what if...

what if, being yourself - is not enough?

there's a whole romantic/bohemian notion about the only true link to happiness is to be yourself. accept yourself for what you are - and all will be good.

i s'pose the other maxim that conflicts with that would be, "not to settle for 2nd best".

what if being yourself is merely settling? some people suffer their whole lives because they refuse to 'settle' and keep trying to change themselves - and in the same vein, they just end denying themselves.

but i guess it's about changing yourself till you find 'yourself'. but some people just don't realise that they've found themselves. *there's a thought.

however, doesn't that bring us back to the 1st question? ie what if being yourself is not enough?

2nd question, 'not enough' for who? yourself or somebody else? if its the latter - as italian mobsters say - 'fogget about it...' but if its the former, then there's a serious problem.

the apparent answer is supposed to be that, it'll eventually work out in the end. the fatalist would say 'what if it never works out?'

it's pointless to carry on a conversation with a fatalist.



call me the bohemian / romantic type of person, cause if i became a fatalist - life would be way too long...

'nuff said.

'everywhere' is a big space to get lost in.

here's a little about me:

i am a law student (2nd year and trying desperately to get through to my 3rd and final year).

i am a part time kickboxing instructor.

i love playing basketball. i play football / futsal (indoor soccer) quite often because all my good friends play. in addition to that, i also happen to play squash, badminton, snooker, pool, golf, volleyball, handball, fooseball ... i also used to be involved with athletics - i used to run and also high jump.
primarily i only play basketball, futsal, snooker and pool now. but every one of the games mentioned above are games i have been involved in on some form of a regular basis at one point in time.

i like to write. which is one of the reasons i started this blog actually. anyway, i don't know how i fell into this little hobby but the fact is - i did. i hope to have something worth publishing one day. but we'll see...
in lieu of this, i also like to read. admittedly, i'm not one to be seen raiding libraries or bookshops but i can appreciate the craziness of Catch-22 by Joseph Heller or the beauty of Shakespeare's Midsummer Night's Dream. i simply love the humour, wit and intelligence of writers like Douglas Adams (Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy - and i've read this book long before the movie came out), Terry Pratchett's Discworld series, and Neil Gaiman.
if you know me personally, you'd know that my all time favourite book is Good Omens by both Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman.

erm, i am also known to act on occasion. i am actively trying as hard as i possibly can to get involved with the local theater scene. succeeded 2 years ago. managed to get a part in a play which was staged for the public but i have been absent from the scene since then. it's difficult to find the time, and when there is time, it is tremendously difficult to get an acting gig (but that's a whole other story).

i love music. i picked up my guitar relatively late (only when i was 17) and have been struggling to catch up ever since. i'm not naturally inclined musically but i love it so much - that doesn't deter me. i learn to play as many songs as i am capable of. i'm getting better - slowly but surely. and as a result, i've been trying to write songs of my own ever since i got my guitar too - but only lately i find that i have some stuff worth attempting to put out to the public. so we'll see how that goes.

i also like to dance. i used to perform in all kinds of functions - anywhere i could get involved. it could have been a friend's church thing or a school thing or even just a little house party. i even took ballroom dancing with junoesque. i believe it lasted for a few months as well. and from what i've been told - for a chinese dude, i got some skillz. haha.

X

so, i'm involved in so many things that aren't really related to one another - i was once told by a close friend that i seem to be leading several different lives. how is it possible to mesh it all together? i used to think it was very do-able. of course, at the time i also believed that i am a person who was larger than life. i needed to lead several different lives because one wasn't enough.

however, reality has kicked me in the balls and i now realise that there is no way to lead all these lives without losing out in one or the other. and i am feeling the burn from the failures i've brought upon myself.

i think when i was younger - i actually thought that the more i could do - the better i'd be. so i did everything. as you can see from the above - i did try to do everything. that is why i call myself the commonjack ie 'jack of all trades but master of none'. or in my previous blog - i used to be dilettante - (because i dabble in everything).

thus, here i am, able to do so many things, not really sure what i wanna do. lost and confused with no real or tangible visions to really focus on.

i may be 'everywhere' but 'everywhere' is a big space to get lost in. and i think i'm lost.

mis-spent youth.(the choirboy)

as the wolf likes to say every now and again - i am a 'choirboy'. i guess i can't deny it.



don't get me wrong - i've done my fair share of shit. i've made mistakes. i've committed wrongs against others. did they deserve it? maybe some of them - but the rest? i don't think so.

