eye twitch.

my right eye-lid has been twitching since the wee hours of yesterday morning. i believe it started at about 2-ish am. it's now the early morning of Wednesday at 12.23 am. my right eye-lid is still twitching.

my mum says, "Either something really bad is going to happen or something really good."

gee.

i just think this is a sign of pure unadulterated stress and fu*king fear.

Company Law is technically - tomorrow.

'nuff said.

Problems with Company Law.

shit! it's already monday.

i had a 'near breakdown' on Saturday. since my last paper (last Tuesday), i haven't been able to sort out my Company Law properly. i never really had a handle on it and i don't seem to know where to start or how to go about preparing myself to sit for the exam this coming Thursday, June 1st.

since last Wednesday till most of Sunday, i was freaking out.

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i get so angry when i feel like that but i essentially don't lose control because that just won't help the f*cking situation lah. i just try my best to do what i need to do so that i can walk into the exam hall and put up some measure of a decent attempt.

however, i feel like the bouts of hopelessness has run its due course. the unfortunate consequence however, is that i've wasted 5 DAYS! that could have been put to really good use. but instead - they were spent wallowing in self pity.

nevertheless, here i am, with effectively another 3 days - hopefully i had enough of an understanding of the subject as a whole to be able to do something constructive with the next 3 days for the damn exam.

that's it then.

signing off, the commonjack.

Day 1 down.

ok. 1st paper done.

yesterday's paper started at 2 pm till 5 pm.

bascially i could answer all 4 of my questions. i was quite happy to see everything i wanted to write about. but i guess not enough practice writing a full answer within 45 mins hurt me big time. 20 mins into the 1st question, i knew i was going to need a whole lot more than 45 mins to finish it.

so i decided to keep to my 45 min mark (but i didn't. i overshot it by almost 10 mins and was nowhere near the end!) i wrote whatever i could. and then moved on to my next question. and what do you know? i overshot the time i set for myself in that one too. by the time i was attempting my 3rd question it was 3.40 pm. (it took me almost 2 hours to finish my 1st two questions!)

i knew i had to start on my 4th question by 4.15 pm. so it was a real rush in that last leg. it wouldn't have been too bad if i had finished my earlier 2 questions. but technically i only did just about three quarters of the 1st 2 questions. there was so much more left to write!

at 4.45 pm, not even halfway through my 4th question, i went back to my 1st 2 questions and tried to write much more. i wrote and i wrote and it felt endless. then i went back to the last 2 questions and tried to fill it up with more substance. and suddenly - "You have 5 minutes left."

my mind went, "hai lat ..."

so i went back to my last 2 questions to try and at least get halfway through them and finish them up point form.

the other shitty thing is that the invigilators decided to get their act together this year and actually fixed where each student would sit. i was right up in front. meaning, my paper would be collected 1st. fortunately, the guy must have noticed me going, "hai lat ...", because he let me continue writing when the announcement to 'Stop writing' had already been given. i had to conclude on whatever it is i wrote at the very least. so in the last desperate 10 minutes after the 5pm mark, i was trying to write legible and logical conclusions to whatever i wrote.

(which is really tough especially since i didn't really expand on many points.)

on my last question, which i only managed to write 1 page on ... "Explain what has sociology done to help in our understanding of law." there was so much to write! i could have written about Prof.Hart, Karl Marx, Hans Kelsen, Austin - how all of these Jurists have an element of sociology even when they tried to play down the importance of the element. i'm so sure i could have 'aced' this question. instead i only mentioned briefly all their names and the element of sociology prevalent in each of their theories. like maybe 2 sentences each. and my conlcusion was laughable because it was only one sentence, "Sociology is everywhere."

if only i had more than 20mins to write it!

oh well. right now, honestly - there's no sense in trying to guess whether i wrote enough to pass or not. if i fail it. there's no point in going to sit for the rest of my papers because Juris is my core paper for the year.

so next up JUNE 1st - Company Law.

signing off, the commonjack.

Jurisprudence and Legal Theory

it's 12.40 am. Jurisprudence and Legal Theory (it's like a study on the philosophy of law for the uniniated) aka my Juris paper is today. and how apt, the 'quote of the day' is by Aristotle, "The roots of education are bitter, but the fruit is sweet."

yeah ... rub it in my face why don't ya?

so here i am. my 1st day of my dreaded exams. 1st paper jitters have hit me since early Saturday. i'll feel better once i get it over with. but till then, the jitters will remain i guess. no way to shake it off.

i tried going to play basketball yesterday in the evening after studying for most of the afternoon. it didn't work. i still felt as jittery as ever. that's why i figured it won't go away till i get my 1st paper over and done with i s'pose.

