. i was forgetting the lyrics. my lips were still trembling. i didn't know what to do with my hands. i didn't know where to look (eye contact or close my eyes or look at the ceiling or the floor? what where who how???!!!) and i was told to stop before i could finish it. i must have looked like one of those seriously bad people who try to go for those IDOL try-outs.

then i was asked, "Michael, what were you singing?" the answer stumbled out of my mouth, myself feeling like i was in way over my head feeling quite foolish for even thinking that i could sing that song and then i was asked, "Who told you to sing that?" clearly, he knew it wasn't my idea to sing it. once again, the answer stumbled out and i asked, "Could I maybe sing something I'm more comfortable with?"

the resounding reply was, "YES!"

feeling a lot more relieved that i didn't have to try and sing some musical piece. i sang Bon Jovi's "Bang A Drum". i was still shaking, but my lips weren't trembling this time around. i made it through the 1st verse and finished the 1st chorus before a hand wsa put up to indicate "that's good enough". personally, i felt like i could have delivered the song a lot better than i did - but i suppose i did adequately.

however, i was still a nervous wreck. then came the dreaded 'range testing'. i went next to the piano. and tried desperately to follow the "la La LA la la..." going terribly off key. off the note. off everything! (*i'm admittedly quite tone deaf and am only comfortable hitting notes on my guitar. put me next to a piano - and everything goes to shit for some reason!) the best i could do was that i actually hit ONE note but on a different KEY! sigh... *hangs head in shame.

then came the dancing bit. the choreographer came out and said, "Do you dance?"

"Er, besides what I used to do in school with friends ie looking at MTV clips and following what they did ... and the occassional clubbing ... nope."

nodding her head, she told me to try and follow her. the 1st particular move was simple enough. there was a huge mirror for in front of us. and i just kept looking at her and did the move - even adding my own little 'flavour' to it. then i tried to make myself look more convincing by taking my eyes off her and just look straight forward and she picked up the pace and i almost immediately screwed up of course! - but i focused my eyes on her again and managed to follow.

then music came on. and i was asked to walk like i was walking in the rain - (as in performing wise - the mental picture i got from her demonstrating it was like some ballet thing...hands gracefully moving and elegant steps making use of the space available, eyes up to the imaginary sky moving to the flow of the music...) needless to say, i felt weird doing it. i need to get into a certain frame of mind to pull something like that off, and i believe i was getting into it...kinda...before i was told to stop and center myself again. then she started doing the simple move we started with ... this time with the music. and then she said, "Just do as I do ok?"

and the roller coaster ride began! there was a lot of elegant arm and hand movements ... the graceful twist of the body ... some soft leg movements ... and i had a real tough time following! i'm used to pulling some one handed somersault or the MC Hammer split (ie Hammer Time!) or some simple fancy footwork ... this was more ballet-ish stuff and i felt like a kickboxer in tights. once again feeling like i was way out of my league!

then it finally ended. as i left the floor and went back to the chair to face down the panel ..., "OK Michael. Lets get your schedule sorted out. We start rehearsals May 1st..."

"Er, I've got exams till June 9th."

"Really AH? Well then - (he writes down under comments in my form in big BIG Letters - NOT AVAILABLE) Cannot la Michael. You need to learn the songs and dancing. June 9th is too late."

feeling even more foolish, "Yes, I understand. I was just trying my luck. Didn't mean to waste your time."

"No, no. It's good that you came. At least now you have a lesson learned. Next time sing something you're comfortable with. And since you're more comfortable with your guitar ... bring it along next time...ok?"

so it ended with the shaking of hands and hugs - and i walked out of the audition space feeling like a complete *idiot.

the positive person in me still wonders (if i could have accomodated the rehearsal schedule) whether i would have been casted in this musical...for any role really. but the realist in me steps over my positive side and towers above it and says, "With an audition like that?! Hell no!"

oh well. good thing i'm a stubborn mutha too. i'll try again. the next chance i get.



on an entirely separate note ... go this site - HOMECOMING - the play. it's about 2 days from opening night. looks like a good one. so go get your tickets quick!