i've f**cked up. i won't beat around the bush - some of these people, i will not be able to ever face them without feeling ashamed with myself. as cliched as it sounds, one f**k up does indeed render every other good thing you ever did before in the past meaningless (at least, it most certainly feels that way for the wrong-do'er, and when it comes down to it - that's the way one feels and that's what matters). the bigger the f**k up, the longer it will take to function through it. people say you should forgive yourself sometimes and move on. i'll move on. but there are some things that i won't forgive myself for. there's no rational explanation for it. it just is the way it is.

so where does 'mis-spent youth' tie into all this? well, i believe i missed out on my chance to f**k up and be OK with it. in our younger years, we're allowed to f**k up and get away with it. it's even a principle in law that if you're below a certain age, you will be let off the hook because you don't know any better. i missed out on that little window of opportunity because i've always been expected to act on a level of maturity higher than my actual age. being the youngest of 3 siblings, 13 years between myself and the eldest and 10 years between myself and the 2nd eldest, i've had to rise up to their level in order to get a closer relationship with them (or so that i didn't get the shit kicked out of me all the f**king time).

i was expected to understand the concept of 'privacy' at that age so i never entered their rooms without knocking nor was i allowed to do so when they weren't around. i never used their 'stuff' without their permission. i had to organise my own schedules around theirs because they had more 'important' things to do - so my needs or wants were brushed aside.

i'm not the typical stereotyped spoilt youngest child - although i do have certain *moments of being spoilt, as my brothers would most certainly attest to - they wouldn't deny also that i had a fair balance of responsibilities.

so yeah, sure - they went out of their way for me a a fair amount of times and i took responsibility for my own actions and also went out of my way to function at a higher level of maturity. and thats the way it is supposed to work. but i've never really thought about it till now... what do i lose in the trade-off? i might have lost the ability to give myself a break and just move on because i've been practicing an awareness of a higher level for so long that a f**k up is actually inexcusable now.

it's not anybody's fault, it's just the natural course of things.

it stings more when you give something your 'A' game and still come up short, very short. but what to do? shit happens - tough - deal with it.

my brother's friends used to marvel at how 'well-behaved' i was / am. everytime they expressed such a thing, my brothers would say, "yeah, he's well trained."

for example:-

i live in a double storey terrace house in a hilly area. so instead of having the traditional 2 storey house as the term 'double-storey' suggests, my house is split into 4 floors. in the old days when i was a mere wee lad of 5 till i was about 12, there was only one phone in the house which was in the living room (which would be the '2nd floor' out of the 4 - so to speak). once it was determined that i was old enough to speak on the phone, i was considered old enough to answer it - *all the time.

i was the official receptionist simply because i was the youngest and therefore it was assumed had nothing to do which leads to the fact that whenever the phone rang - whatever it was i was doing - i was the one who was supposed to answer the phone.

it's still that way but at least now sometimes, the call is for me.

anyway, i used to think that a boy has a 'rite of passage' to pass. we're mischevious by nature and have to get rid of all that mischieviousness while we're younger before we can become men. i don't think i necessarily had that luxury.

so that's why the wolf calls me a 'choirboy' - it's true - i'm my own worse critic. so when i do something i 'wrong', i feel bad about it. even if i had every right to commit the 'wrongful' act - catch my meaning? i'll still feel bad about it. i'm a choirboy because i want to do things the right way because that's what i've been taught to do.

take the harder road - the rewards are better. don't stoop to an enemy's level no matter how much the idiot deserves it. be the 'better man' who 'rises above' the pettiness of being a human. nobody's perfect, but that's no excuse to act like a stupid idiot.

so i guess ya - i'm a choirboy.

2pac.

if you take a look at my cd collection - you'd see a lot of rock. you'd see some bluesy, jazzy stuff. now you'd even see some chillout music, a little dance here and there, some trance-cy stuff even. some heavy metal scattered around.

but the one genre that would be scarce is rap or even r&b for that matter. while i like dancing to the stuff - it all starts sounding the same to me. in terms of beats and tune. i know it is essentially different - i just don't appreciate it as much as rock riffs from the classic guys like aerosmith and the older bon jovi you know? so the only way a rap and r&b song would affect me is through the lyrics.

"The Rose That Grew From Concrete"
Did you hear about the rose that grew from a crack in the concrete?

Proving nature's law is wrong it learned to walk with out having feet.

Funny it seems, but by keeping it's dreams, it learned to breathe fresh air.