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fuck.

pardon my *french. that helped a little. *smiles. oh well - i've just got a little more studying to do. then i'll go to sleep.

time is gonna start flying by once i get past the first paper. i might or might not keep blogging updates as it goes along. we'll see.

ok - i'm out.

signing off, the commonjack.

quick quick stuff.

ok ok - i should be studying. i know. i know. but i've decided to post some stuff up just to get it out of the way.

1. Shattered Lives & Broken Dreams ... James O'Barr and Ed Kramer.

i know who's been reading my blog properly now. i know how you (you know who you are!) knew that i would just *die if someone got this for me! (refer to post entitled, "THE CROW - the graphic novel") nevertheless, you've made it into my list of 'most favourite people in the world'. in fact, rest assured - you're spot on that list is secured for life. barring nothing! no exceptions unlike all those freakin' law principles that *always have exceptions!

call me when you get back! dinner, lunch, movie - whatever, on me. *grin.

2. Proud Uncle in the house.

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my youngest nephew at 3 months! (Johnathan) such a poser pic lah this one. but cute as hell. aww heck - this is one helluva good pic.

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this is the most recent pic i have of the older nephew (2 years old), Alex at his new place! (my bro and family in S'pore moving on to a bigger and better future...have fun and good luck with the move! will come down and help out with loose ends when i finish my exams.

if you've just hopped on the "New Generation of Chen's bandwagon" ... previous posts are...Friday, February 10, 2006 entitled, "New Chen" and Monday, February 27, 2006 entitled, "More on My Nephews."

3. Exam woes.

you know, all this while i've been bitching and wailing about how i'm scared shitless about Law and why i hate it. the reasons being i'm not handling it well and that doesn't say much about what kind of person i am.

then it hit me the other day, this isn't me. the lousy way i'm going about doing Law. it's not the real me. there are a lot of things in life i make myself do regardless of whether i enjoy doing it or not. i do things cause it is the right thing to do. cause that is my driving force. it leads me to things i'm passionate about most of the time. some things that seem wrong to most, i sometimes do because i know that the ultimate end will be right. i've always taken pride in myself that the right thing by others are not necessarily right with me.

(sure i've made mistakes - i admit. i'm not perfect. i make my apologies where i have to. the rest, i make none.)

sure - i may not be facing down Law in the best possible fashion. it says something. sure it does. it says exactly just that. that with this particular thing, i'm not faring so well. but that doesn't mean it'll apply to everything else in my life for the rest of my life. that's just my brain going on overdrive.

maybe i'm just naive and this is just me trying to justify myself or whatever ... you're entitled to an opinion. i'm just sticking with mine for now.

anyway: exam schedule ...

MAY 23rd, Tues at 2.30pm till 5.30pm - i've got Jurisprudence.
JUNE 1st, Thurs at 2.30pm till 5.30pm - i've got Company.
JUNE 7th, Wed at 9am till 12pm - i've got Family.
JUNE 9th, Fri at 9am till 12pm - i've got Succession.

then FREEDOM ... (sing it with me now...) FREEDOM... *grin.

take care y'all.

signing off, the commonjack.

Success AND Luck.

had a rough night last night. tossing and turning in bed. anxious and scared. was in bed at about close to 1am. but couldn't get to the actual 'sleeping' bit. i gave up. i got up and turned on the tv. i watched Sleepers on Astro. i almost forgot about how much i liked that movie.

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some exerps from the movie,

Lorenzo: "This is a true story of how friendships run deeper than blood. This is my story of the only three friends in my life that have truly mattered. Two of them were killers that never made it past the age of 30. The other is a non-practicing attorney, living within the pain of his past, too afraid to let go, finding reassurance instead of confronting its horror. I was the only one that could speak for them, and for the children we were."

Fat Mancho: "You want a Rolls-Royce, you don't come here, no no. You go to England, or wherever the fuck they make it. If you want champagne, you go see the French. If you need money, you find a Jew. But, if you want dirt, or scum buried under a rock somewhere, or some secret nobody wants anybody to know about, there's only one place to go: right here, Hell's Kitchen. It is the lost and found of shit. They lose it and we find it. Forget about it, man."

but i'm not going to talk about Sleepers.

(click on *Sleepers above and visit the website if you have the time.)

after finishing the movie at about 3.40 am - i tried to sleep again. as i was lying in bed, a thought occured to me. and it's now 3.05 pm - i'm still thinking about it. i figured i'd get it off my chest before i hit the books again.

i think there is a difference between a Successful person and a Lucky person. (this may seem obvious to most - but hey, i just decided to put it into words.)

