i say self imposed for obvious reasons - but if you don't know me very well - then to elucidate matters for you - it is self imposed because:
1. it was my decision to do law in the end. as much as i'd like to blame anyone. i can't.
2. but more importantly, i'm not stupid, if i had prepared myself properly during the course of the year i wouldn't be feeling this shitty or worried. but i didn't.
so, here i am.
ok, so the picture above looks a little extreme. but i have to admit - sometimes i feel like i'm not that far off when it comes to this. and it's mostly because of a particular worry i make reference to below.
related exam fever posts below ...
Tuesday, April 19, 2005 - "it's crunch time baby"
Tuesday, May 24, 2005 - "the really real world"
Sunday, May 29, 2005 - "i am an idiot"
and most recently ...
Thursday, March 30, 2006 - "i'm ashamed"
shit. i see a rather uncomfortable pattern here. the worry that i carry with me is that this pattern may branch out to other aspects of my life. i tell myself that that can't happen. but i don't really have anything to show for it. not really.
and that's my main concern. it dawned on me the other day that next year, i' m going to hit 25. that's like a quarter of a decade. in fact, my Mum and i had a conversation the other night ...
"How old are you this year?" Mum asked when i went up to her room to say good night.
"24 lah..." wondering if i should be worried that my own Mother can't remember how old i am.
she forms this grin and starts laughing to herself a little, "You know you're an adult already you know!" continues little chuckle...
"Yeah - I know lah ... so?" i replied in a somewhat defensive tone but not knowing why i sounded 'defensive' for.
i tell myself that this pattern can't continue because if it did - as my Mum said very aptly - i'm already an adult ... and if this continues - i could just die. literally. it'll be a slow painful death. but if i don't start achieving something ... anything that i can be proud of - i might just *die. i wouldn't be able to function like this for the rest of my life - hoping to scrape by. i just can't.
oh well - here we go.
signing off - the commonjack.
2 comments:
bweeaaarrghhh i know how you feel. *sigh* i've been feeling that way since i hit 21 and it's going downhill.
btw u know i have a new blog right?
http://exodusofagirl.blogspot.com/
and here we are again (to borrow a often used line)... adulthood, is a mere ideaology that i do not personally subscribe to. In my heart, i'll always be the innocent pretty lil 16 year old that is unpolluted and unjaded with what we call life.
but, alas, we have to face the facts of life sometimes. for some, success get handed to them in a silver platter, while others work hard to get there. as long as your life is headed to where your version of "SUCCESS" is, then, you're on the right track. if not, then better take that gun and make things go your way, nigga.
peaceouttttttttttttttttttttttttt
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