Conversations that don't understand.

people can forget how to talk to each other. it's a scary thought. but it's true. i'm not saying anything particularly earth shattering here. family, friends, girlfriends, boyfriends...no relationship is spared from this. even just people in general.

it's sad especially when i'm trying to talk to these people i see everyday. or when i see them try and talk to each other. they are committing to the act of 'speaking to each other' but little things get in the way and the intended message is lost and all the ugly stuff comes up because of what is lost.

i call this phenomenon "Conversations that don't Understand".

maybe it is best to just shut up sometimes. and stick with my guitar.



'nuff said.

signing off, the commonjack.

exam season is nigh...

i've started with my revision course. this is my final year.

i can't afford to dwell on whether it was a *mistake choosing to do law in the 1st place. it's too late for that now. or rather, it's not the time to do that now. i can reflect on it later. although, in my mind and heart - right here and now - i can't help but feel that it was and is.

but - maybe that'll change after proper reflection and with more of my life unfolding without this veil of 'hate' covering my eyes and mind for what i'm *forcing myself to do.

they all tell me, "You don't get to do what you want to in your life. Not usually at least. So get used to it."

so that's what its all about eh? it makes me think of this James O'Barr quote, "Life is an incurable disease, birth and death being the symptoms."

anyway, if that's what its all about, the rational and mature person in me believes that 'How you deal with the things you are forced to do in life shows what you are made of'. and if that's the case, then i'm not very proud of the stuff i'm made of.

i didn't set out to be where i'm at right now. and i did want to do better. but now i'll do what i can - and give it a proper go here on in. and leave it at that. and move on.

this is my little prayer (of sorts) i say to myself most nights before i go to sleep.

"Hey God. What's up? It's me again. And again, I ask for strength, will, patience and wisdom to face down my life's challenges. Right now the biggest hurdle - my exam. (sounds so juvenile doesn't it? biggest hurdle being an exam.) Strength to rise to the occasion. Will to see myself through all the way. Patience to keep the pace. Wisdom to do my best.

Not forgetting, watch over those I love. All of them. No need to worry too much about me. No matter what happens to me - I'm good.

Give a break to those who need it. Not just the deserving - but those who *need it. Everyone deserves a break.

Thanks for listening."

my previous blogs when facing my exam last year below...(some directly related - some not really...)

i'm an idiot.

the really 'real' world.

depression?

signing off, the commonjack.

James O'Barr quote.

"Things will change. You can do very little with faith. But you can do nothing without it."

this just hit me. i'm not the most religious person around. but i wouldn't call myself a faithless person either.

on another note ...

anyway, people who've known me for a while - you know i've been entertaining the thought of getting a tattoo for the longest time. i've thought of various places to put it...shoulder blade, chest, on the arm...etc. currently, i seem to be leaning towards getting a small little one on my left wrist - just on the underside and making it about the size of a regular watch strap - with the size i'm imagining, you probably wouldn't be able to see it if i wear a watch (that's the size i'm considering at the moment).

i've considered many types of designs - from some tribal designs, to chinese characters, to images i've liked - i've also considered something of "The Crow" - if you've noticed the pictures on this site - i'm somewhat of a *fan.

below are some of the designs i'm thinking about - pitch a comment on what you think would look cool?

the mask at

the 'spread out crow' at or






"A crow" at

"A tribal Crow" at

"Crow Eye" at or




i'm still very much toying with the idea. as such, i might not even end up ever getting one. but really, who knows? so, getting some 2 cents would be very much welcomed.

see ya'all.

More on My Nephews.

this is what i call 'brotherly love'. the good kind lah. don't you go getting funny ideas. in case you're wondering, those are my nephews up there! the big one's Alexander and the smaller one's Johnathan.

you may refer to New Chen for more info.

signing off, the commonjack.

The Princess & The Humble Soldier part 2

so ... i bet you're dying to know about the Princess and the Humble Soldier.