Successful person: in many cases (though not necessarily so in all circumstances), a successful person is someone who can set aside whatever personal problems he or she may have and just perform whatever task incumbent on them. and not just perform it in a rudimentary sense, but whole-heartedly as if he/she actually wanted to do it and enjoyed doing it. in effect, that person would 'just do it' and 'do it well'. whether or not it was something he/she wanted to do, well - quite frankly, is not the point. the point is to actually just do it really well.

Lucky person: in this case, a Lucky person would end up doing what he/she enjoys doing more than anything in the world. and he/she would also be doing it better than anybody else! so well in fact, that he/she would be able to carve a living out of it. (and if he/she is really lucky, then he/she would also be making lots and lots of money!)

contrary to the popular belief that if you enjoy doing what you're doing, you will be excellent at it - i don't think that that is always the case. for example, many people love singing. but that doesn't necessarily mean they're any good. forget about being excellent at it or actually making any kind of living from it.

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now, taking my interpretation above as accurate. the observation one can make is that it takes a whole lot more to be a Succesful person. taking away nothing from the Lucky person who deserves everything he/she can get - a Successful person merely has to be given a lot more credit.

for in my opinion (yeah, yeah - i know everybody has one), a Successful person is a lot stronger. for he/she would be someone you can count on under almost any circumstance.

i could elaborate further, but that would be a mere act of *pleonasm. i'm sure you get the picture.

*Pleonasm is the use of more words than necessary to express an idea. The word comes originally from Greek πλεονασμóς ("excess").

one of my own personal pet peeves (regarding my own personal characteristics), is that thus far, i have not proven myself strong enough to be a Successful person.

but i guess i'm stubborn that way, cause i'll keep trying. that means i won't shy away from something just cause i don't like doing it. if it is a task incumbent on me, i will face it head on regardless of whether i'd do terribly or not. i'll figure out how to be strong enough one day.

and who knows? maybe along the way, i'll get Lucky. grin.

sigining off, the commonjack.

nothing to say.

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that's a picture of me wearing a t-shirt with my name on it (but you can't see my name), the t-shirt is part of a collection of t-shirts that a few close friends and i share (each with a different picture that sorta represents it's owner) - like our own little club.

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i started this entry with every intention to bitch and complain about how hopeless i feel at this very moment. but i change my mind.

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on the other hand, i believe this is the very first time i've actually posted up a picture of myself on this blog. just a picture of myself for no particular reason.

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that's an occasion to blog about i guess.

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"Life is an incurable disease - birth and death the symptoms."

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signing off, the commonjack.

hell on earth.

well, here we go, i've got about 3 weeks before i have to endure my own little personal hell on earth (probably self imposed).

i say self imposed for obvious reasons - but if you don't know me very well - then to elucidate matters for you - it is self imposed because:

1. it was my decision to do law in the end. as much as i'd like to blame anyone. i can't.

2. but more importantly, i'm not stupid, if i had prepared myself properly during the course of the year i wouldn't be feeling this shitty or worried. but i didn't.

so, here i am.

ok, so the picture above looks a little extreme. but i have to admit - sometimes i feel like i'm not that far off when it comes to this. and it's mostly because of a particular worry i make reference to below.

related exam fever posts below ...

Tuesday, April 19, 2005 - "it's crunch time baby"

Tuesday, May 24, 2005 - "the really real world"

Sunday, May 29, 2005 - "i am an idiot"

and most recently ...

Thursday, March 30, 2006 - "i'm ashamed"

shit. i see a rather uncomfortable pattern here. the worry that i carry with me is that this pattern may branch out to other aspects of my life. i tell myself that that can't happen. but i don't really have anything to show for it. not really.

and that's my main concern. it dawned on me the other day that next year, i' m going to hit 25. that's like a quarter of a decade. in fact, my Mum and i had a conversation the other night ...

"How old are you this year?" Mum asked when i went up to her room to say good night.

"24 lah..." wondering if i should be worried that my own Mother can't remember how old i am.

she forms this grin and starts laughing to herself a little, "You know you're an adult already you know!" continues little chuckle...

"Yeah - I know lah ... so?" i replied in a somewhat defensive tone but not knowing why i sounded 'defensive' for.

i tell myself that this pattern can't continue because if it did - as my Mum said very aptly - i'm already an adult ... and if this continues - i could just die. literally. it'll be a slow painful death. but if i don't start achieving something ... anything that i can be proud of - i might just *die. i wouldn't be able to function like this for the rest of my life - hoping to scrape by. i just can't.

oh well - here we go.

signing off - the commonjack.