Long live the rose that grew from concrete when no one else ever cared.

for more, click here:- http://www.ewsonline.com/2pac/poetry.html



Tupac Amaru Shakur. (1971 - 1996)
some people regard this man as a poet. i wouldn't take that away from him. i'll give the guy that much. if today's generation can't get what the old poets like Keats, Shakespeare, Neruda and etc were trying say through their words - Tupac certainly spoke to the generation of today.

Tupac was born Lesane Parish Crooks and his Mum changed his name when he was a small child. Tupac Amaru was an Incan Indian Revolutionary and the name basically translated to 'Shining Serpent' whilst Shakur means 'thankful to God' - just like Syukur in Malay ( i think ).

for more of his bio, click here:- http://www.tupacfans.com/bio.php

although - don't get me wrong - he got caught up with all that gangsta' rap shit back in the 90's. back at that time, people like Will Smith and Black Eye Peas were nowhere to be seen. they did shit the right way. to them, it was about the music and the message they wanted to send out to the people. at that time, gangsta' rap was all about being a gangsta' - livin' the life. violence, sex and money. unfortunately, i think it was more about violence.

but listen to his lyrics. he wasn't propogatin' the bullshit. if you listen properly, you'll see, he's just a guy who got caught up with the wrong shit. and he couldn't get out. and he let his true self out in his songs and his lyrics. then he put up some bad mutha' facade to survive in his world.

i was just 14 years old when i was introduced to Makaveli (one of his aliases). it was 1996 - and i started listening to him right after all the hype from his murder was starting to die down. so i didn't get caught up with the fact that he was dead - then hop on the band wagon just cause everybody else was doin' it you know?

and man - his laugh ... you gotta listen to his laugh in his songs ... hahahahaha.

he made me a fan for life solely based on his songs and lyrics.

some samples i fell in love with:-
Dear Mama, So Many Tears, Brenda's Got a Baby, Soulja's Story, Life Goes On, Only God Can Judge Me, I Ain't Mad at cha', Picture Me Rollin', Unconditional Love, Hit 'em Up, Changes, Thugz Mansion, Broken Wings, Who Do You Believe In?... aih - there are so many!

but if i had to choose from the above. my top 3 would be:- I ain't Mad at cha', Picture me Rollin' and Thugz Mansion. lyrics wise and music. but if you ask me, all of his songs are at the top of my list!

so - this a small little insignificant tribute to the man. i hope that there is a thugz mansion up there for guys like him. a guy who made a small little impact on my life.

keepin' it real. muahahahahaha...

signing off, the commonjack.

Newspaper Article

i lifted this from the newspaper several weeks ago,

forced to choose...
i am a 15 year old girl. i met a guy, B, last year. we really loved each other. one day, he suddenly said he wanted to break up with me.

i was so depressed. i shared my problems with my roommate and she told me to forget about him. then she hugged and kissed me! i was confused. she continued to touch me and made me feel horny and we slept together that night. i felt good about it and realised that i love her too.

2 months later, B wanted to get back together with me again but i didn't have the same feelings like i did before, even though we had sex after that, it was just for fun.

i felt guilty and confessed to my room-mate. she threatened to commit suicide if i continued my relationship with B. i promised her that i would love her forever and live with her alll my life but i want both of them. i love them.

i think i should be the one to commit suicide so that i can be fair to both of them. please help me . tell me what to do.

-Next Suicide Victim, KL
_______________________________________________________________

my god - compared to this - my 'experiences' at the age of 15 were nuthin'. you take this short little letter which is 'allegedly true' - you have yourself freakin' good material for shows like melrose place or some shit like that.

seriously, there's love then followed by pain. then there's sex (lesbian sex at that!) and then there are words like 'horny' used - people talk about words like f*ck and it being a powerful word but they always overlook stuff like 'horny' which i think if said properly could be just as powerful.

then, there's love again which is followed by a turn of events where the old boyfriend comes back and then they have sex again but you know, it's just the traditional 'get-back-together' kind of sex. and then the lesbian lover finds out and threatens to kill herself because she loves her that much.

then in the heat of the moment, she says to lesbian lover that she will love her forever and that they will live together. (and they probably have sex again - but this was probably edited out of the letter thinking that - other sexually charged 15 year olds may come across this article and get 'ideas'.)

but then dillemma sinks in - because she wants both of them!