*or not.

but before i say anything. i'm gonna say why i liked that story so much. the story made me think. put yourself in the soldier's shoes. i'm sure we've all been in some similar type of situation.

in the movie, (for those of you who intend to watch the movie - you might not want to read this particular part - although - i believe ... there's no real spoiler revealed here) the young man aka 'Salvatore or Toto' later told the old man, 'Alfredo' why he thought the Humble Soldier suddenly just got up and walked away.

once again ... in my own words,

"He walked away because for those 100 days and 100 nights, he was fueled by the promise that the Princess would be his when the time came. Through harsh weather and sickness, he had wonderful and vivid dreams about what it would be like to hold the Princess - to kiss her ... to make love to her. Without proper food or shelter, he practically lived on the *illusion that the Princess would be his. He braved death by sickness only because of that *illusion.

So he walked away - because if for whatever reason, the Princess broke that promise. That *illusion will die. And the Humble Soldier will also die.

So he walked away, so that at least he could always have that *illusion."

in the context of the movie, it is wholly understandable why Salvatore said this. but as i said earlier, i loved the story because it made me think.

it made me think that if i were the Soldier, i wouldn't have walked away. i would have stayed to see if the Princess broke her promise. even if i knew that the likelihood of that happening was really high. and yes, even if i knew that if for whatever reason, she didn't keep her promise - i'd die.

'cause the *illusion just wouldn't do for me. it wouldn't be enough.

i've chased the *illusion before. i chased all the way. and never relented. i hounded it down because nothing short of the truth would satisfy me. i chased it and i caught it. i got the truth. i broke the *illusion.

and yeah - i most certainly did die.

but now i'm back. and i've got no regrets. plus i've found some kinda happiness again.

who would have thought? i certainly didn't think so. guess i was wrong. and that's a good thing.

lets see where this goes from here.

signing off, the commonjack amongst the kings & queens.

The Best Story...

this is the best story i've heard in a long time. it's completely lifted from 'Cinema Paradiso' - which is another beautiful Italian movie - this one originally recommended to me by an Italian i know - thanks Luca. it's a f**kin' good movie lah.

Tagline: A celebration of youth, friendship, and the everlasting magic of the movies.

Plot Outline: A filmmaker recalls his childhood, when he fell in love with the movies at his village's theater and formed a deep friendship with the theater's projectionist.

Plot Synopsis: A famous film director returns home to a Sicilian village for the first time after almost 30 years. He reminisces about his childhood at the Cinema Paradiso where Alfredo, the projectionist, first brought about his love of films. He is also reminded of his lost teenage love, Elena, who he had to leave before he left for Rome.

click review on Cinema Paradiso if you are interested. but be warned - there are loads of spoilers. and btw, if you're interested in watching the movie, make sure you get the 1990 version which is more complete than the 1989 release.

and now for the best story i've heard in a long time, the Old Man, "Alfredo" tells "Salvatore aka Toto" a story when he realises that Toto is in love.

THE PRINCESS & THE SOLDIER 'retold here in my own words...'

"Once upon a time, there was a Princess whose beauty was unparalleled. And then there was a humble Soldier.

The first time the Soldier saw the Princess, he fell in love instantly. Never in his life had he seen a woman of such beauty before. But this is not to be confused with just infatuation - he knew for sure that he was in love. Alas, he thought he would never have a chance to meet her in person for she was a Princess and he was merely a humble Soldier.

However, there came a day when he had some time alone with her. Somehow, he managed to muster enough courage to let her know how he truly felt and let it all pour out even though he knew the fact remained, she was a Princess and he - just a humble Soldier. His words were so truthful that the Princess was moved very much by what he said.

So much so, that she said, "If you wait under my balcony for 100 days and 100 nights. At the end of the very last night. I'll be yours."

Thus, the Soldier did as she asked. He waited for her. Every day and every night. It did not matter if it rained or snowed or whether it was under the hot burning sun. He stood under her balcony - hoping to catch a merest glimpse of her and was hoping beyond hope that she'd come out and tell him that the wait was over.

He waited 5 days, 10 days, 20 days ... even through sickness and hunger - he stood there unflinching. All that time, he thought to himself that at the end of it - it would all be worth it.

Finally, the last day and the last night came. In the final hour before the end of the final night, he looked up to the balcony longingly. He closed his eyes and he made a decision. When he opened his eyes, he turned his back on the balcony and the Princess - and walked away."

*Grin.

why do you think the Humble Soldier walked away?

feel free to leave a comment. however, if you've watched the movie, and know what the conclusion in the movie was about (regarding the story above - please don't mention it yet) - i'll post up what was said in the movie soon. i'm just curious to see what other people draw from the story above.

i'll wait a few days before posting up what i think as well.

so, what you waiting for? comment away!! it'd be nice to see more action on this blog. :)

signing off, the commonjack amongst the kings & queens.

Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em...

the age old addage of, "Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em..." really applies to me when it comes to computers. i use 'em all the time. almost everyday! but if it ever got to a point where my life depended on me keeping my computer in good shape, up to date, etc... i'd have a relatively short life.

i've been on a rampage to equip my room with everything i need so that i can just lock myself in there and not have to come up for a very, very long time if i wanted too. *grin.

so, i've got an audio set-up which i'm quite happy with. i've got nice lights to create the proper ambience for almost any mood. furniture wise, it's alright. so the only few *essentials that'd make me happy...well - a TV, a CD player (been using my discman hooked up to my amp - which really is just not adequate) ... i also would like to be able to lock myself in my room and write (eventually - once i'm done with law) ... plus it'd be great to be able to record all the songs i've written in my room too...

initially, i had loads of ideas...buy some cheap-ass tv and dvd player (which could double up as a CD player) ... maybe an old-skool type-writer for writing? ... but to record songs and shit - i'd need a computer of sorts (i could use the computer in my Mum's office (at home) but it wouldn't be as nice. i feel like my creative juices are more free to roam when i'm in my room.

anyway - that led to only one conclusion. i needed to get my own computer.

needless to say, Mum went, "HAH! You crazy ar? I've got a lap top. I'll use that. You take the desk top!"

*Grin. i didn't put up much of a fight lah.

but been having lots of problems setting up the computer. 1st, it was full of viruses and needed reformatting. then i needed to get a router and then a wireless usb receiver. then i had to get a dvd-rom so that i could watch movies...

i can console myself and by saying that it's cheaper than buying a whole new computer ... but the pocket is still feeling it nevertheless. basically, now, something is wrong with my wireless connection. and i still can't go online despite spending most of today buying stuff, reconfiguring stuff ... etc...

i went to Computer Wars in SS2 to get my new stuff. it was so busy in there...nobody even came to me to ask what i wanted. i was just shoved around till someone noticed me. i said what i wanted, they pointed at several directions. i had no idea what i was looking at... and had to look quite closely to see whether i was getting what i really wanted. like i was worried i said 'wireless USB receiver for my router' wrong. i was quite confident with the 'dvd burner' but when i tried to haggle for a lower price - all the guy had to do was scoff at me and say, "if you can find anywhere cheaper...tell me! i go there and buy their whole stock!" and i gave in. geez. i've got no backbone.

anyway, i'm still stuck on my Mum's laptop in her office at home rather than in the comfort of my own room with the right music and right ambience cause of my lights and my bed just nearby... hopefully, this time tomorrow. that won't be the case.

i'm out.

the commonjack amongst the kings and queens.

The whole point...

initially, when i first started blogging way back (during my mblog days) ... possibly 3 years ago, i generally kept my blog a secret. not really in a proper way (ie not telling anybody at all) but i didn't go around telling everyone about it either.

i told a few people about it. but very few of the 'few' i told visit my blog anyway (to my knowledge lah). so, i didn't really mind telling the people i told about it.

thus, at first, the stuff i wrote about on my blog ranged from family to studies to work to everything else in between but i basically focused on all the shit i have floating in my head - sometimes revealing something very private but in a very 'round-about' manner so that only a few of the 'few' would get it. there was also the ultimate goal of maybe stirring life changing epitomes but upon retrospect, i think most of my ramblings on 'life in general' was mostly self masturbatory.