if this won't make a great 3(at the very least) back-to-back episode of some sexually charged teen drama, i don't know what will. plus, there are also in-built cliff hangers to end every episode. the 1st one can end with the lesbian lover kissing the protagonist for the 1st time...the 2nd one can be the ex-boyfriend wants back in...i mean - look at it - its all there! __________________________________________________________________

man - you hear about this kinda shit happen. and if you think about it - these may sound kinda out there - but then again, not really - doncha think? these are things that can really happen. i mean, i have no idea how you even get into shit like this but it happens. the thing is, if i were the one giving advice to this poor lost, confused 15 year old girl - i'd be extremely harsh.

my probable response would probably start off with a resounding, "Hullo! do you have any freakin' idea how silly your story sounds ah! how the hell didja end up loving this and then after sex - suddenly end up loving that?! then ex comes back - you figure why not go ahead and have some get-back-together sex but then again not really wanting him back to begin with! check that, someone made you horny and you slept with that person - suddenly you're in love with that person and you're a lesbian?! wait a minute - wait a minute, does this make you a bi-sexual...?"

then i'd have to catch my breath because honestly, all that would go through my head and i would realise that unless i really knew this 15 year old well - i wouldn't know where to start. i would wanna find out how people end up getting into this sorta shit in the 1st place.

claiming to be in love at the age of 15. it's a nice fairy-tale lah, but come on. i myself was 'in-love' when i was 17 but i didn't figure it out till i was like 20!

i figured at a very early age not to throw the word 'love' around like useless paperweight. when i said it, i meant it. every single 'letter'. if you use it too much - it just becomes another empty word with no purpose. in fact, it could become a vulgar word and just defeats its very purpose. the only draw back to the plan is that i'm afraid that when the time comes for me to use it, i'd be unable to for lack of practice. because lets face it, figuring out you're in love is hard enough - having trouble saying it just throws a whole damn monkey wrench in the works.

however, i digress.

and on that note, i shall end this entry.

signing off, the commonjack.

boy meets girl.

boy meets girl. boy likes girl. boy asks girl out. boy enjoys date and starts to like girl more. boy tries calling a few days later (because he didn't want to be uncool and call too early) - girl said she not free. boy tries again later - girl doesn't respond. boy gets confused - girl is nowhere to be seen or heard from and yet she's right there.

ah ...it's the classic story innit? take the hint bub - she's not interested. move on!

then the boy starts gettin' wide eye'd and says stuff like whatever happened to persistence and perseverance? the 2 great 'P' words which can only go towards proving to the girl that boy is serious. that boy is genuine. that boy will do whatever he can because he 'just that kinda guy'. boy will give the girl the old fashioned 'chase' like back in the 'day' when if a man said he wanted a woman (the days when integrity meant a 'damn' and it was worth keeping and more importantly people held such a virtue in high esteem compared to people 'talking' about it these days but not practicin') - it'd be like signing a binding contract. and the requirements of the contract entail that the man would be willing to do all that is appropriate and perhaps a little more if he really 'likes' the girl - to prove himself worthy. boy believes that girl is a gift that must be earned. boy is willing to earn her. boy is not in it just for a casual f**k. boy is no casanova but boy is real.

ah ... stupid boy. he doesn't think of what could happen when girl is just not interested. there's no fixing that. and there will be no remedy for his rejection either.

but boy doesn't care. all boy wants is just a chance. and boy believes that if all you want is a chance to see whether something 'could' happen. then you should be willing to accept the probability that nothing could happen. thus, boy will keep trying till boy gives up. the longer he tries - that time only mirrors how real his interest is towards girl. and if boy never gives up - that only mirrors the fact that he's one of those 'unlucky sonsofabitches that will never be with the 'one'.

ah - poor boy. lets hope he doesn't end up feeling like the picture below.



signing off - the commonjack.

Candlelight.

light is usually seen as something positive - things like truth. darkness is by and large the opposite - like lies.

i would like to throw in candlelight in the mix - which could be described as in between 'light' and 'dark'.

bearing that in mind, picture this:- you enter a room filled with candles. a soft wind is blowing ever so slightly - just enough to make the flame of the candles dance a graceful, flickering dance and its movements flow upon the walls and a vibrant display of silent shadows fill the room all around you.

what do you see? or perhaps what does it make you feel?

this would depend on your state of mind upon entering the room. if:

a) you enter with positive/happy thoughts like -

• romance (you're sharing a private romantic dinner with a loved one perhaps?) and the candlelight just gives the room a nice ambience.
• you've just moved into your 'own' new apartment which has no electricity yet ... and what you can see in the moving flames is a promise of what the future would be like in your 'own' new place.
• etc ...