after writing for a while, i realised that most of that 'shit' i had floating in my head was mostly 'depresssing'. so, i figured, 'this is healthy. i have a place i can release all my depressing thoughts.' i mean...it has to be right?

as such, i kept at it. whenever i had something depressing that was bugging me. i blogged about it. i didn't have to bottle it up inside. i had an avenue to release. and i wouldn't have to bore someone else to listen to me talk all depressing and shit.

then it hit me one day, 'i don't feel like talking about it to anybody.'

see what i said? i could have said i don't have any friends or any family...bla bla...but no. i chose to say 'i don't feel like talking about it to anybody.'

that's gotta be the key.

X

man...i've really gone off tangent. this entry was supposed to be geared towards one question.

"The whole point my blogging was so that I could talk about 'depressing' shit that bugged me. But I've recently made this blog known to a lot of people. Should I still talk about the real depressing shit that bugs me?"

to whoever who reads this,

What do you think?

in that vein, i shall give some examples of some real depressing shit (that i may or may not want people in general to know about...) but which i have already gotten past, so i don't care if people know anymore...

1. Fear.
2. You.
3. Giving Up.
4. I've Got Issues.
5. YOU win.
6. Feeling Depressed?
7. What Can I Say? Shit Happens, deal with it.
8. How To Get To Where I'm At.
9. Alone.
10. Humour Me.
11. This Can't Be It.

that's it.

Going North is done.

i don't really have much to say. except that all things considered, it was a pretty decent run. and the fact that 2 out of 4 days were sold out whilst the other 2 days showed about 100 (+ -) says a lot. it says that people are interested to watch local stories and with the right treatment - local stories in M'sian Theatre that are more than just family dramas or comedies can also have a chance to 'fly' in M'sian Theatre.

as for myself, i really loved the fact that i got to work with the likes of Zaibo, Fahmi Fadzil, Ras Alita, Ari Ratos, and my fellow newcomer - Ghaz. plus being in a play directed by Faridah with the help of Joe and the play itself being written by Syed Alwi himself ... has been an honour.

now it is back to LAW. as much i hate to say it...i'm more behind than i'd like to be and truth be told - i'm a little worried but i'll soldier on nevertheless ... fueled by the fact that once i'm done - i'm done.

what happens after that? well, i'll deal with it later. as is, i have been given some offers to be in more 'theatre' after my exams. hopefully that works out. i've even been given a chance to audition at NTv7 - my luck with TV never good - but we'll see whether things change this time around.

now, FYI, i was supposed to be in another play called "The Homecoming" - i would have played 'Joey' who apparently is the youngest, the stud, the guy who - in Lenny's (another character in the play) words, "has had more dolly than you've had cream cakes...." in other words...quite the player 'lah' *grin. 'Joey' works in construction during the day and trains to be a boxer at night. the play revolves around a family that is f**ked up. this role...was written...for me. *grin.

alas...priorities speak louder. and i shall join the rest of the drones and do law...

go to thehomecomingdiaries.blogspot.com to read about the play i *could* have been in. keep visiting the site and leave comments if you'd like. and of course...go watch the play. :)

it will be staged:

March 24 - April 2nd @ Pentas 2, Kuala Lumpur Performing Arts Centre,Sentul Park, Jalan Strachan

Going North 2.

2 shows down and just 2 more to go. and thus far, the response has been good. as briefly mentioned in "New Chen", opening night was sold out. the 2nd show, i believe ... there were about 130 odd people (give or take 10) out of a capacity of 180.

so, i'd say that's pretty damn good and Sunday's matinee is already sold out!

meaning to say, if you haven't got a ticket yet...buy for SATURDAY, 8.30pm!! quick! while you still have a chance...walk in and buy. take a chance...

but for the benefit of some of you who really won't be able to make it. i'll post up some pictures here lah...



this is the whole cast.



this is me in full gear.