OR

b) you enter with negative thoughts like:-

• you're in a haunted mansion and the shadows just freak you out rather than comfort you.
• there's a killer / rapist hiding in the midst and the where there is no light - there your enemy could be residing.
• etc...

so lets forget about option (b) for the purposes of this entry. i would think that by and large, assuming that you are no longer afraid of the dark - entering a room lit by candles is particularly nice. well, i like it. *guess i'm just a dark child.

following that - let us go back to the beginning of this entry where all things 'light' are considered good and all things 'dark' are considered to be bad. candlelight - which casts light on certain areas and provide shadows and darkness for other areas can be described as giving all things a 'grey' shade. things could go 'either way' in grey areas.

sometimes, you enter a room which is fully lit and you go, "Yuck."

then turn all the lights off and light up a few candles and suddenly the room has a whole new feel to it. what i'm getting at is perhaps life should be approached that way. allow me to explain -

as we get along in life, things aren't always just good or bad. so we are told that the best thing to do would be - to be wary of the bad stuff but always look for the good stuff. however, people tend to do it the other way around doncha think? i attribute this typical behaviour to always trying to view things as black or white ie 'the dark' or 'the light'.

what if you just light up a candle and let the light fall where it may and may the shadows let the rest hide in the darkness? perhaps the light of the candle will highlight the beauty(aka the positive) of someone / something whilst the shadows let the ugly(aka the negative) remain hidden. then you can work with what you see. this is how you can start off a relationship with someone or start looking at something on, as they say, 'the right foot'.

then as you get closer - the light of the candle will shine on more and you'll see what is hidden in the shadows eventually - then it becomes a case of whether what you saw at 1st can justify what is hidden or not.

(this could also work the other way round - meaning the light of the candle highlights the bad stuff 1st and you gotta get a little closer to see the good stuff - but this of course just makes the act of 'staying longer' to see the good stuff a little harder lah. BUT you never know, it could be worth the wait.)

OR...

some things will always remain hidden for candlelight can only cast light on 'so much'. and perhaps 'so much' is all you really 'need' to know. leave those switches to the pendaflour lights on the ceiling alone. because "can you really handle the truth?"

think of this famous movie line, "You can't handle the truth! Son, we live in a world that has walls, and those walls have to be guarded by men with guns. Who's gonna do it? You? You, Lieutenant Weinberg? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for Santiago, and you curse the Marines. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know - that Santiago's death, while tragic, probably saved lives; and my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives. You don't want the truth because deep down in places you don't talk about at parties, you want me on that wall -- you need me on that wall. We use words like "honor," "code,", "loyalty." We use these words as the backbone of a life spent defending something. You use them as a punch line. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom that I provide and then questions the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said "thank you" and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a weapon and stand the post. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you are entitled to!" - fr "A FEW GOOD MEN" just in case you've been living under a rock or have never watched good movies. :)

because - sometimes maybe there is a valid reason why some things aren't said or told or even brought to light. (although i don't really agree with Col. Nathan R.Jessup's reason above - it does have a standard of cogency that has to be considered...)

another quote not as mind boggingly 'extreme' as the above - lifted from a nick hornby book, "if we told the truth all the time, then we would be unable to maintain relationships with anyone from the real world..." ie some things just don't have to be brought to the 'light' in order to make things 'real' and of 'consequence'.

signing off - the commonjack.

Feel what you wanna feel / Do what you wanna do.

'Tis better to be vile than vile esteemed
When not to be receives reproach of being,
And the just pleasure lost,
which is so deemed Not by our feeling,
but by others' seeing.
For why should others' false adulterate eyes
Give salutation to my sportive blood?
Or on my frailties why are frailer spies,
Which in their wills count bad what I think good?
No, I am that I am, and they that level
At my abuses reckon up their own.
I may be straight though they themselves be bevel.
By their rank thoughts, my deeds must not be shown,
Unless this general evil they maintain: All men are bad, and in their badness reign.

malats like to say, "don't let other people determine your level of fun!" for f**ks sake - if you wanna go fish at a pond at 12 am till 6 am and sleep through the whole damn day ... go lah! who gives a shit if todays bloomin' crowd of youth who all try to be cool by hanging out at night clubs drinking, spending money, listen to the latest music and are so called in tune with the latest pop-culture think its "uncool"?

(note: for reference to what a 'malat' is - take the quizzes on HabitualDamnation's blog - or just click on 'malats' above.)

i shall now proceed to give you a 'line by line' interpretation of the sonnet above:-

'Tis better to be vile than vile esteemed
my interpretation of this Shakespeare creation is "be yourself". people are gonna think what they wanna think. so if they think that what you are doing is 'vile' - then go ahead and be 'vile' lah.

When not to be receives reproach of being
because the harder you try not to be 'vile' in their eyes - they are gonna keep thinking the same thing anyway.

And the just pleasure lost,
which is so deemed Not by our feeling,
but by others' seeing.
and then you lose whatever joy you are entitled to derive from participating in the event or doing whatever it is you wanted to do or feeling whatever it is you wanted to feel. and you lose this fundamental right in the worst way possible - not because you came to the conclusion that what you were doing / feeling was wrong or not appropriate but because some dick / c**t decided for you.

For why should others' false adulterate eyes
Give salutation to my sportive blood?
Or on my frailties why are frailer spies,
Which in their wills count bad what I think good?
what gives these dicks / c**ts the right to decide or even judge me? he who casts the 1st stone better be damn sure he himself / herself is without sin or be ready to accept stones to be f**kin' belted back! because heck - there are people whom i deem to be in a position to judge me as a person and this list is a short one. it should be a short one for everybody. but the one with the end say is yourself. don't let another 'frailer' spy on your frailties unless you think he / she has a right to do so. it's up to you.

No, I am that I am, and they that level
At my abuses reckon up their own.
you are the way you are and whomsof**kingever tries to judge you is putting themselves up for judgement at the table or reckoning.

I may be straight though they themselves be bevel.
By their rank thoughts, my deeds must not be shown,
besides - for all you know - you may be the one who did the right thing - you may be the one taking the higher road although it may not seem that way at that time. and they are the ones who are wrong. don't let someone who has already judged you to be 'vile' long before you did anything or someone who doesn't really know you or understand the situation determine the value of your own actions / feelings. they are in no position to evaluate the value of your 'deeds'.



Unless this general evil they maintain: All men are bad, and in their badness reign.
they can however cast judgement on you if they admit 1st and foremost their own frailties ie admitting that 'all men are bad and in their badness reign'. if they judge you from a position of a peer ie they are not better than you but neither are they in a lower esteem from you - then a person is entitled to a valid opinion.

that being said - here's one of my own quotes - modified from variations of the same thing, "an opinion is like an arsehole - everybody has one."

*smiles.

further note: the above interpretation is entirely my own - it may not be academically correct. but i don't give a shit if it is.
it is the way it is - to me. btw: 'sportive blood' in the context of the Shakespeare sonnet is actually sexual in nature. just thought you might wanna know that.
in my own interpretation - i conveniently left that out because in my own interpretation - i've given 'sportive blood' a broad definition.

leave an opinion if you like - everybody has gotta have one. *grin.

signing off - the commonjack.

tiger stripes.

The Stripes of the Tiger form what is termed as 'disruptive camouflage' - they help to break up the tiger's outline. The stripes are not only present on the fur, but the skin also! They also draw the eye away from the true shape of the predator, a shape which prey species would normally react to.



when a tiger moves really quickly - sometimes all you can see is the stripes and nothing else. your attention is fully on the stripes. when you see the stripes long enough - one day - that's all you'll see and you'll forget about the colour underneath the stripes.

therefore, using this as a metaphor ( i'm sure you saw this coming - if you've been reading my blog ), the stripes is what you want other people to see whilst the colour underneath the stripes is the real you.

that being the case, usually, the stripes are easier on the eyes. it is less imposing. people generally would rather see the stripes. it is simpler that way. then everyone can sorta 'pretend' together and as Shakespeare puts it - life becomes one big stage and we are merely players.

sometimes people just notice the stripes 1st simply because they are the most obvious.

focusing on the stripes takes you away from having to deal with real heavy shit. after all - dealing with all that colour underneath is just a drag innit? facing it sometimes means dealing with personal issues, flaws within yourself, weaknesses - the real you.

this is not to say that everytime you focus on the colour underneath - you'd discover that you're actually this really shitty excuse of a human being - but it's an unfortunate and sad fact that when people take a real good look at themselves ie 'looking at the colour underneath' - it is normal to only see the bad stuff sometimes. and that can f**k a person up. so much so, that you forget about the good stuff.