'everybody' plus a good view of the set...which i think is really old skool...



get a ticket to 'Go North'?



beware the station master...



the Special Constable...cool rifle eh?

and for more pictures...go to this link ... http://ismyzeal.fotopages.com/?entry=701251

fyi - most of the set and costumes (especially) are all authentic and taken from the museum. the clock hanging behind the ticket sign for example...the posters are replicas of the real thing...and in the Station Master's office, there are loads of cool stuff...but i didn't take a picture of those though.

so come lah. see firsthand...

i'm out...

New Chen.

Jonathan Chen Ka Yeong (as seen above) was brought into our world at 1pm, last friday, the 3rd of February, 2006 weighing in at 3.605 kg, and kicking and screaming, at the Raffles Hospital, Singapore.

Alexander Chen Ka Keong (as seen above) who was born on 4th of March 2004 ... he'll be turning 2 soon.

Both pictures taken above are of them on their first day out of the womb. Like a replica man ...

Above is a recent photo of Alex with a happy Mummy (must be a relief to have the heavy bugger out! lol) ... this could be Johnathan at 2 years old. We shall see...

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Btw, opening night was a success! Full House and I felt good about the show. More on GOING NORTH soon...

i'm out.

GOING NORTH this WEEK!

GOING NORTH THIS WEEK! come watch come watch come watch!

Call this number (03)4047 9000 - KLPAC or (03)2094 1400 - Bangsar Actors Studio and buy your tickets! ... MAP to KLPAC. (Click)

9 - 11 February 2006 @ 8.30PM , 12 February 2006 @ 3PM
Price: RM30 (adults) & RM20 (students, disabled & senior citizens)

i play a police inspector. i got the whole gear from the museum - i'm decked in a full on proper Police Inspector's uniform back in 1948! (if i ever get around to taking a picture - i'll post it up...till then...come watch the play! and you'll see me in the uniform for real.)

i gotta say - it's quite spiffy lah. i look like what all those police officers in those Hong Kong gangster movies...walking the streets...look like. except the colour a bit different. i even got my hair cut today just for the play.

what you'll read below is basically a rundown of any questions you may want to ask.

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The Kuala Lumpur Performing Arts Centre (KLPac), presents Dato' Syed Alwi's Going North.

The story will bring us back in time to the days of British Malaya, specifically to 1948, when a "state of emergency" was declared to meet the threats of Communist rebels.

At a small town railway station on the west coast, a young university student waits to take the train going north. He encounters an elderly man. In the meeting of a young mind and an old experience, the student is posed to resolve a dilemma.

In the ensuing development, the student loses his perspective and lives through a frantic experience before he can take the train going north.

The story was first written by Dato' Syed Alwi 1949 / 1950 for his school magazine. It was re-written as a stage drama while he was studying in Minneapolis in 1955. Going North has since been produced as a radio play and TV drama. However, this is the premier staging of this original play in English!

Executive Producer & Director: Dato' Faridah Merican
Artistic Director: Joe Hasham
Production Design: Arica Chia
Cast: Fahmi Fadzil, Zaibo, Ari Ratos, Ras Alita Radzi, Ghaz Abu Bakar and Michael Chen
Date: 9 - 11 February 2006 @ 8.30PM , 12 February 2006 @ 3PM Price: RM30 (adults) & RM20 (students, disabled & senior citizens)

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so come and watch lah. :)

i'm out.

Manic Highs and Suicidal Lows.

Manic High

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Suicidal Low

Question: Would you stick with a friend who has Manic Highs and Suicidal Lows?

most people say 'no'.

Question:What if this person is a very good friend of yours?

most people say, 'then i won't hang out with him/her so much anymore'.

Question: What if this person has always been like that?

most people say, 'then i wouldn't be friends with him/her in the 1st place'.

it really made me think. generally speaking, i'm still rather 'well-adjusted'. but it is a very thin line that i face everyday. at least it certainly feels that way.

i know people who are like that. we all do i'm sure. and generally, i am more forgiving. and will still be friends with them. in fact, i make it a point to do so. but it has never been because i felt sorry for them. no ... never was the case. it is because i see myself in them and they have the *courage to let out that Manic High or the Suicidal Low. they are not afraid of it. some of them might not know how to deal with such states ... but they don't try to hide it.

some people may think that is a sign of weakness. allowing yourself to go 'crazy' and experience Manic Highs and Suicidal Lows.

but you could also flip that around and say that those who hide it are the ones who are weak.

why do they hide it? 'cause they are afraid? are the ones who show it braver then? does allowing yourself to feel and express Manic Highs and Suicidal Lows merely show a lack of control and therefore losing *good qualities like 'efficiency and consistency in emotions, manner and thoughts'?

so many questions. so many ways to answer these. and i believe that this is very much a 'to each his own' type of subject. you may have your own reasons to avoid 'volatile' people and they'd be very valid.

i, for one, as said earlier, would still be friends with such people. and i further stress on the point that it would not be because i felt sorry for them. but because i see myself in them. because, there's a thin, blur line (that i may perhaps unknowingly cross everyday) between me and them. and i'll stick by them because nobody should be left alone - feeling Manic Highs and Suicidal Lows.

but more importantly, (and perhaps even selfishly), it is because i'd like to think that if i ever do become a person who generally i'experiences Manic Highs and Suicidal Lows - i'll have friends who will stick by me - regardless.

i won't expect it. but it is OK to hope for something like that right?

(yeah. i think so.)

oh well.

signing off, the commonjack.

ONe DAy.

One day,

I'll lose all my friends,

My world will crumble all around me,

And I won't be able to do anything about it ...

One day,

The people I love most in the world will die,

I will be left to fend for myself,

And I'll only be armed with mere memory of how things used to be -

Wondering what things could be ...

One day,

Everything will go wrong,

So wrong that I won't even be able to retrace my steps back to when it was right,

And I'd be left standing in a place I never wanted to be in,

With nowhere else to go ...

One day,

Someone will flip the switch on me,

I'll be consumed by the dark with no light at the end of the tunnel to gun for,

And I'll be lost in a never-ending tunnel of darkness, helpless and alone ...

One day,

That day will come and go,

And I'll still be here waiting for more.

sometimes i get scared.

sometimes i scare myself. not on purpose. but i genuinely scare myself.

the chaos in the picture below reminds me of how i feel when i scare myself.



there are times when i get so angry that i just don't give a f**k about anything. at times like that, i couldn't care less about whether relationships amongst members of my family are getting worse or not. i couldn't give 2 shits about whether or not i can catch up with my law studies. i don't care about people around me. i feel like running till my legs can't take another step. i want to just beat the shit out of a 'punching bag'. or i just end up zoning out in front of the tv. at times like that ... i don't care about anything.

when i reach that point...i have to consciously catch myself and tell myself, "What the f**k man? Cool it. Calm the f**k down." and that's when i start wondering what kinda person i'm becoming...

i'm becoming that 'angry 20-something year old' that i despise. the kinda guy that walks around with so much anger in his heart - he doesn't know what to do with himself. and then i catch myself.

so i guess then there's hope for me right? 'cause i catch myself everytime. i fear the day i forget to catch myself and let myself indulge with the feeling for too long that i forget how to get out of it.

sometimes i scare myself.

signing off...the commonjack.

Going North

and so it begins. i'm in another play. (woo hoo! whoopee! yabadabadoo! - secretly jumping about inside but trying to look cool on the outside.)



it's called "Going North". i've got a small role (but of couese there's no such thing as a small role lah...just small actors right? *Grin). the rehearsal schedule doesn't clash with my classes too much. and it looks like a nice play to be a part of.

i had to turn down another play which i was offered because the timing is bad - it clashes with my revision time as well as being dangerously close to my final exams. priorities...priorities...f**k. i just want to get law done and over with.

this is a bad attitude innit? oh well, this site is for me to rant about how i feel sometimes...so there.

CLick on GOING NORTH for more details. if you guys are around and interested...get a ticket. come and watch. and i'll see you there.

signing off, the commonjack.