that being said - stripes are real - stripes are also part of you. just like the tigers - the stripes are not only on the fur - it goes right down to their skin. and no one tiger has similar stripes. we all have our very own personal pattern. Tiger stripes are like human fingerprints; no two tigers have the same pattern of stripes. just don't forget about the colour underneath either.



that being said, stripes aren't always good. sometimes stripes gives a very superficial impression of a person. for instance, if guy X is always seen with a lot of beautiful / pretty women - it would be inferred that guy X is some kinda 'Player'. ( this would be reached on the assumption that guy X is not gay lah ) therefore, guy X's stripes is that he is a 'Player' and guy X may not necessarily like that. it's a superficial thing to label a guy a 'Player'. it's like labelling a girl a 'Slut' because she is seen to be changing boyfriends like she's changing underwear and the rumour is that she sleeps with all of them etc - i think a deeper look to the colour underneath would involve a question of why she is the way she seems. just like for guy X - guy X may consider himself more than the label of a 'Player'. maybe the reason he's always seen around women is that he's a nice guy who women happen to like? heck - guy X may want people to see past the stripes and realise the colour underneath the stripes.

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then again - if you find that others seem to only notice your stripes sometimes - which is something you don't like - don't worry about it. cause there isn't anything you can really do about it. people will see what they wanna see most of the time. (whenever i reach a conclusion like this one - i always think of this Shakespeare quote - which is one of my favourites but not really relevant to this particular entry but i'll share it with you anyway - 'tis better to be vile than vile esteemed When not to be receives reproach of being, And the just pleasure lost, which is so deemed Not by our feeling, but by others' seeing.)

personally, i try my best to always look at the stripes (because the stripes are just as real too - they go all the way down to your skin) as well as past them stripes to discover the colour underneath and either accept or reject the person as a whole. that goes with my whole issue with being real and shit like that.

so there.
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all this talk of tigers got me semi interested in them - i always thought they were majestic creatures.

here's some 'didja know' stuff ...:-

The tiger's head often carries the Chinese mark of wang or king on the forehead:


Tiger with wang mark on forehead - do you see it?:

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there are also mixed breeds - "tigon ie mating between a Male Tiger and a Female Lion", "liger - Male Lion and Female Tiger" and there are also mixtures of mixed breeds!: "ti-tigon - Male tiger and Female tigon" ... etc. however, all of these are quite rare.
http://www.lairweb.org.nz/tiger/tigons.html



above is a 'tigon' - below is a 'liger' (i think).



tigons would exhibit characteristics of both tigers and lions - if you haven't noticed before, tigers and lions do not make the same sounds or let off the same 'roars'. well, the tigon would be able to roar both like a tiger AND a lion. neat huh?

also, tigers are more solitary and quiet as compared to lions. tigers also like to chill in water whilst lions not as solitary and definitely not as quiet PLUS they generally don't like water. but with a tigon, it's not uncommon to catch one of 'em standing - all 4 paws in water taking a dip every now and again PLUS roaring their lungs out!

don't know about you but it never occurred to me that there'd be mix breeds between tigers and lions although - now that i think about it - it's not really all that surprising innit?
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there are also such things as Were-tigers! (if a Were-wolf and a Were-tiger were(pun intended) to go at it - i think a Were-tiger would win...waddaya think?)

The Were-Tiger cult in Myanmar and it's neighbours : http://www.myanmar.gov.mm/Perspective/persp2004/3-2004/wer.htm

Were-Tiger beliefs in Myanmar and Indonesia: http://www.myanmar.com/gov/perspec/2004/5-2004/were.htm

The Nature of Were-Tigers:
http://www.myanmar.com/gov/perspec/2004/4-2004/tig.htm

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In Malaysia beliefs surrounding the Tiger shift more to fear and superstition. Myths exist claiming the existence of creatures known as 'Were-tigers'.



These are Tigers who have claimed the souls of the dead and can take on a human form to walk and even live amongst human beings. So feared are these 'were-tigers' that people dare not utter their name in case they should appear before them. Instead they are referred to as 'the striped one' or 'the gentleman'. (wonder what the Malay translation would be? The striped one = Orang belang and the gentleman = Orang budiman ?)

The Malaysian people have an old saying: "The Tiger dies but his stripes remain" ie seperti harimau meninggalkan belangnya ... i used to use this quote a lot back in the 'day' when i used to write 3 Malay essays a week to illustrate how when someone / something dies or leaves this world, the person/something leaves a mark on this world ie his 'stripes' - LOL - never thought i'd actually miss those times.

oh well - cest la vie.

signing off - the commonjack.

depression?

it's 8.15 pm. i could write about how my exams are going so far. which is not good. so i've decided not to. instead - here's a little entry i wrote about 'depression' quite a while back.

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someone was once asked to describe how something like 'depression' hits and that person said, "Gradually ... and then suddenly."

What is Depression?:

Depression is a serious medical illness; it’s not something that you have made up in your head. It’s more than just feeling "down in the dumps" or "blue" for a few days. It’s feeling "down" and "low" and "hopeless" for weeks at a time.

http://www.nimh.nih.gov/publicat/depression.cfm#ptdep1

Signs & Symptoms:

Persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" mood. Feelings of hopelessness, pessimism. Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, helplessness. Loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities that were once enjoyed.

http://www.nimh.nih.gov/publicat/depression.cfm#ptdep3

Treatment:

A variety of treatments including medications and short-term psychotherapies have proven effective for depression.

http://www.nimh.nih.gov/publicat/depression.cfm#ptdep5
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when one is depressed - nobody understands. nobody cares. and you feel alone (whether you actually are or not, doesn't really matter because: nobody understands anyway.)

Some people say that depression feels like a black curtain of despair coming down over their lives.

you don't function well. people ask what's wrong and you don't know what to say. heck - they probably don't know what to say either. the most common reply that would be conjured up would be, "Hey, everyone has bad days" or at least some variation of the same shit.

i should know. i'm guilty of saying shit like that all the friggin' time.

some people act out very badly when they're depressed. hurtin' people they care about - hurtin' people who care about them. and they can't help it. they do it - then they realise what they've done and feel even worse about themselves for doing it.

and then they look for someone to understand but then nobody does or even worse - sometimes - they don't even give someone the opportunity to try and understand because they've already reached the conclusion that nobody can understand.

some people then begin to hurt themselves. and i would think that this covers a myriad of things. the instinctive things that first come to mind are people cutting themselves, substance abuse via drugs or alcohol and possibly suicide.

but i think there are many ways people can hurt themselves - and this is obvious although, i think, not necessarily the 1st thing that comes to mind when you hear the statement 'some people then begin to hurt themselves'.

acting out badly and hurting people you care about is one sure fire way to hurt yourself.

not acting out at all - and keeping it all in - that just f**ks you up. then it is like burning a slow fire. like the slow burning of charcoal, the heat is always there. and it keeps going. except in this case, it doesn't eventually die off like normal charcoal - here, it grows stronger and stronger with each passing day. and then it becomes a case of whether you overcome it or not.

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when you're depressed, you don't know what's wrong or why or how even. you could think up a 1000 and 1 reasons as to why you are but none of it seems right. there's no simple truth/answer that makes you go "My God - I think I've got it!"

there's no big epiphany/realisation nor would there be any kind of lightbulb type of a phenomena, lighting up above your head. giving you the "Once I was blind - now I can see" scenario.

you think it could be a culmination of everything and that you've just hit the limit and it's all coming down on you finally. it was bound to happen someday - or so you think.

but then again - that's not quite right either.

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i don't have the answers. and if you're wondering whether i'm the one who is depressed? well - maybe i am. :) but i think i'm just having one of those 'bad days' or some variation of it. *grin.

i have friends i can just act out on and then see again the very next minute sitting at the 'mamak' having a 3 am 'teh tarik'. which is a cool thing - i don't do it much ( i hope ) - but knowing that i can exercise such an option should the need arise - is a huge comfort.

and i think one of the major tell-tale signs that i 'should' be OK is the fact that i don't think i'm hurting myself in any way. well - i am (kinda). but nothin' out of the ordinary. (maybe i'm in denial! - LOL)

i shudder at the thought of putting up this sorta entry. people tend to over-react and shit.

chill. don't panic. this is just me 'living dangerously' - as the top of my blog suggests - 'thinking is a dangerous past time' - so i'm living dangerously.

and besides - if you've been paying attention - i've got all sorts of depressing entries...this is generally a 'moody / depressing' blog ... check out my Nov 2004 archives: 'giving up', 'You', 'when the good go down'. . that wasn't so bad - Jan '05 was worse: 'what can i say? shit happens - deal with it', 'beer tastes like crap' *a classic this one, 'feeling depressed?' and 'YOU win'. followed by Feb '05: 'and he goes down', 'let's all say it together...' and 'how to get where i'm at'. after that - i stated winding down lah - back down to my usual 'unhappy' self. *grin

signing off. the commonjack.